Episode 12: A Mother's Work with Sherri Huff

speaker-0: Hey everyone, and welcome back to Confessions of a Slow Cooker. I'm Ashlyn Blue, and today I am delighted to welcome someone I've known my entire life. My mom, Sherry Huff. Hi, mama.

speaker-1: Hi.

speaker-0: I keep saying it, but I'll say it again. A fertility journey isn't just reserved for the one who is trying to get pregnant or who is pregnant. It's for everyone who walks with you. That means your partner, of course, and your family, blood or not. Mom, I will let you talk, but I just want to say one thing first.

speaker-1: Thank you.

speaker-0: Thank you for being my mom in general, leading up to my fertility journey, all the things dealing with me in high school. But gosh, you carried some weight during the fertility part, not only for me, but for Maddie too. And for those of you who don't know, Maddie is my younger sister. Now I will turn it over to you, mom. Cher, Sherbs, let's go back to Nashville in late 2017. You, dad, and I sat around the dinner table and your phone rings. It's Maddie FaceTiming.

speaker-1: I remember sitting there getting a phone call and Maddie saying in a very excited way how she was pregnant for the first time, or was it the first time? Yeah. It was with Eli.

speaker-0: trying for eight months and she has PCOS and she'll come on here and talk about all that so we don't have to go into that but yeah she had been it was a long eight months for all of us.

speaker-1: She had tried to get pregnant for about six months and had difficulty got a dog and you know in that in her own which was mistake because then she got pregnant right away right before she went on what was it ⁓ the drug that

speaker-0: ⁓ climate.

speaker-1: Yeah. Anyway, so she was all, I'm so thrilled. And you were sitting there and when you heard her, I was like...

speaker-0: No, didn't know I was there. She didn't know I was at the table.

speaker-1: ⁓ it must have been after, yeah, after you said it, said, by the way, Ashlyn's sitting here. And, ⁓ the second she said she was pregnant, ⁓ you're, I think your head just dropped. And I just was like, ⁓ I'm so excited, you know, but knowing that you were dying over here next to me.

speaker-0: Just for clarification, I wasn't sad that my sister was pregnant. I was thrilled for her, but I was in a very tough spot. I was divorced for a year and a half at that point and no prospects. ⁓ shit. No. I could earn that. Not yet. We met once later. So it wasn't that long, but I have...

speaker-1: So you weren't

speaker-0: said on this podcast before, I've wanted to be, I wanted to be a mom ever since she was born. And so I just had, I remember dad looking at me and he like knew right away, cause he was across from me and you were, you had the phone and, ⁓

speaker-1: I think I remember just tears just sort of flowing down your face because you were happy for her, but you were so very sad inside. Not even that you expected to be pregnant at that moment, obviously, because you weren't married or didn't have any a boyfriend at the time. But you just knew that that's what you wanted and you weren't going to have it right now.

speaker-0: laid bare where I wasn't, more than anything else, I think. And that it just hit me because obviously I wasn't like girding myself for news. knew what she was going to say. yeah, it was such a complicated moment. But anyway, so we can go from there. ⁓ But let's actually, let's go back to the 80s. Or no, yeah, but I guess it would be the 80s.

speaker-1: Right. It was the 80s. ⁓

speaker-0: ⁓ You had a miscarriage. ⁓ I only know this because what you told me, but you didn't necessarily talk about it. I just knew it in the fact that Maddie was the only one you actually tried for because you had had a miscarriage. And that always was kind of a funny joke that Elliot and I weren't planned. But how far along were you?

