Episode 10: Pregnant Palooza with Rebecca June Smith

speaker-0: Hey everyone and welcome back to Confessions of a Slow Cooker. I'm Ashlyn Blue and today I want to welcome Rebecca June Smith. Okay, I was trying to think about how we actually met. I know we technically met at Belmont where we went to college, but for some reason it felt more complicated than that. It's not, is it?

speaker-1: Listen, I just want to share. We were leadership scholars together. You probably don't know. Do you remember that?

speaker-0: I remember that now. I didn't realize we were in that together.

speaker-1: Yeah. And you were a cheerleader. Yeah. Or I'm sorry, dance team. I just remember you would wear these little bra tops from practice. This is when you were like famous singer. You know what I mean? You had like the abs and the short and I would kind of make fun of you. It's probably cause I was insecure about myself, but I'd be like, Hey, what's up little, little like, cool outfit. And you'd be like, what? Thanks. Like all peppy and like happy. then, um, you had a good sense of humor about it. And I remember one day being like, what?

speaker-0: I was on the dance team, but.

speaker-1: one day I'm going to see you again in like a Dillard's. I know if you remember this. I'm like in like 20 years and I'm going to be in like the fat person section. I don't know if I can say that. And you're going to be like, what up petite? And you're going to be like in the crop top section as a petite person. And you thought that was funny. And then we started talking. I remember that.

speaker-0: That is insane. I don't remember. I was very like, hi.

speaker-1: I know, it's insane. And you were always so positive as you still are,

speaker-0: ⁓ man, that is, okay, case in point. I couldn't remember where this was, but then so to add, you grew up in Franklin, I grew up in Bretwood, and ⁓ the name.

speaker-1: worlds apart, together.

speaker-0: You married Whit, who went to my high school, and he was at Belmont as well. And so that was kind of like a little bit of a cross. Like, you know, when you meet somebody and then you have somebody else be able to kind of vouch for them, like you ultimately dating and marrying Whit was like, okay, yeah, okay, I know this person. it just kept you more in my life. And I feel like in that way. So thank you, Whit, if you're out there. All right, so I don't even know where you want to start with your fertility journey. All I know is that I was around for all of them. ⁓ Go for it.

speaker-1: Yeah, you were. So, okay, well, here it goes. talking about wit, I remember I was told, I think in seventh grade, like you have polycystic ovaries, you're probably not gonna be able to have kids. And that was really irresponsible for a doctor to tell me that. ⁓ Because literally my whole life, I just thought that like, ⁓ I probably can't have kids. And it was always just something in the back of my mind. But I remember anyone I seriously dated and I remember telling Whit, are you okay with adoption? If I can't have my own kids? And he was like, ⁓ yeah. Allison's like my baby sister. It's not really a sister, it's a family friend. But she's adopted from China and I'd be okay with that. And I mean, I still love adoption, I love the idea of it. We had actually ⁓ signed up to do fostering classes. Really? because I wanted to foster to adopt and all these things right when we got married. Because I was just told, having kids is not for you kind of thing. then.

speaker-0: How did that make you feel back then? Did you feel like, you okay with it? Because one of my best friends came on and she was told pretty early on that she probably wouldn't be able to as well. And she can't. So that is the case. ⁓ But I'm just curious since, and she was actually, it was later in her life that she found out, but she kind of had this feeling or maybe I'm saying it wrong. Anyway, how did it make you feel? Was that something you carried?

speaker-1: Honestly, I was it's almost like I just Had to be okay with it like lots of things in life I was just kind of like okay. This is gonna be my story and it's okay It wasn't until after I got married that I was like, ⁓ now I'm kind of about it, but it wasn't I mean literally, I got pregnant six months after we were married and TMI, but I was a virgin when I got married so didn't really get a lot ⁓ Didn't really have a lot of fun times before the pregnancy happened. So I was always like pleasantly like I mean obviously so grateful that that happened but it was just so opposite of what I've been told. Yeah, like my whole life. So, ⁓ yeah, it was a really hard pregnancy and I like had every problem you could probably have but then I had a healthy little baby girl.

speaker-0: Okay, so then you go from being told that you probably won't be able to have any kids, getting pregnant right away, and then you did have more kids.

speaker-1: Yeah, before our oldest was one, we announced we were having another baby at her first birthday. That's how I remember that. Yeah, and they're 19 months apart, two girls. that is crazy because I never had a sister and they're crazy. I did. Yeah, I hope that they'll like love each other forever, but stay tuned because they don't right now. Anyway, and that happened very quickly. And I was surprised by that. So I was like, okay, like I'll be able to have as many kids as I want. No problem. And like, so I always had this weird fantasy of having like 12 kids, like a lot, like, and it wasn't really.

speaker-0: No, you didn't think you were gonna have it.

speaker-1: I know that's why it wasn't ever real, but like when I'd play Barbies and stuff, I would always be a single mom probably because I was raised by a single mom. And then I would have like, you know, 20 kids. I don't know how they got to me, if it was adoption. I mean, the part of Barbies and Ken. just not. Yeah, I didn't involve Ken, but I just had a lot of kids. So anyway, I always wanted a lot of kids in my mind, even though now it's like, oh, anyway. And so then I was like, ⁓ I want another baby. And then it was not as easy. And I remember people saying things to me like, I'm not going to name names of people saying like, well, you should be satisfied with the two God gave you or like, isn't that enough? And like it, it hurt my feelings and I don't really know how to articulate why, but it's like, yeah.

speaker-0: because it is not up to them to tell you how you should feel.

