Episode 9: Multiple Miscarriages with Whitney Newby

speaker-0: and welcome back to Confessions of a Slow Cooker. I'm Ashlyn Blue, and today I am pretty pumped because I get to introduce you to one of my very best friends. I met Whitney Newby in seventh grade at our school in Brentwood, Tennessee. We were virtually in every class together. We went to prom together, albeit with our respective dates. And I was honored to be invited to the hospital to be one of the first people to meet her firstborn son, Liam, over 13 years ago. And although we haven't lived in the same state for what, over a decade, well over a decade, our friendship has found a way to blossom into something I deeply cherish. So Whitney, thank you for coming on. Thanks.

speaker-1: Thank you for having me and thank you for that very generous introduction. I loved it.

speaker-0: I had to make it all up. It gets to Whitney's story. I wanted to say one thing about her amazing company, Brighter Day Press. And actually, I'll let you talk about it because I will probably butcher it. Go for it.

speaker-1: So my husband Sean and I have a small business called Brighter Day Press and we create these resources for families, mostly for Christian homeschool families, but really any families. It's kind of expanded beyond just those resources to even watercolor classes. I know you've done some of those. ⁓ And yes, and I also love recommending books that are wholesome and engaging. So brighterdaypress.com has it all.

speaker-0: Okay, so whether you want to homeschool or if you do homeschool your children, you want supplemental resources or you want to take watercolor classes, as she said, I think I've taken most of them and I'm not a watercolorer. not a painter. Well, okay, yeah. They're actually okay, which is kind of amazing. ⁓ So you don't have to be a homeschooling mom or anything like that to find something at Brighter Day Press, including...

speaker-1: You are now. You learned a lot.

speaker-0: ⁓

speaker-1: ⁓ yes, the best mugs. ⁓

speaker-0: Do the next thing is something I need. She has more, they are, they keep your coffee really warm, which I really appreciate because I forget about coffee. then also she has a book called, it's a devotional book called Lift Your Eyes. And if you are a believer, which you don't have to be listening to this podcast, but it is definitely worth picking up. It's for mothers and it's wonderful. So that kind of ties in to the next part. ⁓

speaker-1: Yeah.

speaker-0: All right, now that we know a little bit more about Whitney and in terms of her current company and her past as my buddy, now let's get into the fertility of it all. So Whitney, if you want to start wherever you want to start.

speaker-1: Yeah. So my husband, Sean and I have been married for now 17 years, which is really hard to believe. And we have four kids that are currently 13, 11, eight, and six. So we're almost all on the odds. They're about two years apart, but in between each of them, I miscarried. And so that is a big part of our story that a lot of people don't know. Like that's not something I talk about.

speaker-0: about like one, maybe two, but it wasn't something we really talked about.

speaker-1: Right, right. And none of us go into marriage or having children with even the thought, at least I never thought I had a chance of miscarrying. I don't think my mom ever miscarried. It just wasn't in my consciousness. And when we first got pregnant with Liam 14 years ago, I mean, it was like, hey, we might be thinking about a baby. ⁓ I'm already pregnant. And such a smooth process. And so then to miscarry after that, was kind of a shock. And so if you've had a miscarriage or you've had specifically multiple miscarriages, you know that every single one is really different. And for me, that was the case. It wasn't just the timing because somewhere earlier one was ⁓ quite a bit later. So I miscarried at 11 weeks, which was my second one. ⁓ But also just hormonal. I think it's the recovery is different. The emotions behind it are different. Even the people surrounding you and kind of the story that you're telling yourself can be different for each one. And so my experience with each one was vastly different, even though I had already been through it, you know, and I already had healthy kids. Right. ⁓

speaker-0: must be a little bit like I don't have any of that. never miscarried. I never got a pregnancy test that came back positive until the IVF stuff. And so I never got to experience that, but I also never got had to experience that. Know what I mean? Yeah. I got the ups and downs of like, I know my body can do it, but why isn't it doing it? And yes. And what's wrong? And did you did you talk? I know we didn't talk really as much and

speaker-1: Yes. Yeah, for sure. Right.