speaker-1: Well, I went to my three-month appointment. So I don't know exactly when the baby died, but it was developed enough that, you know, I had to have a DNC. I lost a lot of blood because my sweet doctor said, I've got the same kind of blood that you type that you have and I'm ready or whatever. Not that he could literally give it to you right then, but he acted like he could. ⁓ ⁓ It was, ⁓ yeah, and the weird thing about that whole, that it was very traumatic only in the sense that Dan, we were living in Pasadena and ⁓ he had just flown that morning from Pasadena to New York to play on some sessions. so, and the weird thing is back then, at least my husband didn't. We went to the hospital, to the doctor, everything all by ourselves. Dan never ever once went to a doctor's appointment with me, ever. And so I went like normal and then he said on the ultrasound, which were horrible ultrasounds at the time, you could barely see anything. And he said, I'm not getting a heartbeat. I think I was probably in shock and I called ⁓ When we kind of like he did the ultrasound and we worked on it a little bit more and I called Dan and he literally had walked into the hotel room and had put his bag down when I called and I said, you know, I was crying. said, I've miscarried and he picked his bag back up and he headed straight back to the airport and just said, I'm leaving. I don't know, even know, I honestly do not know what they did about the session because he did not. due to session, came back home and I had to have a DNC and I don't remember if I went to the hospital that day. I must have gone the next day. I don't know. You know, you're just, it's such a blur. And I just remember after the DNC, which if I had not had that DNC and in today's times, I might have died because it just, you know, it was a big enough baby. that I could have developed an infection or whatever if I had to. Huh? Yeah, if I couldn't have gotten it out, I would have had to carry it to term because of the laws of the land or whatever. so after he did the DNC and Dan was there, I just remember coming back home and I was in a pretty good amount of pain.

speaker-0: Yeah, I'm-

speaker-1: And all I remember, I just remember it was the darkest of days because Dan never stopped working, sadly. I mean, you know, he wasn't like by my side holding my hand or anything like that. He came home from New York, but then I think he was booked on sessions. I don't even know how, maybe a day went by. I'm painting him like he's a bad person and he's not, he's the best in the world. But seriously. He did go to work and ⁓ there was a girl there, Lisa, who was a friend, not a great friend at all, hardly even knew her, Lisa Angel. And she ⁓ was in our life at the time because, know, when we lived in California, we didn't have any family other than David. And I don't know if David was dating her or not, but either way, ⁓ she was a friend of mine, kind of, and she came and took care of me. And it was... so sweet that she literally came and took care of me because I was in a lot of pain and I was also itching for some reason. And I don't know if that was the anesthesia. I itched like crazy and I do not know why, but it was worse than the pain. And I think it was a lot worse. I don't know what it was. I'm assuming it was the anesthesia and maybe I had a bad reaction from it. Okay. ⁓ But anyway, so we got through that. know, the one thing that really sticks out in my mind about that whole time period, I was young and so I don't think, ⁓ you know, I think it would have been maybe a little bit more traumatic had I been a little bit older and kind of knew all the stakes. I was a nurse, so I understood about DNCs and all that kind of stuff. But anyway, at church, you know, back then we did not wait to tell people we were pregnant. Second you found out you told people. So all we had a lot of church friends because that those people became our friends. Right. And our family. So we were real close and we would go on retreats and stuff. So I was pregnant and there was this one girl and I had miscarried by this time. And ⁓ she was she came up to me and she said, how are you feeling? You know, what are you doing? She was younger than me. So she was like 19 maybe or 20. And I said, ⁓ I miscarried, know, just like, ⁓ you know, I miscarried. she went, and she just turned around and walked away. She didn't say, ⁓ I'm so sorry or anything. She did not know how to respond. And I was like, okay, see ya. You know, I had kind of gotten up, gotten. used to idea that I was no longer pregnant. And I never once thought that I would never be able to get pregnant again. So, but I do remember her reaction and I thought to myself, know what? ⁓ You know, if you miss Carrie, if something happens in your life, it's okay to just to say, I'm so sorry to hear that, you know, but of course I have to give her grace and know she was young. I might've done the same thing at that age, but. ⁓ I do remember that. We kind of laughed at that.

speaker-0: And turn.

speaker-1: And then she turned around and walked away. And that was really worse than really worse because you were kind of like, ⁓ gosh, you know. Yeah. I got it. But anyway, that was a traumatic time for sure.

speaker-0: bothered you. Yeah. ⁓ so, So obviously Maddie came in 1990 and Elliott came in 94. So you were able to have two other kids. Did you have anything else? mean, any other miscarriages that I don't know about that were talked about on a podcast for the first time in front of a live.