speaker-1: I but I did struggle with it because I was so thankful that I had these kids and like I never knew I'd have kids and like I should be grateful they were healthy, which was born and had meningitis and almost died, which was traumatic. There's just a lot there, but I guess. Okay, yeah, circle back.

speaker-0: Let me go back because this was like the segment hot potato. We can go ahead and start that a little bit right now. Especially when I have a really big issue, especially when people say this is how you should feel about it when they're not living in your shoes, because two things can be true. You can be grateful for what you've been given and the children you have. You can also want more children. Like those two things do not have to be separated. And so I don't know who said that to you. Don't tell me, but, ⁓ cause I'll go Rebecca Smith on them, but, but how dare them? They say that like, I'm sorry.

speaker-1: you I think people were probably well intentioned, but it just kind of stunk. And those are the comments you still remember. well, know, F you, you have more than that. You know, it's like, you know, but yeah, it's just, I don't know, being a mom is so weird. And like going through all this is such a blessing and also such a hard thing to explain to people who haven't been there. ⁓ But yeah, so I could not get pregnant right away like I had. And I think I tried for like eight months, but when I got married, I think I was 27. had when I was the end of being 27 and I guess I was 28 or 29. ⁓ so was getting up like where I felt like, okay, you know, I might need to see a doctor to get like help. So my doctor put me on Clomid. And then I don't know how to pronounce the one that starts with an F. ⁓ yes, yes. Famera, famara. Yeah, it made me feel cuckoo. I'm kind of embarrassed to say what actually happened because I feel like, well, let's just say it's the only time I blacked out from drinking and I had a lot of tequila the night was born and.

speaker-0: The mayor of FMR. The night he was born?

speaker-1: I'm sorry. The night he was conceived. Oh my gosh, conceived. This is why I need more sleep. I hate when people say like, oh, if you just relax, it'll happen. Like I hate that. And I know that I was told that I know it's not true, but yeah, I got pregnant with my son that very night. I was very relaxed. I don't recommend getting blackout. Please don't do that to conceive. But I don't know. don't know. Maybe those medicines were still in my system. I don't know. And I can't say it was because I was relaxed, but I still don't like when people say, just relax.

speaker-0: Well, that is something I what's going on. And when anyone told me that, I was like, you don't realize that there's a lot more to the story and it's not just my body that is having to deal with things. It was stuff that Marcus is going through that we are unaware of. to tell somebody to like, to sum it up for them, like,

speaker-1: Yeah, that's a good way to put it.

speaker-0: I had somebody say this to me in like a boutique. I don't know why she felt the need to walk up to me, but she was like,

speaker-1: I'm so nervous.

speaker-0: have a, I think it was a daughter, or daughter-in-law, or a grandchild, something of that nature, something removed, but close to, and you know, she just relaxed and she had a baby, so I'm sure that'll work for you. And I was like, okay, thank you. You know, after I think two and a half years at this point of trying. No idea. hadn't started the IVF process yet and we still had no idea what was wrong. I didn't know if it was me. I didn't know it was him. I didn't know if it was both of us. And just her saying that, well, I know she meant well. She was trying to me a good tip. But the unsolicited advice from somebody who, even if they know you, if they don't know all the story, it, just like you said a second ago, that has stayed with me. Right. And stayed with me the entire time because I then all of a sudden was like, what is wrong with me that I can't relax?

speaker-1: I was about to say there's no way to make someone feel relaxed by being like, hey, relax. Okay. makes me feel like, be sad. Thanks.

speaker-0: Are you chill? ⁓ Yeah, now I'm sad, sadder, or now I'm not sadder, but I feel like maybe there's something wrong with me because I can't get unsad. And so it compounds how you're feeling already. And like you said, you were already a young mother or a mother of young children. You were still young, but a young mother of young children. And so you had that going around in your system. so just, think unsolicited advice in general is just something that A lot of us have had to just stomach and no pun intended, but it's not helpful no matter how well intentioned it is. And I wish that more people, that's why I talk about it a lot on this show, because I wish more people realized the weight that they're actually putting on to other people. It's more of a cautionary tale than anything else.

speaker-1: It sort of reminds me when I was born, oldest one, she looked a little Hispanic, like she, my husband's white, but she had such dark hair. He did. And like tanner skinned the Misha jaundice. And someone in the Jay Alexander's bathroom was like, what country is she from? Like, where did you get her? Yes. And I'd always wanted to adopt. so, but like, I was like, ⁓ my gosh, imagine if she was adopted, like how I would feel. And I just said, what? Like, I mean, I was just so like.

speaker-0: Maybe she looks us like you in Wit.

speaker-1: Well, she looks like what wasn't with me. But at the time she did look, I mean, I had bleacher blonde hair and she was, I just thought I was really rude. There's just comments like, but I'm also like a super rude person that says everything I think. So honestly.

speaker-0: Nope, nope, nope, nope. You're not rude. You do say everything.

speaker-1: you're thinking. Well, I'm like some of this has made me, which I did think about something I said to you, which I have been, which I, can get to that in a minute, but I'm going to pause and say this about the next baby. Yeah. So I had a boy and then drum roll, please. How old was my oldest when this baby is born? I think 10. I had another baby. ⁓ yeah. It was a snow storm. It was crazy. I can't even talk about the things that were happening. ⁓ literally I've been told you can not have other children or you could die. Like your uterus will rupture again. Yeah, I'm sorry. My path is going, but yes, with my third, was born at 33 weeks because I was bleeding and my uterus was starting to rip. And so I was told like, you don't need to have more children. ⁓

speaker-0: Thanks.