speaker-0: I don't know why that is. Maybe some of that I was going through a divorce, which you were very helpful. was, thank you. But who did you talk to?

speaker-1: Yeah. You know, it's interesting. I think there were people at the beginning that I talked to that I kind of regretted telling because some of the things they would say, either they wanted to just fix it and they would say, well, you already have a healthy child or something like that that really didn't fix the situation or the people that would come and... Honestly, the most helpful people in my life that I would share this with were the ones that just sat with me in the sadness and just said, I'm so sorry. I don't know what that feels like, but it hurts. What can I do? They might've brought a meal, that kind of thing was so much more helpful than giving advice or platitudes that only go so far.

speaker-0: We have a section called Hot Potato, which we will get to because I think, and it's not always about things, say, people say that are like, oh my gosh, I can't believe this. But sometimes just awkward or try to fill the silence, their own silence, their unease with the thing that they're being confronted of that they're not going through, that they need to somehow fix. Yeah. So we will get to that. I want to hear more about that. sure. But I will say also you, this is unrelated. No, it is related. What am I saying? It's unrelated to what you are going through. It is related to what I went through with IVF and you, I kept you aware of the whole situation the whole time. It was a couple of years worth not getting pregnant and then the IVF stuff. you're, something that you did for me that was so nice and I found it. Like everything. You sent me this little

speaker-1: Yeah.

speaker-0: Courage, heart, and I don't see her amazing handwriting, everybody. I cherish her handwriting. even kept the envelope. You were in Fort Worth at the time. But giving somebody sort of, sitting with people can come in so many different ways. You couldn't, me a meal. We lived in different states. You could not have, just sat on the phone with me. You had young kids, still have young kids.

speaker-1: ⁓ my goodness. Yes. right. Yeah.

speaker-0: You could have called me, I'm sure. like, I did was something that I, I put that on my pantry door where we had all of our like, not mantras, but like I had made a believe sign, things that I passed by every day. And so even just a letter, an old school kind of letter, not a text, something tangible that again, I've kept all these years. Those kinds of things meant so much. And I feel like there are so many ways that people can learn to use their own version of sitting.

speaker-1: Absolutely. I found that my doctor was particularly good at this and he has actually become a friend. So he's my OBGYN, but I also, worked at the same hospital because I'm a registered nurse. And as I was walking through my second miscarriage, so this was after we had two little ones. So we had Liam and Laney who were like three and one, I think. And I had gone into his office after a positive pregnancy test, did an ultrasound at I think eight weeks. And if I remember right, he wasn't seeing what he wanted to see. So he went into the ultrasound, he didn't see a heartbeat at that point and said, well, maybe your dates are off. I mean, I see a baby, I'm not seeing growth or movement. It was not good news. But he said, it's also kind of hard to tell because it just looks too small at this point. And so you have some options. And so we went into his office and sat down and in that moment he became like a big brother to me. And he just said, he was very pastoral about how he approached us. And we had known him. also went to our church. So we, you know, we had a lot of interaction with him, which was really sweet. And, and he said, you know, here are your options. You can, ⁓ we can wait. We can wait another week or 10 days and see if anything happens. ⁓ You can schedule a DNC, which would be, know, surgery to remove the remains of this baby. And at that point I was thinking, well, I think there's still hope. Maybe my dates are off. ⁓ But in the back of my mind, I really just knew that this wasn't, this wasn't right. And the way that I knew actually, I was working as a nurse. at the time and right around like eight or nine weeks, all of a sudden I wasn't nauseous anymore. I wasn't having any of my normal pregnancy symptoms, even though I was, I mean, almost beginning to show my pants were tight, all of that. So there was clearly something happening, but I was like, man, I feel so good. I feel so normal. And that actually wasn't a good thing. And so in the back of my mind, I knew that this wasn't going to end in a baby, but ⁓ for nine days, I kind of felt like a ticking time bomb because I still went to work. cared for my two other children. And I just thought, I mean, what if I just start bleeding at work and all of a sudden, you know, I don't know, I didn't know what was going to happen. It felt very out of control and it was out of control because I'm thinking, well, I am pregnant, but I'm not sure, you know, this is going to be a baby. So I actually saw my doctor at church during that time and He came over to me and just gave me a hug and he said, I just want you to know I'm praying for you guys as you go through this. And of course I just broke down and wept, you know, in that moment because hardly anyone knew. Yes. But I remember going on a long walk during that time around a lake where we lived and really just crying out to God. during that time it was like a two mile loop and I remember it was raining. was just this whole mood. actually, Yes. And just like getting it all out and saying, I want this baby, but I don't want this if this is not your will for me, but I'm scared of what's next. Just being so honest and I mean, speaking out loud, there was nobody out there. And by the time I got back from that walk, I felt so much more peace about, okay, I can take the next step. I can do the next thing. let's go get another ultrasound and see what happens. And so we went back to the doctor, I think it was nine days later and confirmed, yeah, there's really no change. And at that point he said, I'm afraid that even though the baby wasn't growing at that point, the rest of the tissue was growing, which is so interesting. I didn't even know that was. Yeah, so the baby had stopped growing, but there was still a lot where he was like, I wouldn't recommend