speaker-1: Do what? I mean, this is silly, but ⁓ David Hough, Dan's brother, Angela and mom were coming in from the airport. David was picking them up with the video camera. my birth? What? For your birth. And ⁓ we didn't know what we were doing. David didn't know what were doing. He got lost. He hadn't been in LA for that long. He got lost from the airport with my mom and my sister who wanted to see the birth. And, and, ⁓ of course, didn't get a video, which is fine. had the video camera. nothing. didn't get to see my mom, my sister, video, David, nothing. ⁓ and the other funny thing was that, ⁓ I had been having trouble on the ultrasound with you. They told me that, ⁓ I had very little amniotic fluid.

speaker-0: See how the

speaker-1: And they were worried, and it's weird how all this stuff comes back and I, know, I haven't thought about this in so long. And they were worried that I, ⁓ the baby would possibly be a boy because a kidney disease that mainly boys get, and I don't remember the name of it, but ⁓ they thought that because I had such low amniotic fluid that I could have this situation and the baby would have a kidney issue. ⁓ Dan was in Joe... right before so right before the birth right before the birth dan was in japan and so ⁓ i had to go

speaker-0: I'm saying that- Your birth. Still my birth. am a girl. I wasn't a boy, but they thought maybe if I was then-

speaker-1: They couldn't tell the ultrasounds were so grainy and dark that they could not tell if you were a boy or a girl. And, and so yeah, they didn't, I don't know, maybe they didn't have any kind of genetic testing to see, you know, see like that. At least they did know at that time. You were born in Glendale Adventist hospital in Glendale, California. So anyway, so we really had to rely on friends when we lived in LA. So we had, I had a sweet friend, Gretchen Peacock, who used to drive me to and from Glendale Adventist to get these monitors put on like three times a week before, ⁓ Dan wasn't there to help me. So she would take me and I would get checked out. not, they were just wanting to make sure you were okay. Finally, they said, okay, ⁓ we're going to have this baby on August the 28th, which is your birthday. Dan flew in from Japan. I, big and pregnant, picked him up from the airport. We went straight to the hospital. It sounds like a movie. Because I was being induced. I wasn't in labor. And sure enough, we checked in and I had not seen my husband for, I don't know how long, a couple of weeks, I guess. Yeah, here we are getting ready to have a baby.

speaker-0: Can you come parents?

speaker-1: And dang it, if he did not eat Indian food in the room. The first thing, and we were trying to do Lamaze and I was like, you know, the whole time, almost vomiting. And then of course I did start being induced. You have pretty severe pains. And I tried to go natural and that did not work out very well. So they gave me morphine. ⁓ no, sorry, not morphine. They gave me dimerol. I need a morphine. would have like... No, they gave... They gave me dimerol. But the thing about the dimerol was that it did not help with the pain. It just made me fall asleep in between contractions. So I would be like... And then I hyperventilated. So they gave me a bag to breathe into. You know, cause I was like, I felt such pain. So then I'm trying to think what else happened. Okay. So then we realized, I don't think she's going to be able to go natural cause she cannot take it. And it's just like a diagram movie. Anyway. So he decided he was going to give me, this was like at one o'clock in the morning. Okay. He gave me an epidural. Okay. And you know, I have hyperactive reflexes. I jumped a freaking mile when he put that needle in. Yeah, really, really bad. And it took him forever to find somebody at that time to give me an epidural. So then, ⁓ so then he decided to

speaker-0: a good thing to do, by the way. ⁓ Let me stop you right here because ⁓ you don't know my mom when she says hyper reflexes. I'm imagining her like coming out and like punching the doctor. A double kick with her belly like and that would be accurate.

speaker-1: I'm like. Well, Dan, think may have been like, you know, because I literally almost jumped off the table. know, so the, but the last thing about it before you actually came out was he's, he was going to do an episiotomy on me. And back then they use for, you don't know what an episiotomy is? Where they cut, cut you down there so that the head can come out. I said, And he said, you feel that? And I said, ⁓ my God, yes. He said, ⁓ we need to put more medicine in you. So he put more medicine in me. And I truly, was just, I was like a dead fish when you were coming out. And sadly, they had to use horses on your little head. Yes, you had a a little cone head and he called you cone head forever. Now your head is fine.

speaker-0: That's why I had to... No.