speaker-1: But it was hard because my husband was Catholic. I didn't want to like have surgery to not have another baby. He's not going to do that. ⁓ And birth control, I've been on birth control since like seventh grade for my polycystic ovaries. And I just was like nervous about it. Like so many people in my family have had cancer. My mom had just gotten over breast cancer. I'm like, I'm not, or at some point she had breast cancer. My dad died of cancer. ⁓ Anyway, I ended up going to a specialist in Jackson, Tennessee, and he did all these tests on me. And he was like, you know, I don't think that your body's ovulating anymore. Or it's like something, I don't know. I got off birth control and I was trying to do this like natural family planning and it was working great. And I wasn't getting pregnant and I'd accidentally done it some days. I was ovulating because the spirit moved me and I didn't get pregnant. So was like, okay, I'm like done.

speaker-0: Yeah, this is, yeah, this is my-

speaker-1: Yeah, and I'm chaotic. So I just stopped keeping up with it really. And then I thought I was going through menopause and turns out at 38, almost 39 years old, I have a baby, which the comments people made to me still are wild.

speaker-0: Oh, I can't wait to hear that. If I could add in that you came to my baby shower in March of 2023 and no, 2024, sorry. You found out after that, but you realized you were pregnant at my shower. And I just remember being like, I wish we would have both known.

speaker-1: And No. ⁓ Yeah. Yeah. Our kids are so close in age and they're so cute and I hope they get married one day. And if only we lived in that society.

speaker-0: I know. I'm gonna look, I'm gonna put up a picture of the two of us at the shower.

speaker-1: ⁓ good. love it. love celebrating you and everything. whole life is ⁓ so happy for you.

speaker-0: you are. You've been through a lot with me and I so appreciate you and your comedy. Her comedic relief has, I mean, there have been some weird things that she has been a party to and ⁓ yeah, I'm forever grateful for your whatever comes out of your mouth.

speaker-1: Listen, I'm not good for much, but I can take a bad situation and add a little dose of humor in it. So there's that.

speaker-0: You can. The stuff you were saying at my 40th birthday, I still laugh about.

speaker-1: ⁓ yeah, what a night. That was a wild time. Yeah, that was a night to remember for sure.

speaker-0: See, you had your fourth. So, cap. Someone told you have PCOS at 13, probably not going to kids. Now has four kids. Not seamless adventures, as you have mentioned. Not easy rides, not easy pregnancies or births. A lot of, I feel like a lot of medical stuff.

speaker-1: Yes. Yeah, it's like every weird problem and I end up having four c-sections And with the last one when she had cut me open it was hard because I'd converted to be Catholic and there's so much that goes into ⁓ You know, you don't want to be anti life or anti open to life ⁓ But if you have medical problems that will kill images it's complicated right and so Right, so the doctor

speaker-0: Maybe to come out or not.

speaker-1: on the table was like, uterus is so thin, like, I think we're going to have to tie your tubes. And that was really emotional for me. ⁓ then I ended up like having to have iron infusions multiple times a month after she was born. I yeah, I was hospitalized, not hospitalized. I have to go to like the cancer lab to get these infusions, sometimes multiple times a week for hours. It was like,

speaker-0: this.

speaker-1: truly impacting my level of living. did it some when I was pregnant with her, but then it just got increasingly worse. And so I recently had a hysterectomy. Okay. So yeah. And so that was so hard. And it's weird because I didn't even really ever want a fourth child. Like I didn't, that wasn't in the cards. Like she's such a blessing. I'm so grateful. But then it's like, once you have that I think it's just once the option gets taken away. Yeah. Because I grieve that, like in weird ways. I think I remember asking you like, ⁓ are y'all going to have another one? And like, I just, that's the comment I was thinking of earlier. It's just that now when people say that to me, it's like painful. And I'm like, ⁓ I've said that to so many people not realizing.

speaker-0: Like you're genuinely interested. Yeah.

speaker-1: Yeah, it's just like hard because I'm like, ⁓ like I want to get to know the person, but it's like personal. And I want to say, are you having another one? Cause having kids is so great. You know, like I let, but I want more, like a million more of our church. You know, it's just, it's not ill meaning, but, there's no ill intent there. But now people, especially being at a big Catholic school and like our church and everybody has so many kids, people are like, just one more, just one more. And like, finally I'm like, you know what? And I don't need to overshare, but I always do. I'm like, I had a hysterectomy. Thank you for bringing that up. Thank you. Just like, why? Why are you coming up to me? Like, I don't know, but then it makes me kind of sad. It almost feels like inadequate. I don't know how to describe it. Like, I know, and I have four kids. And so it goes back to that comment, like, shouldn't you be satisfied? I am grateful. It's just when that organ, you know, when that got taken away, like the possibility of it, I guess like you not having a choice in it.

speaker-0: I think also satisfied is another word I would never, like shouldn't you be satisfied? Like that's like, like someone wrapping you on the wrist. Like it seems like a chastising kind of thing as opposed to ⁓ I'm so glad you have the two you have. know, like that would be like, I am so glad. I would love another one though. You know, like if that's

speaker-1: Thank you for helping me reframe that. I'm going to start saying that from now on.

speaker-0: I'm so glad you have the four you have. I'm so glad I have. And I'll be honest, when people ask me if I am going to have another one, I actually had someone I think ask me that yesterday or today. I have it all the time because I have one. So it's an easy thing for people to be like, do you want more? Cause obviously they can tell that I love being Archer's mom. And I mean, it's, it's written all over my face that I am a mom. Like I love it, I love it, I love it, even though he is psycho, I love it. And he, yeah. So I got that question yesterday and today actually. And my, don't feel that way when people ask me that now. ⁓ I don't know if I ever fully did, ⁓ maybe kind of got under my skin a little bit whenever. Because like, okay.