speaker-0: you're getting.

speaker-1: And you know, there's a pill that you can take that would just expel this at home. That's, I wouldn't recommend that. I would recommend doing surgery. And so I had never had surgery. Like I didn't even have wisdom teeth. So I've like never been under anesthesia. I was so nervous. Yes. But I went in and just having him there ⁓ and just, I don't know, he prayed with us at the beginning and it felt like such a peaceful place.

speaker-0: Funny.

speaker-1: And by the time I came out of surgery, it was wild. I could feel like it was gone, like it was removed. And I felt this weight lifted of, okay, I can begin to heal. I can begin to move on because of this. And so I remember he was so kind after that. And I think he had more hope than I did at that point, because I thought, I don't know, after two, I mean, two healthy babies, but also two miscarriages at different points. Am I going to be able to have another one? And we were hoping for a third at that point. I didn't really want to end on this note, you know? ⁓ But he wrote a card and I just remember thinking like, wow, someone believes that we can have a next baby. And sure enough, we did. not, it took us nine months of really trying to get pregnant for the third time, you know, however many times that is for our third baby. ⁓ but eventually along came our little bear who is just a delight. ⁓

speaker-0: You've ever just, ⁓ he's such a great though. I'm not picking.

speaker-1: Yeah, no, no, But anyway, so I thought, okay, I felt really complete at that point. Well, I will say that. I will say my husband felt really complete. think he was... Sean did. Sean was complete after two. Like we had a boy, we had a girl. What else could we want?

speaker-0: Dave or did not? Both of you are one of two.

speaker-1: Yes, we're, yeah, we only have one sibling. And ironically, my sister has six children. So we've both, we tell my parents they made a great return on their investment. Two daughters, 10 grandchildren. ⁓ But I don't know, I never really felt complete like we're done. But after we had Bear, I thought, you know, we've been through a lot now with these two miscarriages and surgery, and we got this amazing baby. He was our easiest baby. of the three and just we were loving life. And then I got pregnant unexpectedly, completely unexpectedly. And you missed. Yeah, complete surprise. And about a month later, I miscarried again. And so it just feels like such a roller coaster. so I back to that break. Yeah, it did.

speaker-0: single time you have to go through both.