speaker-1: I mean, think about all the things that just me had to go through. That's a lot of That's crazy. That is crazy. None of that stuff, I really thought, ⁓ poor, pitiful me. I was just like, ⁓ know, give me an epidural. No, that hurts. ⁓ give me more. And then it's like, ⁓ do you have to use forceps? Yeah, we can't get her head out. So, you know, it was insane. But that was the birth of me. Did you know all that? Yeah, did you know all that?

speaker-0: I knew some of it. knew dad, I thought it was Thai food. I knew he had something that would maybe not be agreeing. also remember you saying like things. I knew that you had to go pick him up from the airport. ⁓ And I think I met the guy who sat next to him on the flight. Dad was like all boohooey about becoming a father and he was super jet lagged and whatnot.

speaker-1: ⁓ curry. You mean later on in your life you met that dude?

speaker-0: ⁓ but. Yeah, like a couple years ago. Do this with your dad. That was fun, Memory Lane. Let's transition to less fun, Memory Lane. I just want to, like I said at the top, talk about how you had to navigate. Like we sort of said it when we found out that Maddie was pregnant. But as time went on,

speaker-1: Huh. He will like-

speaker-0: And again, I'll have Maddie on to talk about her experience. But as time went on, I can just give a little overview. Maddie had Eli in 2018, two weeks before I moved to Aspen, which was a bummer because I had always wanted to be an aunt, like a full-time in-town aunt. But I had met the love of my life. I had met Marcus and I was making that move and I don't regret that at all. Then she got pregnant with Liam. She was pregnant with Liam at my wedding in 2019, and she did not mean to get pregnant that time. I think they were trying to prevent actually, just so they had a little time to be parents and her recover. And then Cameron came in 2021, right?

speaker-1: So 18, 19, 21, yep.

speaker-0: And then Sawyer is Archer's age, my son's age. And so I wasn't trying to get pregnant during any of this time until probably around the camera. So Liam, was pumped. I was just in aunt mode. And then in 2020, Marcus and I decided, well, I sort of forced him to, to at least try just because it was, it was during the pandemic and we were like, you know, I was like, not he, I was like, well, what else, not are we gonna do? That sounds dirty. Why not? Like we don't know what's going on with the world right now. And I think he had wanted to maybe, I think I had promised him we wouldn't start trying until the fall. And then I like pushed him to do.

speaker-1: Like what? Well, basically, he wanted time to be with you. Yeah. And be married. Yeah.

speaker-0: Married. Which I understood, but I thought, I don't know, I just had this weird suspicion that maybe it would be harder. And he was like, no, no, no, it's fine. fine. It's fine. I was 33 when we got married and so 34, almost 35 at this point. And I just thought, I'm about to be geriatric. I might as well just see.

speaker-1: a little older. You aren't about to be. is con- I mean, sadly, that's what- Whoa, okay, okay.

speaker-0: Almost ⁓ And so we did have trouble. And so that was 2020. And then 2021, Maddie was already pregnant with Cam. And so that birth, while I love Cam, that birth was a little bit harder for me because it seemed so effortless for Maddie. And I was, what's wrong with my body? Why won't it do it? And by this point, I think we'd already started Clomid. ⁓ which made me nuts and Marcus loved that. ⁓ But it just got, know, Maddie had three now, I have zero and I am, I don't know why. There's no technical reason why that we are having struggles, but every month was just harder and harder. And I just remember not wanting to tell you or dad or Maddie because I was, I definitely didn't want to tell Marcus, but I had to.

speaker-1: I did. Yeah.

speaker-0: Yeah. Every month, it felt like a pile, just a piling up of more and more and more questions and concerns and like...

speaker-1: And time was slipping away. know, you're like, ⁓ yeah. Yeah.

speaker-0: I remember we first, you and I first talked about IVF and I thought it was so distant, but I knew in the back of my mind that we might get there. ⁓ So fast forward to, I've already talked about my entire IVF journey on this podcast. So we don't have to rehash, but one thing I did mention is that you are a big part of me, of coming with me to Denver. my egg retrieval and how fun slash not fun it was. But it was happy there and you were such a support.

speaker-1: I think I would have ⁓ have a hard time had I not been there. If I had stayed home, I think I would have really had a hard time worrying about you. So I'm so thankful that you let me come, actually.