speaker-1: I'm a psycho.

speaker-0: Everybody on here probably knows this by now because if you've listened at all, but maybe this is the first episode you've heard. And if that's the case, I'll give a little bit of a rundown. I started trying in 2020 with my, well, I never tried in my first marriage. I did try in my second marriage and I was 34, almost 34 when we started trying in 2020 and had been married a little over a year at that point. And then we tried for, I mean, months and months before we even tried Clomid, ⁓ that didn't work. We ultimately had to go down the IVF path. We did two IUIs, didn't work, IVF. And then we ⁓ got an egg retrieval, had our egg retrieval, got four embryos ultimately that went to testing. Of those four, two were granted like... you can go to the next step and they were cleared in terms of all of the testing that they did, which is a lot of testing. And then we tried to transfer the first one and then we tried to trans and that didn't take, and then we transferred our second one and that is our son. So we have no more embryos left. And we had to come to terms with that during this whole process because they gave us an option before we even started the transfer process to say, Would you like to do another egg retrieval to see if you can basically bank more so that you have more shots? Because I was getting up there. I also had a child at 38. And so I was thinking about, okay, so if I did get pregnant and I wanted more children, they would normally say, and this is not something you had to deal with, I know, and it's not the same, but they say usually odds-wise, ⁓ if you... want two children, you should probably have four embryos that make it through testing. You know, should have an embryo because of the odds, not because of anything that you want to happen or not to happen. Obviously, you want the children, but they said you can go back through this whole process and have more at your disposal. We decided right then and there that we were going to go ahead and start transferring, which meant we only had two options and two shots rather. And so because of that, we had to come to terms with the fact that the odds are that one of these will not work. And are we okay with that? Because that's also, if one of them does work, then that's nine months of having the baby and then being a new mom and then going back through this whole process. So that's where I am today. I'm not going back through this whole process. I had already come to terms with it and I am still there. So, but when people would ask me like right after, literally right after I had my child, you want another one? And I was like, I'm dying, you know.

speaker-1: Yes.

speaker-0: I am underwater with my body and I have been on drugs for years at this point and then the pregnancy and then the 36 hours in labor and then the C-section because his head wouldn't fit and by the way, do they not know that?

speaker-1: I like maybe- You're the tiniest person, like- No? Yeah, we can't. Remember the petite section? No, there's no head coming out of there, okay? We gotta slice and dice him out. And by the way, all jokes aside, I'm very sorry that your journey was so- ⁓ it's okay. It's okay. not like-

speaker-0: So anyway It's my journey. It's my journey. But when, so when people had asked me right away, I was just like, uh, what? Like, I'm not thinking about doing anything other than like coming off of my hormone crack. Maybe alive and making sure he's all right. And so it was more, I know they were wanting to know, but sometimes I maybe, maybe I was just too hormonal, but I think I got a little irritated by it I was like,

speaker-1: healing my body.

speaker-0: can we not just be where we are right now? Like, I know I'm getting older, but like, I don't want that to take away from the fact that I, like, I don't want that to be the next thing that I'm thinking about because I have a baby that I've always wanted and I was just wanting to be present. And again, like get back to feeling like myself. I had not felt like myself for years because all I was doing was pursuing becoming a mom. And, but now, fast forward, I... I just, say the same thing every time. It's not like I rehearse it, but like, it doesn't bother me. It doesn't make me feel like what's wrong with you. I just go into like the actual nuts and bolts of it. And I wouldn't call it oversharing. You said like you, maybe you overshare about it. I don't think that's oversharing. depends on if you want to share it or not. That's what makes it oversharing. Like if you're like, I'm just going to tell you everything to shut you up. Or if you're like, no, actually here's my circumstance. And so what I said today was what I just said to you, we had to go through that process when we were in our IVF thing. And, you know, I'm 40, I don't want to go back through IVF again. And my husband and I agree. We are super, super thankful for the child we have. And there's that, you know, and what, what else can someone say to that? You know, and so I've gotten comfortable with my answer, but that's not everybody's. I'm thankful because like for the longest time I had to, I feel like dodge and weave and try to make other people feel better about what they said to me. even in divorce, people would say stuff and I'd be like, okay, thank you. But now I'm grateful because I'm grateful to have come to that spot. And I hope that you get there as well for you.

speaker-1: But yeah. Thank you. Yeah, think I.

speaker-0: Like, is it still dagger-y when people say that to you now?

speaker-1: The other day, mean, it's kind of like, think it's just because honestly, I feel like this baby's on her own so much that I'm like, ⁓ I kind of want to give her a sibling. Like she already has three siblings, right? But in my mind, I'm like, I probably would if I could, but I can't. And so I just think for me, it's hard to admit defeat or to admit like, it's not really defeat, but it's closed. Yeah. It's just hard for me to like reconcile it with myself. So I probably need to get more like. This is my story. This is what it is. Like, thank you, which I am, but it's still just been...

speaker-0: But you don't just get there. You don't just arrive. You have to go through the process because we, you know, I did have a scare. ⁓ Not a scare, that's not the right word. I had a, hmm, wonder if I'm pregnant.

speaker-1: Right. I wondered if, yeah, like if could it happen naturally like, don't know. Yeah, yeah, I'm just saying like, because people do get pregnant when they're four, you know what I mean? you'd be, you're just not gonna go through the IVF process again, which I do not.