speaker-1: Right. A healthy baby and then a miscarriage. And so I didn't feel peace about ending on that note because, you know, for obvious reasons, it just felt like once you've become pregnant, even if you've never held that child in your arms, you are a mom to that many children. And it sounds strange, but even during that time after I miscarried, all I could picture was our family having... four children. And so when I was counting heads when we were out, I always felt like I was missing one. And so I knew in my heart that there had to be one more. so we were like, let's maybe think about it for like a month. And suddenly I was pregnant one more time with Beckham. And actually our last two are our closest in age, even though I miscarried in between them as well. And after that, I did feel a lot more complete. felt, I felt done with being pregnant. I I feel like I had been pregnant or nursing for a very long time. So a lot of.

speaker-0: Well, sounds like you were pregnant... Well, what? Seven times?

speaker-1: Yeah, seven times. So that's a lot on your body. I mean, that's a lot of hormonal shifts. That's, you know, so I, after that chapter was closed, I felt, yeah, I do feel peace about it. Our youngest is six. don't picture being pregnant again. So.

speaker-0: was going to ask in terms of since you went pregnant with a baby, pregnant miscarriage, pregnant like back and forth, what was it like? Because again, I can't speak to this. I talked to my sister, but she had a multiple, I think she had two miscarriages and a... So she had back to back loss. ⁓ And I know how she felt about it. And she also had, I think six, she has four children and then yeah, at least

speaker-1: In a row. Yeah.

speaker-0: at least two months, so six. Yeah. Yeah. I was gonna say marriages, no. ⁓ But what was it like when you did get pregnant after a miscarriage? What were those early, how, I can only imagine. I was afraid with my one and only ever got pregnant last embryo, I was like, I was trying to be chill so that my body would, supposed to do, and I wouldn't compromise the progress we were hopefully making. But those first,

speaker-1: right?

speaker-0: weeks of getting pregnant were so frightening for me and I was afraid to move. Not literally, yes. Afraid to hope that I will feel all the things because I thought, excuse me, I thought that I was going to like somehow jeopardize it and I didn't have the miscarriage. did lose the embryo on the first try with the transfer, but I didn't have that. And so I'm just curious what those six, what would it... turned out to be successful pregnancies, but like that in the first few months.

speaker-1: Yeah. mean, honestly, I wish I could say I just felt peaceful, but I didn't. I felt neurotic. And I even ordered all these pregnancy tests that are just the strip. be like testing every morning to Every time you pee? Yes. Every time to see if the line would get darker, you know? And I'm like, I don't want to place my hope in this, you know, but it was kind of the only outward sign. Okay. something's happening or I would hold on to every little fleeting feeling of nausea, like, okay, at least something's hopefully taking hold. I remember, yeah, having that feeling of being really nervous, especially working as a nurse about what I was being exposed to or if I would walk in from the parking lot through a cloud of cigarette smoke and I'm like, no, you know, like I need to live in a bubble. And, but I remember my doctor just saying, you know, looking at these multiple miscarriages, like after I had had three, for example, ⁓ he said, none of this really doesn't concern me. still kind of in the normal range. ⁓ people don't talk about how common miscarriage is, but he was like, there's nothing in common with these three losses that makes me think it's you or it's something you're doing. And so that did help me because by the you know, by my whatever seventh pregnancy with Beckham, I was like, if this is supposed to happen, it's supposed to happen by this point. I did feel more settled. ⁓ But I, but I also remember at work as a nurse, I worked on a medical surgical floor, which is that we called it, well, the floor was five West. We called it the wild West because we had, we had some crazy people. And actually while I was pregnant with Beckham, My last day that I was, well, I was planning on working up until I gave birth. So all of our babies were early by a couple of weeks, which was very merciful of them. I never made it to a due date, but I was always up and walking. I mean, with Bear, our third, I was doing CPR on a patient and that started to put me into early labor. So I enjoyed that, like just being active up until the very end. was at the hospital and it was at the hospital where I was going to deliver. So I always thought, ⁓ if my water breaks during my shift, I'll be so happy. I'll just walk right over. Yeah, exactly. It never happened that way. But towards the end of my pregnancy with Beckham, which I knew in my heart, like this is our last baby. It felt like, okay, I've made it to this point. I'm, you know, nine months pregnant.