speaker-0: I really needed you because Marcus Cadena. didn't know and just a reminder, when you do a neg retrieval in IVF, you don't know when that day is going to be. you kind of have to, it's easier if you live in town.

speaker-1: You have to be open-ended. may be there. Yeah.

speaker-0: ⁓ if I remember correctly, I'm going to back up to 2020.

speaker-1: to

speaker-0: Um, or maybe 23, actually I take it back. It was 23. I was in Nashville. I was selling that little house. I was there to do all that stuff. We were in the garage at your house where I was putting everything before I shipped it out here. And Maddie called and she was pregnant again. ⁓ And I was with you again, and I had another like I hadn't started I was gonna get to start IBF But I hadn't started yet and I had another one of those like ⁓ God like what if this doesn't work here it is happening for Maddie again ultimately she did have a miscarriage that time But I remember I don't know if you remember that

speaker-1: I don't really, I remember Maddie having the miscarriage and then she had another one after that, but I don't really remember. I know you were always, it was sad.

speaker-0: And there was nothing going on at that time, just yet. just, was waiting for that time to start. This was like in February and I got started in March or April. So it's right around the corner, but I remember being mad. Not a mad situation. So the first time I was just like, oh, like in 2007 or 18, 17, the first time I was just, it was like a, this is the state of my life. What if it never gets better? The second time.

speaker-1: Yes.

speaker-0: that I remember feeling this way ⁓ just in your presence. I'm sure I felt this way other times. But this is like, I think her first miscarriage. it was the first time since Cam, she had gotten pregnant and I'm like, I was just like, what the hell? What is wrong? Why can I not? I had gone through the waiting to get started with IVF and all that. And so anyway, that happened. But I guess the question I would wanna ask you is like, how could you do it? Like split your... your heart in two, to be able to handle the ups and downs of both Maddie and me.

speaker-1: I mean, I don't think you, mean, nothing is ever conscious, but I think a mother has to do that all the time because there's always that kind of scenario going on. One kid is going through a hard time and the other one, something great's happening or, so you just, you you always, you just have to take every child individually and support that one and encourage the person who's having a ⁓ good go. And then also be there for the child who's having a sad go and Maddie was old enough and mature enough to understand that I would probably need to focus my attention on you. And because really the one who suffers, whichever child of yours is suffering, that's where you go to. And sometimes at the expense of the other kids. So Maddie understood it and you know, so I don't think it was a a horrible thing to have to do, but you know, it is hard when you see one of your kids having, you know, having a real hard time.

speaker-0: Yeah, and I guess Maddie and I are four and a half years apart. So we were always doing different things at different times. know, our growing up, weren't, we weren't in high school at the same time or middle school. You know, we were always kind of, I was out when Maddie was coming in. And so I feel like this might've been, and that's why I wanted to know, this might've been the first time we were like in the same boat of sorts and that our age didn't matter. We were just both going through fertility. Yeah.

speaker-1: Right. Right. And you really, when you're, as you get older, that even four and four and a half years apart is not a big deal. You know, even as you get a little even older than even me, you're like, ⁓ four years, whatever. But when you're young, four and a half years is quite a large gap. Yeah. You know, as far as activities. ⁓ Are we going to talk about the when you lost?

speaker-0: Yeah, we should.

speaker-1: Yeah, because I was there for that. was one of the hardest things I may have gone through emotionally was, I don't know if you need to talk about it.

speaker-0: Yeah. So my mom was, as she said, she was with me during the egg retrieval, but she was also, she and my dad both came out to Colorado during my ⁓ transfer time because you can't really do much. There's a lot of lead up into IVF egg retrieval that you, you have to like, you know, you're taking the drugs, you're doing that. It's helpful to have someone there with you to keep company. But for the transfer.

speaker-1: ⁓

speaker-0: It's everything after the transfer. You can't really do all that much. don't, you kind of need to keep yourself occupied, but you can't like work out or do anything crazy. So both you and dad came out to visit. So the first one was in June and.

speaker-1: It was okay.

speaker-0: is in June and we were so hopeful. We had two embryos. We got one transferred. You guys were here. We hung out. It was a great time, actually. I looked pregnant, mostly from the drugs, I think, all the injections, but I also was having symptoms. And full disclosure, this is actually your house in Colorado that I'm in right now using it as a podcast studio. Thank you.