speaker-0: You asked. We are not preventing. Okay. I do not want to go back on birth control because I don't want any more hormones in my body if they...

speaker-1: Yeah, exactly. I'm gonna be praying for you that the, you know, that kitchen's open, that slow cooker, you never know.

speaker-0: Well, and so to add to it, ⁓ Marcus had to get his sperm manually retrieved.

speaker-1: I don't know that means, but that sounds painful.

speaker-0: Yeah, he calls it ice picking his balls. He had to go, yeah.

speaker-1: Sorry, I didn't mean to make that face mark. I'm sorry.

speaker-0: I was no it's okay, but that was that's the other thing when People would ask or tell me just if you just relax ⁓

speaker-1: We got ice pick balls over here, people. It ain't about relaxing. Okay. We're going to Antarctica.

speaker-0: Yeah. What we didn't know had happened and we still don't know what caused this, but there was obstruction at one point. so that put our whole IVF thing on pause because we didn't know the obstruction existed at that time. Cause we had had two IUIs, which means like things were coming out. Sorry, everyone listening, but things were coming out when he had to do that to, to do like, I don't know, the turkey pacer method. And they were looking at the sperm there and they, cause so it was there.

speaker-1: like sports.

speaker-0: It was there. And then all of a sudden, right before we started the IVF workup, which is where you go in and you do like a gajillion tests so they can see what they're working with, there was nothing. It was like two months later and we were like, what? Like, so nothing was coming out ⁓ into the cup, like, or there was something in the cup, but like nothing was there. And so we had to go through a whole year of him working with a specialist. They put him on Clomid ironically, and it did nothing by the way, nothing, no cuckoo. They put him on all these things to try to get his his count back up so that we could start IVF and Ultimately, they figured out okay There's a there somewhere in the two months right before the workup in the I UI Or between the workup and the I UI something happened and there was an obstruction and that's why nothing was showing up But there probably is something hopefully something in there so they had to go in bypass the ejaculation part and just go in and see and they were able to find it. all of our, Marcus says swimmers are on ice in Denver right now. Not all of them, but like whatever they got. So we still have those technically. Like we could do another IVF right now if we wanted to. have.

speaker-1: just get a turkey baster at home in Walmart and just.

speaker-0: We could do an IE. I actually I take that back. I take that back. We could do IE. But we and we've talked about it. I still think I mean, I know because we had this.

speaker-1: was just kidding by the way, please. So go to Walmart and.

speaker-0: Yeah. We were, we still feel the same way. I am happy to say my entire life I wanted to be a mom. Now that I'm a mom, my sister actually said like, you'd know if you like have that feeling, that itch. And I always thought I would. But I think the journey that I went on to get here and where I am now and the fact that I'm like finding out that I can become myself again and be his mom. Like those two things have just really... They have made my life. You know, now we can start to, we can focus on him. My sister, Matt, you...

speaker-1: No, I I was gonna bring that up. I was gonna bet it know if you'd want feel comfortable talking about ⁓ She's just popping these things out. that hard for you? ⁓ the last one, ⁓ sad. Okay, I'm sorry.

speaker-0: Last one, she had two miscarriages before. He's younger than my son. So it's like, I kind of have a built in, no, we don't live in the same state, but Archer has like a cousin twin. Yeah. You know? And so ultimately, like, and we are very intentional about them knowing each other and being on FaceTime. ⁓ even though they can't really talk, they're just, when they see each other, like, you know, it's so pumped. yeah. I have that, like I have other people and a lot of people where I live actually just have one child because it is a really expensive to live here in the mountain town.

speaker-1: Rich Aspen. Hashtag Rich. Hashtag.

speaker-0: Expensive, Aspen, and also a lot of them start later.

speaker-1: would you based on everything you've been through and I know your life circumstances didn't lend to be like, know, with Marcus for years and years before trying. But if some would you recommend people start earlier or I guess you probably wouldn't give that advice. But like people ask me, should I try? I try? like, mean, I would because you never know.

speaker-0: I saying about tying earlier. I think it's all about knowledge. If you know that you're not ready to start pulling the goalie, for instance, you're not ready. I even had to push Marcus to try as soon as we did because he wanted to be married for a little bit. And I understood that. But then it was like COVID, it was 2020. I was like, why not the sea?

speaker-1: ticket, you know?

speaker-0: Because what, not literally what else are we going to do? That sounds like nothing else to like, you know, we don't know what the world's going to be like and we don't know. And I'm about to 34 and you'll be 35 after that, obviously counting, but that means you're geriatric and that, you know,

speaker-1: Yeah. That was a plot twist for me too. When they said that I was like, ⁓ my. And like being pregnant, 27 hits way different than 38.

speaker-0: What? ⁓ Oh man. can only imagine. I wasn't pregnant the first time, but it's a bitch.

speaker-1: Yeah, your body ain't a spring chicken anymore.

speaker-0: No, no, and that's been one of the other things about me not wanting another child is like, I'm happy to finally feel like myself again. And it's already hard enough being 40 and bouncing back or whatever that term is. It doesn't happen, A, but like even all the years when I was just pumped full of all these meds to try to get me to the next level, I didn't feel like myself then. So. identity has been a big thing that I've been able to get back. I'm still not there, like, by any stretch. I will not be wearing a bikini anytime soon. And I'm not trying to, like, become the girl that I was before. I want to...

speaker-1: I would say you're never going to be able to be her as far as like internally the same again, but I totally know what you mean about really like yourself.

speaker-0: There's some. Be that mom to Archer. don't I don't really care. If it sounds like, well, you just don't want another child. No, I would love to have had a different experience.