speaker-0: that's been. Sorry, I have to leave early.

speaker-1: And I came on my shift at 3 p.m. So I typically worked from 3 p.m. to 11 p.m. That was my shift. so, which was rough.

speaker-0: I am not embarrassed. ⁓

speaker-1: Yeah, it was rough because I was with the kids in the morning, homeschooling and trying to keep everybody alive and then going to work basically until midnight. anyway, I got on my shift and I was getting my patient reports and there was a man with dementia who is, ⁓ I didn't realize had been pretty combative. And so I went over to try to help him get dressed and he swung at me and hit me right in the belly. so Of course, I back out of the room, I break down into tears and I'm just thinking like, it can't end like this, you know? And so I called my doctor and I was like telling him what happened and he said, if only you knew all of the layers of protection between the outside and your baby. You know, yes, it was caused from, for concern. You just got hit in the belly, but that was officially my last day, my last shift. Yeah, went out with a bang. ⁓ And then I had him that next week. anyway, I mean, I guess I just say that because I was doing my best to hold on to what I felt like God had promised that, you know, and this is this child that I've given you and he is in control. And I'm not, I'm so clearly not of my own body, of the circumstances around me. And yet we have this beautiful, healthy boy.

speaker-0: He is a dog. just replaying when I was at your house not too long ago and throwing himself on the ground in the playroom before getting the last little bit out.

speaker-1: I he was showing off a little bit.

speaker-0: Yes.

speaker-1: So I guess

speaker-0: I this is a good time to move to the awkward, potentially, I don't know what you have, to say for Hot Potato. The way that I like to do it is anything that was either awkward, just a little egregious, or like, what the heck? Like it can go, the gamut is, you know, vast.

speaker-1: Why would you say that? Yes.

speaker-0: ⁓ But the reason I have this section is not so much to like, yeah, it can be entertaining, but it's also to say like, you may not be the only person who has been told this thing. ⁓ And also, it's not just what you were told, but how it made you feel in the moment, maybe what you would have suggested that person, obviously, it'd be easier if someone just didn't say anything. But like, if there was something to say, and you sort of alluded to alluded to it earlier, but what else could have been said that would have had a different thing or a different landing for you? Because I don't think that I think that most people, like you said earlier, really just want to fill the gap. They don't want to feel uncomfortable themselves, right? More than anything else. And so they'll say something. But sometimes what people say. Oh, my gosh. And this is not just with fertility. When I got divorced, people would say things that were, I was like, yeah, you know. For instance, they said, well, at least you don't have children. And I was just like, in my head, maybe it wouldn't have been helpful to have children with that particular ⁓ man. But that kind of threw me off on a different way. But I really want to be a mom, so I don't really know. It didn't help. You know, it just made me feel like I should be grateful for something else. Or when my grandpa got Parkinson's, ⁓ my grandma said that people would say, well, at least it's not cancer. And she was like, ⁓

speaker-1: That's just so unhelpful.

speaker-0: He does have Parkinson's and what they were meaning to say is it's maybe that he has more time. I could have known that, but it was just, it's not to say that people are mean or trying to be mean every time. Some people are. I just, they are not the kindest. She has so many hot potatoes, but it's more to air this whole thing out and give not advice, cause that's what we're usually saying.

speaker-1: Yes.

speaker-0: Just the experience of it and maybe what would have been more helpful.