speaker-1: And you looked pregnant. I did.

speaker-0: I did tell you this, but I'm telling everyone else. And the reason I mentioned it is that on the other side of this wall is the bedroom that I slept in for most of that week. I was just trying to have a vantage point, scenery change from what I had because I was getting in my head. Because you have to just wait. And the waiting is so monotonous and heart-wrenching and fearful and hope, no hope. Like all those things are just going around. having you guys out here was helpful. And I slept in the room behind me.

speaker-1: at work.

speaker-0: He was, yeah, he had, he had patients that whole time. So it was, it was a nice change of, like I said, scenery. And so we were leading up to the day and it was a Sunday, so it took longer than normal. You guys came up to our place in Aspen and I was, I was, I wasn't sure, but I had never had symptoms like this. And so I, I kind of assumed.

speaker-1: And then we all did.

speaker-0: Yeah, we got that. And I remember being in just some pure shock when the lady who was not my nurse, because it was a Sunday, it was whoever was on call, said, I'm so sorry. And that's all she said really to me. I don't know what else she said. But you took it really hard.

speaker-1: call. It was so devastating for me and for Dan. ⁓ because ⁓ it felt like it took forever for them to just call us back. You were just so anticipating, but see at that time you were anticipating good news. So you're like, ⁓ come on, come on, come on, come on. And so hours and hours would go by and ⁓ then finally you got that call. And I don't, I think. I think I immediately just broke out and just totally cried. You were in shock and I was just like... crying at that point. Yeah. You... And Dad. Were... I know.

speaker-0: hysterical. And I mean, I sort of remember this, but I don't totally. The only reason I know more is that I wrote everything down in my journal. And one of the things I wrote was not about your response to it, but how much of a bitch I was to you and dad in following days.

speaker-1: ⁓ I don't really remember that part. I wasn't crying. I actually wasn't crying because you lost the baby as much like I didn't have a grandchild. I was crying because you were going to be so devastated or were so devastated. Even if you didn't act like it, you were in shock at the time. I mean, I wasn't in shock. I just felt everything and I was so upset for you, you know, and so, you know, I'm pretty emotional anyway. So I was like,

speaker-0: You lied to me.

speaker-1: You know, yeah. Dad was over there just crying too, but not like me. Never.

speaker-0: You were hysterical. No. Yeah, that was pretty hard and but you'd also been through more of the whole process with me, too after that, so I'm not saying that That that would have made your response different necessarily, but it I remember you weren't there for the second one ⁓ You were there leading up to it, but you guys had to go home some reason. I can't remember what maybe that one Now I had to work with TR

speaker-1: Right. Also. Yeah, but also I think you realize that might not be the best thing to do when you're getting news like that. Even though we're so close, you might need to just, because I think Marcus really wanted, you know, just to be the two of you so you could respond and process however you wanted to without two other people being there.

speaker-0: If you know, and I'm not likening this to being drafted to the NFL, but if you know that there's a good chance, really, really good chance, because your agent's telling you and you know you're going to be drafted, then you can have everyone sitting around you, rallying around you, getting like, you know, with the camera on and all that. It is not that way when you are finding out if you're pregnant and at any juncture, whether or not it's the clinic calling you because of IVF.

speaker-1: Yeah.

speaker-0: or peeing on a stick. It's not helpful. I think we, yeah, we may have just learned it the hard way that way.

speaker-1: I and I think we assumed or you assumed, I for sure assumed that either way we would want to be supportive of each other. you ⁓ know, there are some times when you just need to be just with your husband and or your partner or whatever, and just be alone and not have to because you feel, I'm sure Marcus felt like you probably didn't feel it as much, but he probably felt like He couldn't respond the way he normally would with us sitting there. Even though we all love each other, we're all super close, it's just not the same. And so we misunderstood that. I mean, it's not a mistake. It's just...

speaker-0: And you know. And then we have one more left to go. And so was, was, you guys weren't there for that second one and we got the good news, you know, and I will say Marcus and I were able to enjoy that moment in the same place. I refused to be on that couch the second time though. will say that.

speaker-1: ⁓ And we were tortured at home waiting for.