speaker-1: Right, you're open to life now and open to...

speaker-0: I will say I love feeling like myself again. And I feel like that makes me a better wife and a better mom and a better sister and a better friend. And I would not be able to do this podcast if I were in the same way. I wouldn't be able to show up for it if all of my effort was trying to get pregnant again. And I really want this time in my life to be. helping other people navigate these stories and these hardships or the questions or whatever. ⁓ Because I truly am satisfied with, if to use the word from earlier, I truly am satisfied with what I have. I think sometimes it takes that, like the whole journey, getting divorced at 30, not knowing if you find your person, finding that person, but then getting married at 33. closer, inching closer and closer to geriatric, not knowing because you never tried to get pregnant, don't know if you can get pregnant, find out it's really hard to get pregnant, even though we grew up in a place where it's like, you look at somebody wrong, you'll get pregnant. All of those things led to the eventual IVF. And then the roller coaster that that is, no matter how quickly or seamlessly it goes, it's hard. ⁓

speaker-1: I mean, yeah, that's all consuming. mean...

speaker-0: So now I'm here, I'm like, yeah, I'm happy to be here with what I have and look at all the past stuff and say, I'm willing to talk about it. I'm willing to bring up all the gnarly parts of everything.

speaker-1: I love that about you. You've always been like that. Like no matter what valley or mountaintop you're on, you're like sharing the raw truth. And that's a very, that's a very, I don't know. I just admire that about you. Not many people are like that. So.

speaker-0: No. I say that I come by that trait and willingness from my parents.

speaker-1: I love them. They're the best.

speaker-0: Yes, they are the best. They've always been that if we have gone through something or ⁓ one of the three of us, they don't shy away. They're not just posting and shouting it from the rooftop. It's not an announcement. It's about saying, hey, if I'm not showing up 100 % today for you, then I don't want you to think it's you. This is what I'm going through.

speaker-1: And just vulnerable in a way that most people now are not.

speaker-0: And that's also why this show, I think, is important because I feel like a lot more people feel comfortable talking if there's an element of, I understand what you're going through. And I think silence, I was talking about somebody yesterday, I think silence can actually make like fissures in your body that you just carry on and carry on. And if you felt shame about something or if you felt alone or like other, then if you don't feel other and you stop feeling shame, like that can mend. And then you can not have this big gaping hole of yuck that you never told anyone because you felt like somebody would either judge you or laugh at you, whatever the case may be. Like let's heal all that because we have a lot more to do in our lives and we have a lot more people to see. And if you're just carrying around that weight or that cut, however you want to. describe it. I just don't see the point. know, we have a lot more life.

speaker-1: nor low. Do know what I mean? Secrets keep us sick. Let's just be truth tellers.

speaker-0: Exactly. I remember a pastor back at, for O Baptist, I don't think he's there anymore. think he graduated, it's not the right term. But, there we go. But he would say, two sick people don't make a well person. He was talking about more like, don't be in a relationship with somebody also, but it makes a hospital. And I love that line. And I think I can apply it to this too. If you feel something that you don't feel like anyone's going to understand, and you're carrying that around with you. And then there's another girl, another woman, or couple for that matter, who are carrying around their feelings of inadequacy around fertility or not being able to have anymore because you had a hysterectomy that you weren't, you want to have. All these things, I would say the same thing applies. That just makes a bunch of sick people who don't have a clue that there are people out there who either have gone through it or are going through it at the same time. And what if we just kind of got rid of that? Like, I think how would you show up in your life a little bit differently? And for the other people in your life, if you didn't have some of these little nagging feelings that are stuck that I can guarantee you someone else has gone through.

speaker-1: Can you be my new therapist? This is good.

speaker-0: This is groovy. Okay, so let's move on to any more. Do you have any more hot potato stories?

speaker-1: How long do you have? No, I am. I mean, you know, the whole thing like, ⁓ your hands are so full. It doesn't really bother me when people say that, but my kids are just like that shit, you know, so I just never really know. Like the other day someone was driving by at school and he's like, your son's on top of your car. Like, I know that. Thank you so much. It's just like always, you know, you don't have your shit together. And I think I used to take offense to that more and now I'm just like, this is who I am. Like I have to let things go. Like I have to just, I don't know if this is a hot potato. This is my hot take. Like pregnancy is not what I thought it was going to be. Having children is not what I, you know, I used to judge people. Okay. I mean, when I was a nanny, I was the best nanny. I was so fun. I would judge moms. I would be like, why is she going to the gym every day? Like leaving with her kid? Why am I blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And now I'm like, ⁓ my gosh, she needed a break. Like, you know, and it's just this like, I'm like, I'll never do this or I'll never do that. And you don't know what it's going to be like till you're there. And I think you just have to let go of like all the expectations we put in ourselves for perfection. And I honestly think social media and all of that makes it worse. ⁓ and I'm totally guilty of it. Like smile for this, do this. Like. be something, you know, and like my kids are like, Mom, you just want to be perfect. I don't. ⁓ And I don't know. It's just, I think I got a little ⁓ off track. But the basic point is, I think I would tell people don't be so hard on yourself. Like life is messy. Being a mom's never going to be perfect. How you have your child's not going to be the way you thought perhaps, and it's okay.

speaker-0: Every plan I've ever made to work out. ⁓ Not the way I initially planned it. And so when I actually got to the birthing plan, ⁓ I didn't, I, and maybe because nothing had worked out thus far that I was like, what is the point? And the plan.

speaker-1: Yeah.