speaker-1: Yeah. You know, I think after my first miscarriage, I was so eager to tell people what was happening because I was looking for comfort and I was looking for things that probably they didn't have to offer in that moment. Like, they may not have the wisdom or the experience to really comfort me. And so I was literally sharing that I miscarried while I was still bleeding. Like, it wasn't... It wasn't in the past. was like, yeah, I'm miscarrying, you know, and just kind of like unloading on people that I thought I could really trust. And a lot of them, I feel like really did try to fix it or to say, well, at least you have a healthy baby. That, that came a lot. At least. Exactly. Because that is in my mind, that was completely separate from, yes, of course I have a healthy baby and I love and adore him, but

speaker-0: is not

speaker-1: that's not this situation and this baby that I longed for. you know, the instant you see ⁓ a positive pregnancy test, you are a mom to that baby. And it's completely separate from your other children. And so I think, I think, you know, just learning myself, like that probably wasn't healthy to be, you know, telling people while I'm still walking through it and haven't processed it at all, and then expecting them to be able to come help or, you know, But I think the people, like I said before, I think the people that really ⁓ helped the most were the people that didn't say anything. And so I think back to a lot of what people said, and I really can't think of much that was helpful, unfortunately. It was mostly, you know, at least you have another baby, or like maybe you just weren't ready for another child. And then it makes me really question, gosh, well, what do you think about me parenting this one, you know? So yeah, I did have that. ⁓ I mean, for the most part, people were kind, but if you've never walked through it, yeah, it's hard to know. And this is something about...

speaker-0: interesting that you just said about the fact that you wanted to share. feel like you don't. I feel like that's the opposite. I'm not like a poster sharer, but I am a sharer with my people. Sure. And I like you do the same way. But I do feel like a lot of people deal with their losses, not in silence, because obviously people in their lives know. But for the most part, they stop sharing. As soon as there's any bad news, it's like,

speaker-1: Come

speaker-0: there's something wrong with me because, not something wrong with my body or something wrong with the embryo or the baby or whatever, it's like a personal shame. And so they don't tell somebody and you already asked it, which is interesting to me.

speaker-1: Thank was, and it's interesting to me too because I know myself now and I don't think I would be that way at all. Like I would tell my husband and you and maybe like a couple others and that's it. But at the time, think, think circumstantially we had just moved recently to a new community. I was really trying to invest in friendships there. And so I was just very open about everything going on. ⁓ No, but it was, it was definitely.

speaker-0: And the NONE of it

speaker-1: Oversharing and I learned really quickly, okay, I need to be more guarded about who I share this with and also when I need to feel better about the situation. And so the second time only a few people knew what we were going through aside from our doctor who was really walking through it with us and that's what I needed. So yeah.

speaker-0: really in forgive me is not the right word here but like tell me if I'm if you if you disagree I feel like because again I can't really I can speak to IVF and never getting pregnant and losing an embryo I can't speak to miscarriages or miscarriage in general or even getting pregnant actually like on my own right right I feel like there's a happy medium that might be the healthiest, not like good or bad. It's not a moral thing where you say something or you tell the right amount of people or you don't tell the right amount of people. I think the healthiest option for someone going through a miscarriage or any sort of loss, whatever it be in terms of fertility and outside of it, is to learn, and I think Brene Brown says it really well, and I'm not quoting her because I can't remember the quote,

speaker-1: you

speaker-0: but she alludes to in a number of her books, finding your people. And I think if you had said it to certain people at any given moment, you would have gotten the response that would have been. So it's not necessarily you doing it wrong or whatever. You're recipient of your news that maybe takes vetting. I'm a 40-year-old mom of almost a two-year-old, but I don't know.

speaker-1: Yeah. Absolutely.

speaker-0: What I would have been like if I had gone through IVF in my 20s or had been able to get pregnant naturally, I think the older you get, the more aware you are of who your people are. Again, I think it's a trial and error kind of thing. I feel like I told people things at certain times of my life, not necessarily about fertility, but about other things. And it came back to buy me. And traumatic experiences. And that made me not want to tell anyone else. And that was the danger.

speaker-1: Totally.

speaker-0: Luckily, I was able to get back on the saddle, so to speak, and put myself out there to tell someone else what was going on in my life. And this is, again, not fertility. This is something completely different. But I think it's a mix of like you kind of need to mess up there. Yeah. I don't want that for you.