speaker-0: I know, know. And then you know what happened is we called you guys and dad was on his way to Blackbird Studio and we told him to pull over so we could FaceTime. And we were just, I think it was either all four of you, I think we did all four of you at the same time.

speaker-1: I so. I don't know why I was in the car, anyway.

speaker-0: And then I remembered that we told him the good news, obviously, and he ran his car into the, ⁓ he was stopped at like the gate, Blackwood, and he ran his car into it. He was so excited. I do, just cause it was like, of course he's not there with you, you know, like to sit there and, and the news, but yeah, that was hard. ⁓ I'm still thankful that you were there though.

speaker-1: That was true.

speaker-0: I don't know if I would tell somebody else not to do it. I think it's just got another risks. Yeah. Because like, and you can't really play out the scenario either way. Obviously you know how great it will be if it's good news, but you really can't know the devastation until it hits you in real time, how you're going to respond. I don't know if I would have said, ⁓ I will shut down.

speaker-1: Yeah. And we just assumed it was going to be good news. It was going to be a celebration. So we are there for the celebration and that did not happen. So yeah.

speaker-0: ⁓ okay. Now I want to transition into the last part, which is called, well, I call it hot potato. It's really a compilation, ⁓ or a smattering, you will, of things people have said to you that were unsolicited, ⁓ advice, comments. I don't know. Anything cringy. That, that you'd want to either share, ⁓ because it's just that appalling or something that is just funny. This is either awful or hilarious. It's one of the two or both. ⁓

speaker-1: And we're just talking about fertility stuff.

speaker-0: ⁓ yeah, this is virtually podcast mom. And yeah, so obviously we know what happened because we talked earlier about that girl who.

speaker-1: That was weird and awkward and cringe-worthy for sure.

speaker-0: Yeah, and maybe, you know, sometimes with hot potatoes, like, what would you have preferred someone do? So if, you know, that might be a good thing to say. And I can say just from hearing that story that I would say it maybe made you feel like maybe I shouldn't have told her. ⁓

speaker-1: Yeah. Oh, you know, I think of two things. Well, that, that, um, no, not shouldn't have told her because she asked me how, how, how's it coming? How's the pregnancy? And that's when I said, Oh, I miscarried. And I was like, fine. And she had that like, then turned around and walked away. I would have wished that she had said, like I said earlier, I'm so sorry, you know, and are you okay? And, um, at the grocery store, there was one thing that It wasn't really cringe-worthy, I guess, but you know, because I was so young, ⁓ I was 23 when I had you, and I did have braces. I looked like I was maybe 13. I mean, I was really... And the checkout lady saw that I was big and pregnant, and she made some kind of offhanded comment about...

speaker-0: Let's where this is going.

speaker-1: Are you old enough to be having this baby or something very inappropriate that you just don't say? Because I knew I was super young. just remember. And I think I even said to her, said, I'm actually 23, which I was- for three years. And married, yeah, yeah, yeah. For three years, yeah.

speaker-0: 23. That's terrible. Okay, so on the hot potato scale, that, I mean, the girl is one thing. That's cringy. I hate that you had to deal with that with the miscarriage, but just someone asking if you're like allowed to be pregnant on the scale of one to five, what would you rate it?

speaker-1: I don't know. mean, in today's world, I would say five.

speaker-0: being that forward and yeah, that's nuts.

speaker-1: Yeah. Yeah. Well, and it makes you kind of think about how young people sometimes aren't treated very nicely. You know, that somebody could actually say something to a young person who maybe I wasn't married, maybe I was pregnant and I was in high school or whatever. And you don't lay that on them. You know, you don't say mean things to them. You want to encourage them and love on them and take care of them instead of putting them down, you know.

speaker-0: If you weren't, yeah. If there's anything that she could have done to change the fact that you were pregnant, standing there. So what is that person supposed to do? Just leave and be like, wish this wasn't happening, thanks. ⁓ Just assuming that what you say to somebody is not gonna stay with them. And you don't know how they felt anyway. A teen ⁓ who had gotten pregnant. and didn't have a partner and didn't have anyone to go talk to about it after that. Yes, you had been married for three years and that was an odd thing I thought.