speaker-0: I thought there's like good information that we got at our birthing, the one and only birthing class because live in such a small thing, they only had one for like every quarter. That's funny. So, and it was like seven of us. What our person said, I can't remember even who taught the class, but she said there's no prize for it feeling worse and being harder to have this trial.

speaker-1: That's a good way to put it. ⁓

speaker-0: There's no, it's not, doesn't make you a better mom. It does not make you a better couple for having endured more pain. This is a modern medicine that is supposed to aid in it. And so I kind of looked at the whole birthing plan as that, like, I just want this kid out safely and I want to be safe as well. Like I want both to make it back home together so we can start the rest of this because It's gonna be hard as soon as you leave the hospital. This is something I wasn't prepared for. 36 hours was hard, you know, going through it. I actually ended up having to get four epidurals.

speaker-1: Yeah, I had to have multiple because they kept missing. Is that what you mean?

speaker-0: Well, and I didn't know that was even a thing. No one asked me, you have scoliosis. No one asked me if I had a curvature in my spine. I feel like that should be on the thing. I have a different one. don't have it. It's not obvious. I don't have scoliosis. I have a spondylolephe, I don't know how to say it. My sister, she has a huge scar. So it's clear she has something up. And so after the third one, I was like, they said, okay, do you have this curvature? I was like, yes. And he was like, well, the specialist won't be here. who can help out with that for a couple more hours. ⁓ But yeah, it was like, get the child out safely, everybody as quickly as, you know, and as painlessly as we can make this. This is called birth. But one thing that I didn't realize is after all that, and then at a C-section, which is a major surgery, you know. Well, I'm just trying, my goal to leave the hospital, and I really got cabin fever after a while, my goal to leave the hospital was the only way they would let me leave the hospital rather. was if I could make it two loops around the ward, walking. And so I was like focused on that and only that because I wanted to go outside and go home. And I was starting to have panic attacks. I didn't really tell anyone about it at the time because when I talk about my panic attacks, I get more nauseous. And so I was trying to like calm myself down and whatever. And then I got home and ⁓ my gosh, I'm never sleeping again. And so it was like, there's no recovery from actual surgery because the whole time you're recovering, you have to wake up every few hours to do the, you know, the, pumping or the try and the breastfeed and all the things. And so if I could give anyone advice during the planning part, like what you're saying, like be less hard on yourself and everything. If I could give someone some advice that is not me telling you what to do, it's that if you spend a lot of time thinking, you know how it's going to go. It's probably not, ⁓ no matter what that is that you have got in your head, either from what your experiences are, what your friends' experiences are, what you've seen on movies or TV shows, et cetera. It's probably not going to be that way, and that's okay. ⁓ But also remember that after this birth, that hopefully goes as seamlessly and as ⁓ quickly as possible, you have the whole rest of it, which is actually caring for a child. And that will not go incorrect.

speaker-1: No, you will be more humbled and more, I don't even know, broken, but then like...

speaker-0: It is a breaking. Yeah. is a Yeah. But it's like when you, you, like I hear on my little... There is, and, but also they like, in order to build muscle, you have to tear it first. You have to break it down for it to get stronger. And that's how muscle is built, micro tears. And so I wouldn't call this a micro tear. I would call this a, you know, like kicked you in the face and... Right. Are you breastfeeding still? ⁓

speaker-1: There's beauty in the brokenness, you know? ⁓ right now are you asking me? ⁓ I'm like, ⁓ my gosh, my baby was so fat. ⁓ They switched her to whole milk at nine months. What? From right from the titty straight to the... Sorry, I guess you're not allowed to say fat anymore, but her titty, I don't know. But here we are.

speaker-0: ⁓ no, Use your chart. You can talk, can, you can just.

speaker-1: I'm not breastfeeding.

speaker-0: All of this to say no plans are better plans. You know, just playing it out as you go. And that's because you're-

speaker-1: I would agree with that. That is easier. And I will also say, I don't know, I think if you have one child, if you have four kids, there's no what you were just saying about different plans don't necessarily mean better. Because we don't know what God has planned for us. My sweet neighbor across the street wanted to be a mom her whole life, couldn't have children. And she's the best mentor and support for my kids. I feel like... I don't know. It's just interesting like the way ⁓ people show up for each other and motherhood and like even who aren't mothers and like friends who like love your kids like their own. I'm kind of going on a tangent, but just to say like my life didn't go how I thought it would. Yeah. And I know that yours didn't go as you thought it would. And I feel like we're still both where we're meant to be. yeah, there's.

speaker-0: Excuse me. And throughout the whole of my infertility experience, because I was infertile till I was fertile. Like I'm now, or I could technically probably still birth a child at this point. But I think the best part about all of it is having friends you feel comfortable sharing with. People, like you don't have to be an oversharer. You don't have to post about any of the stuff that you're going through. with any of this, like, hey, like you didn't need to tell everyone what you were going through while you were going through it. That's not the point of, of, of this, but you, you should have people. I hope people have people to talk about it while they're in the midst. They don't need to make sure that they, or they don't need to wait till it's all said and done to say, look what happened. We're pregnant or we're, we're, didn't post anything about having a child or being pregnant or going through IVF. at all because Marcus and I decided we didn't want to. Not because we wanted to keep it from people, because we were telling all the people in our lives. Everyone else knew. But what we decided is that this was ours. This was so hard to get to. Right. That what I had initially thought, like I had, you know, an announcement like post in my head all those years I was trying. I just like dreamt of how I would be able to tell everyone. I even even found it. I have it. Oh, maybe. I don't know. Let's see it. I don't know if it's here, but it is here. I had my journal from during that time, because I was reading through some of the stuff. And in Aspen, in the fall, the leaves are just gorgeous. And so I would walk around with my dog and lament the fact that I wasn't pregnant again. And then I'd be like, but if we got pregnant in the fall, which we ended up getting pregnant in the fall, I would pick out

speaker-1: we get to see.