speaker-1: No, I totally agree. I totally agree because that was when I was 27 versus now I just turned 40 and we've talked about so much like our circle is smaller and and I feel so grateful for you who has been in my life since I was very awkward and 13 and

speaker-0: You were not awkward. That was not my facial expression for that. Just a long freaking time.

speaker-1: We were all awkward at 13. were. But yeah, I think you're absolutely right. Like knowing your people, but that has happened for me in the last few years. It did not happen when I was 26, 27, having babies for the first time. So yeah, it's a lesson that I've learned over time and a really good one because I mean, I did know you were my people when I invited you to be at... the hospital, which I don't even really remember how that happened. I just remember you were an automatic text. Like, of course you have to be here.

speaker-0: I live right next to Randy. He was born and so we had text in the middle of the night and we were like, yeah, we'll be there and it's so fun. if I can share this anecdote, ⁓ one of our first ⁓ orders from the new Lehman to be up and get her to...

speaker-1: was bit a spotlight. Yes, of course. And you were like, yeah, of course. goodness. But that's my first post-baby meal from you guys.

speaker-0: Get it. ⁓ It's also right next to Vandy, so it was easy. That leads me to the last section, which is, and it can pertain to fertility or not fertility or just kind of like living. What would you say to somebody who is trying to get pregnant now, ⁓ maybe has had a miscarriage or maybe they told everybody they were trying and so people ask any news because that happened to me a lot.

speaker-1: Yes.

speaker-0: And you kind of regret telling those people because you don't want to keep giving someone bad news every month. It just kind of opens the wound more and more. You've already told your family and your husband or your partner. And it's just hard to keep telling everybody not pregnant or lost or whatever. And had that happened to me earlier, I don't know how I'd have handled it. I didn't handle it super well even older. what... If any advice would you give to somebody who's trying to get pregnant now or dealing with all those things I said and they haven't had the time that you and I have. Go through the gauntlet. Yeah. Of figuring out who those people are. Is it something that you would say is just kind of a trial and error and you kind of to gird your loins so to speak?

speaker-1: A little bit. I would say one thing I wished that I had done more of, and I did it more as I've gotten older, but would be to journal and to pray and to really work out these thoughts by myself before I'm sharing them with anyone else. And so by the time you get to that conversation that's kind of awkward, you've already kind of thought through it and you feel like you're in a more peaceful place. And so I think that's... going back what I would have told myself is like, pour your heart out in prayer or just to your husband until you feel ready to take on the world and the questions that are often very innocent and compassionate and caring, but you're not ready to share. then when they come, you feel more secure and you're like, yeah, I don't know the end of this story, but I feel peaceful about what's going to come. And you can say that honestly, because you've already worked it out behind closed doors.

speaker-0: Right, and maybe you have a little bit more of a shield. Yes. Or a screen door. it might bother you in the moment because it might be awkward or might be sensitive, but you don't get the same blow as if you hadn't worked through it, like you said. Whatever way that is for you.

speaker-1: ...unit-ly, cuz it- Exactly. Maybe a counselor it may be yeah somebody to say how do I how do I work through this in my situation if you? to definitely but

speaker-0: The general can do that. But I would caution people to wait too long to tell about things that have happened in the past because I feel like that, if I can speak from, we won't go through it, but because it's not fertility oriented, but I had a very big traumatic thing happen when I was a teenager and I didn't tell anyone for a year. And in that meantime, I filled the void with all the things that I just assumed about it. And it not only ate me alive, but I made new assumptions that were never challenged. if we put the transparent, we did back in the day, because we're old, ⁓ the projector, if you put that over, like a fertility lens over it, What are the things, I'm not asking, this is rhetorical, what are the things that you're gonna tell yourself about your body or about your, if you are, I did feel this way during my trying to get pregnant, like, am I not worthy? Do I not deserve this? I've been divorced, I got remarried. Like, keep on happening. like, so what's wrong with me? And so if you let that vacuum bag get filled up with all these negative thoughts, because you haven't actually said it out loud. for someone else to challenge those initial, I tend to be hard on myself first. And I would not be hard on you. I'd be hard on you. And so I need someone to be like,

speaker-1: You need to chill. whatever it is, which I goes back to finding your people. It really does. Or just a person. Doesn't have to be a big group of people. Just one person that you know that you can trust, that you can just be really honest with. And maybe you say upfront, I want to tell you this and I don't need you to fix it. I just need you to know, you know, because I don't want to be alone in this. Yeah.