speaker-1: So yeah. I for three years. was 23, so I was legally of age. owned a house. I had a husband. Dan's career was going well. So everything was fine in my heart. it didn't make me feel insecure. Now, of course, I also had acne, remember. So that added to my youthfulness look. that my acne was the one thing that I think I was the most insecure about. because I felt ugly, just ugly. Of course I had braces. That made me feel ugly too. you know, that- What? Purr. Purr. Your hair! Yeah. I mean, so all of it looked bad. No, but actually, Ash, by the time I had you, my hair had grown out. Okay. So I wasn't so bad.

speaker-0: Wait wait wait. And you also had... and also...

speaker-1: ⁓ But ⁓ yeah, don't want to do that. But I did look young because I had acne and braces. This. ⁓ No, no, what she said.

speaker-0: But none of that warrants Yeah. And saying that and laying that on your...

speaker-1: Yeah. ⁓

speaker-0: Ugh, geez. Okay, well, we have a five on the potato scale, and ⁓ I would say the other girl... I would rate hers as more of a three and a half.

speaker-1: You mean the young one who said, ⁓ yeah, ⁓ yeah. That was an innocent not knowing how to respond.

speaker-0: It still could, you know, depending on the person who's going through.

speaker-1: It didn't

speaker-0: Those are things like that's what hot potato is about. It's not about necessarily how it felt to you in the moment. It's just like, I can't believe this just happened. it may sometimes serve as like just like a, yeah, that happened to me too. And I'd forgotten about it. And so it's fun now, but in the moment it can land. You can't make someone say something to you or not say something to you. However, It could land in so many different ways. So it's just more, it's more of a cautionary tale than anything else. Don't do either of those.

speaker-1: No, don't do either of those. But my little sendoff message would be, you know, when you go through things like that, when you go through, you know, ⁓ the pregnancy hardships, the physical, you know, acne and that kind of thing and feeling ugly on the outside. getting bigger. Bigger and then, you know, feeling insecure. It really does. It makes you a stronger person. at the end of the day. It makes you more resilient because you had to go through that hard time and you came out and you just have to deal with stuff and that is part of life. I would say, I'm not sad that any of it happened actually, we can laugh about it, but when you're going through it, it's hard, but the struggle is always at the end of the day, you need to struggle sometimes.

speaker-0: A check, check for me, divorce check, IVF check. And I can kind of bet that you are right. everything that has happened in my journey to get Archer has made it that much sweeter. ⁓

speaker-1: All those are dreams.

speaker-0: all those sad moments when I was mad that I wasn't, you my body wasn't cooperating. Yeah. It all does actually equal out to something quite low.

speaker-1: Growth,

speaker-0: Mom, you have been a wonderful guest.

speaker-1: Thank you. Dirty hair underneath, but I won't lift it up.

speaker-0: Well, if I learned anything from you, is wearing a hat can save a lot of shower time. Thank you for coming on, Mom. I'm so thankful for you. I said, thanks for being my mom my whole life. But especially during the fertility stuff, being able to lean on you during those years was.

speaker-1: Welcome. So. Well, I love it and I'm so glad that you're doing it because, you know, I think it's a good thing to talk about this kind of stuff. Yeah.

speaker-0: Yeah. And ⁓ your grandma name is?

speaker-1: Lovey. Lovey. Lovey.

speaker-0: Made me think of it and made me think of Roger calling you, Ubi. And then other kids calling you, Yummy. ⁓ But I still say.

speaker-1: Yummy is my favorite. would wish that was my grandmother name. I'll take lovey because that's what now that they call

speaker-0: Yummy! Marcus and I still watch the sheriff. Sherry the sheriff. We still want the sheriff. So I'm still pulling for it. If my child does it, I'm so sorry. I have been training. Anyway, thanks mom. I hope you have a good rest of your day and I can't wait to come visit soon.

speaker-1: I can't either. I love you.

speaker-0: Thank you guys so much for listening to another episode of Confessions of a Slow Cooker. If you have any questions about anything we said, don't ask my mom, just reach out to me. All that is the show notes for you. And if you have something you want to talk about, please send me an email to Ashlyn, which is A-S-H-L-Y-N-E at confessionsofaslowcooker.com. Thanks so much and until the next time, take care.

speaker-1: you