speaker-0: three little aspen leaves in different sizes. Like you do pumpkins. I would just put that up or maybe that's how I would tell somebody else. I don't know. Like I had this idea because I saw all of my friends getting pregnant and I'd waited so long to be like in a, in a, a, marriage with Marcus. And I was like, this is the guy I want to be the father of my children. Like I had all those things, but that kept evading me. And so anyway, I did find it. I was pregnant in the fall and

speaker-1: Yeah, that's so cute. Awwww. I love that. You need to frame that.

speaker-0: I just remembered about it.

speaker-1: I love that frame Bridget.

speaker-0: ⁓ I do frame bridge things. ⁓ And I've made it into a card, but I never did anything with it because we ended up deciding we weren't going to tell people. Because we also didn't know how it was going to go and we just wanted, we wouldn't post it. And I was like, well, what am I going to do? Just like show this to people? No. ⁓

speaker-1: I mean, that's a whole nother podcast ⁓ episode about social media and like the posting and the not posting, how it hurts people, how it brings encouragement to people. know, it's just complicated. It's all complicated.

speaker-0: And I did post about my IVF after I posted that we had a child. And a lot of people did not know because I had been taking pictures and cropping my belly out of them or whatnot. And it was, it was great because I, I was able to have a pregnancy and it not be online, you know, and that was nice for me because I was terrified the entire pregnancy that something would go wrong because I kind of got used to not going right, you know?

speaker-1: Remember that.

speaker-0: And so I waited until then, but, I like, that was like the whole plan. had this plan. had this idea. ⁓ and it never came to fruition. And then when it finally did come to fruition, the plan to get pregnant, things changed, know? And so I didn't talk about the stuff while I was going through it because it was sacred to Marcus and me to go through it and with our friends and family around. ⁓ but. That gets me back to having people to talk about it during the messy part. Like when I didn't get pregnant with my transfer of the embryo, I lost a baby basically. ⁓ I was devastated and I told my people, I told everyone right in that moment. I didn't wait until we were pregnant again.

speaker-1: And you needed people to walk through that with you. Yeah.

speaker-0: And I also just need them to know, like if you can find people who can be sad with you, dude, they can be so happy with you, you know? And those are the people you want to... Yeah. Well, and also, what does it tell them? That our relationship is only for the good moments? No, a relationship is just like in a marriage, there are ups and downs. The downs make the ups really good.

speaker-1: harder to be there in the low moments.

speaker-0: You know, and the ups tell you when you're in the downs that there's something else that exists here. And so I was thankful. I'm thankful for you during that time. Cause you again, always bring the levity. Um, and you were so sweet. Always are so sweet to me. Um, there anything that I have missed?

speaker-1: assess. Not that I can think of. That's OK. mean, yes and no. There's always some. There's always more. But ⁓ yeah, I don't know. I feel like I didn't do very good at the end wrapping it up. But I just will talk forever. You know what I mean?

speaker-0: And another thing. That's what this is about. ⁓ I so appreciate you coming on the show.

speaker-1: Thanks for having me. This is my first podcast, but listen, you never know what the future holds. You might've just given me a little bug bite.

speaker-0: You're very good, you're a very math girl. you're I am so thankful that you have been in my life. Gosh, I was thinking about when I was doing like 20 years

speaker-1: get at math. Wow, what? Like we need to have a Belmont reunion?

speaker-0: It's 2020 so- What? Anyway.

speaker-1: It's still 2004 in my heart, Ashlyn. can't get there. I'm grateful it's not, I'm also. From here to anywhere. From here to anywhere. That was our college slogan.

speaker-0: What That is the bum-bum slogan. Well, we started there and now we're here. And so I'm so thankful that you were able to take some time away from your hooligans and that Witt set you up and that you were a part of my life. And I'm hoping to see you soon when I come back to Nashville. So thank you, Rebecca June Smith for being on the show today and I want to go ahead and say Rebecca is, well, if you haven't been able to tell this from our candid conversation, she's an open book about a lot of things. And that's one of my favorite things about her. So I'm going to go ahead and say, and you can tell me if I'm wrong, Rebecca. I know you can say If someone wanted to ask you more questions about Pennyware, will put a link to her Instagram account on the show notes. And then...

speaker-1: ask.

speaker-0: As always, if you have questions about anything we talked about in this episode, please reach out. And if you know of somebody who has gone through anything that you heard on this episode, or is just starting to navigate a fertility journey, or maybe has a fertility journey in the past that maybe they want to know if they are alone, they're not, but please share it with them. ⁓ Nobody's doing this alone, and we definitely shouldn't have to, even in the after pregnancy part, you know? ⁓ I could have another companion show about motherhood at this point, but the start of it is the fertility. And I'm so, so thankful to have people like you on to talk about the craziness and the joys. ⁓

speaker-1: Yeah, there's a lot of joy. I should say there's a lot of joy.

speaker-0: ⁓ yeah, your kids are awesome. I love them. I love your husband. I love you dearly. So everyone's perfect. ⁓ no, we're not. I had like hair coming out this whole time and I'm like.

speaker-1: No, but somehow it's like hot. Somehow it's right. Like you make everything look right. I don't know how.

speaker-0: Yeah, I need you in my ear at all times. Thank you, Rebecca, and everyone else. We'll see you on the next episode. Until then.

speaker-1: Bye!