speaker-0: I'm going to tell you this and I don't need, would love comfort. Yes. Because also maybe sometimes people don't know how to say it, but if you can lead them ⁓ to say something that like, I'm giving this information, but I need you to fix it. That takes the pressure off right away. Absolutely. Or I don't need you to say anything. I just want you to know, because I think me not telling you will create a...

speaker-1: Yes.

speaker-0: a little bit of like, you'll start to know that something is under the, that I haven't spoken of and I trust you with this information. However, I don't need a response. I just would love comfort and the love, you know, if you are a believer.

speaker-1: Yes, yes, encouragement.

speaker-0: Maybe it's not so much expecting them to say the right thing or not the right thing, you giving them permission and also giving them a little bit of direction. And that, I feel like comes with maturity. And again, having your people, which you are.

speaker-1: Definitely. Yes, you're mine! ⁓ this is so fun.

speaker-0: This is so fun. Thank you so much, Whitney. Thank you. Every way possible. If you can find your Whitney.

speaker-1: I know. find your ash and you'll be good. You'll be good to go through all of life's storms. I think that's the main thing.

speaker-0: Main takeaway. ⁓ Yeah, I mean, we're just like avatars, right? ⁓ Your awkward teenagers turned into best friends. Well, not at 40. It's been that way. It gets better and better with does. ⁓ You, my dear, aging like a fine one.

speaker-1: Yes. ⁓ I'm sorry you ⁓ my goodness

speaker-0: I adore you so much and everyone again, brighterdaypress.com, such great resources for any woman out there and children for that matter. And I'm just so proud of the company she's built because it's so ⁓ germane to who she is. It's like you can see her throughout all the stuff she has made, all the things she has written. You're just one of the best people on the

speaker-1: You're so sweet. Thank you. I love you.

speaker-0: Don't think that about everybody, so.

speaker-1: Well, nor do I. Like I said, my circle is getting smaller and smaller as I get older, so.

speaker-0: I it's spiral without the spiral. It I don't feel like it's bad thing.

speaker-1: But I think it's healthy. I think it's healthy for sure.

speaker-0: It is. And we are perfect examples of that you don't have to live in the same city or state. exactly. it be ⁓ an issue. think it's actually probably strengthened.

speaker-1: Yeah, I think so too. It makes the times really sweet when we do get to see each other.

speaker-0: Which is right now because this uninterrupted time. That's right. I haven't had, I mean I was with you but it wasn't that uninterrupted.

speaker-1: No, we had an entourage the whole time. a really cute entourage.

speaker-0: I anything other, ⁓ thank you again. I love you dearly and I can't wait to ⁓ just FaceTime with the whole fam.

speaker-1: Sounds good. Yes, we need to do that soon.

speaker-0: And to everyone else, thank you so much for listening. If you have any questions, I'm going to go ahead and offer Whitney up, to ask her questions. She's at, at brighter day press on Instagram. And she's very, very, um, I mean, all of this has been helpful, but I feel like you would probably answer someone's questions if they had further. I would definitely do the same, um, not to say that I have any experiences like Whitney did, but. Just all that will be in the show notes for you. And if you know of anyone who is going through something similar, please send this to them. ⁓ None of this has to happen in a silo. None of this has to happen without your people. And I think we are living proof of that right now. So if you want to share this with someone, we would be so grateful because it is life-giving. ⁓ to have your tribe or your person, whatever it is, in these moments, even just to reminisce about them later. ⁓ Until next time, have a great rest of your day, and again, thank you, Whitney.