Episode 19: From Miracle To Miscarriage To Cancer of the Milk Duct with Lindsey Garcia

Small Batch Sound: Hey everyone, and welcome back to Confessions of a Slow Cooker. I'm Ashlyn Blue, and I am so excited for my guest today. I'll start with this. Lindsay and I weren't meant to become friends. Why, you ask? Well, because other people in our orbits at the time sort of told us not to be. Or that we weren't already, or we already weren't friends. Right? I don't know. Anyway, it's been a long time since those petty days. ⁓ and it didn't work anyway because we have been close friends, actually close, close friends since 2011. Haven't lived in the same state for a long ass time, but still close. And one of those people you can just pick up where you left off, and that's what we do. ⁓ those are the best kind of friends, in my opinion. I don't want to trample on her story at all. So I'm just gonna go ahead and say hi. Hi. Thank you for being here. ⁓ my goodness. Thank you for having me. I'm so glad we finally got to do this. I know as I'll get into because of a lot of my health journey, it's been hard for us to find a time to record. Yeah. And we're also in different sides of the c ⁓ you know, country. You're in Pennsylvania. Now I'm even I was in Nashville before, so it was like, you know, one hour, but then now it's two hours. And yeah, we've been full disclosure, we have been trying to get on the phone just as friends. For months. That happens when you're a busy mom, like you said, a two hour time difference. And yeah, it's just difficult. It is. And so this is kind of you're just you're dropping in, everybody, to our our catch up slash ⁓ podcast episode. ⁓ and I feel good about it. I feel good about it too. It's going to be wonderful. And I'm so so grateful. And I just have to say, I've listened to the majority of your episodes already. I think there's only like three that I have yet to listen to. And so I don't think you've mentioned this, but I think your listeners need to know that Confessions of a Slow Cooker was supposed to be a book. ⁓ I have talked about it. I talked about it on an episode. Well, the and I only talked about it because of how this came about with my acupuncturist A Alex. And so I did not listen to that episode. So that's why. That's okay. But it's really good because you are the connecting piece to this. You knew me back when I talked to you about it after I wrote the first book. ⁓ that never went anywhere, didn't did nothing. Fine. It was part of our discourse. You and I talked about our my characters as if they were real people. Don't worry about us. We're fine. But Lindsay was a part okay, and so I forgot to say your last name. I just ⁓ people don't know every Lindsay Garcia, everybody. ⁓ and for those who may have known her back before she became Garcia, she was Lindsay Hager. ⁓ so okay, blah blah. I'm keeping that part in. Don't worry. But yeah, but you we used to talk, so Ashlyn and I before kids, when when I moved fr 'cause I used to live in Nashville. Yep. So we did meet and became friends over a three hour lunch date at Peter's sushi in Bowwood, Tennessee, which is still my favorite sushi of all time. And we realized ⁓ my gosh, we are so much alike and we are best friend material. People tried to keep us apart. And it that we would have to have a like a 30 minute to an hour conversation to explain that. So just trust us. Like it wasn't good until you and I sat down. It was. And then ⁓ and then we realized we were incredible friends. And ⁓ it it was it was a beautiful story since then. But you and I used to talk after I moved to Pennsylvania for a probably an hour almost every day. Yeah. And it consisted of all of our ideas, all of our dreams, and so many of your book characters. And I was just so enthralled in it. I remember your first book I read in a whole sitting. Which is crazy, by the way. You are just a such a gifted, beautiful writer. So I love that this transitioned from you wanting to take journal entries while you were pregnant. To becoming a podcast. And it's just I'm just so proud of you. And I'm so grateful I get to be a part of it. And I love that. Thank you. And I love writing still. And, you know, it not it it this could ⁓ clearly be a book no problem after, you know, all these all these podcast interviews ⁓ later on. And I but there is something to be said about about these being live and ⁓ and having the conversation like what we're about to talk about with yours. I know it because you told me about it, 'cause you were willing to talk about it. And yesterday I was taping with ⁓ a a an infertility doctor and he had gone through other ⁓ episodes and said, Most of these people you know. I think, you know, clearly I'm one of the few people you didn't know before. And I I thought about that afterward and I was like, Yeah, that guy's I just like in writing, you start with what you know and who you know. And the plan for this is is to grow it to A lot of people I don't know. But you gotta start with the people you do know because the reason this matters to me so much is because I know people like yourself, like my my mom, my sister, all my other friends who have had journeys and they have clued me in. But how many people we were talking about it ⁓ yesterday, one in seven, this blows my mind. One in seven women will struggle with with infertility somehow. And that's before you get to geriatric at thirty-five. That's it goes to one in five. And then once you get forty and over, it's one in three. And that does not surprise me in terms of the statistics. But when you think about how many people you have that are friends, all your friends, one in seven or one in five, depending on your age. Like that's a lot of people. And I don't know that many people who have struggled in terms of my my percentages. I do know that they probably have struggled. But I they haven't necessarily told me or someone else. And that doesn't mean they have to tell me or have to be on a podcast. That just means they're out there. And so if these conversations bring some of those to light or just bring somebody out of a shame, ⁓ a shame game that they may be playing in their head, like, ⁓ yeah, but that person. I've had people say, I don't think my my story is is is interesting enough. And I'm like, huh? Your story is interesting because it's your story. It's not because of how crazy it is. And ⁓ hopefully no one takes your story as like a benchmark because we'll get there. but ⁓ anyway, that's all that's to say. I I'm so glad you're here to do this. Yeah, and you are absolutely right in everything you said. Everybody's story matters. And I told you this a couple weeks ago. I didn't realize how much healing I still needed until I was listening to your episodes. I'm telling you. And I was relating, I mean, my story is 100% completely different from just about everybody that you've interviewed, but there's pieces of it that are similar enough that I was like, I remember feeling that way. And then I was realizing that I was still harboring some feelings that because as we get into my story, people will understand, but I jumped from one side of grief to the next. instead of like fully healing from the first thing. And so thank you for what you're doing. Thank you for turning this into a real raw podcast. And I think it it is good that you started this with the podcast. And I hope it turns into a book because you're a beautiful writer. But this is very healing for people. So thank you for having me. And I'm so excited to share my story and I hope it helps somebody else. It will. And and ⁓ like a song that you write, which by the way, I can go ahead and say, ⁓ Lindsay is a phenomenal singer. Phenomenal. That's why we sort of met in Nashville because she was there for music purposes and I live there already. but I was kind of in musical circles at the time too. And so ⁓ you beautiful, beautiful voice. and so like a song, if you write it, you're writing it about something you've got. But someone else hears something else. You know, and that's the beauty of writing so honestly is that like you said, being ⁓ you can be super detailed and not vague at all. And still you could find yourself in some or rather, okay. Let me let me go back, Miss Writer. you can write a song. Lindsay could write a song about her experience. And she can talk about this on her podcast. And like she said when she was listening to others, they weren't even close necessarily what to what but she could find herself in it. And everybody knows that they feel that way when they hear a song. They feel like it was written for them. And it wasn't. No. And that's so cute. You can say, I've had a miscarriage or I experienced loss. That is a category. But the feelings in that category can make, I feel like, all the difference when you feel that visceral reminder of how it felt. So that you like you said, if you jump from grief to next grief or ⁓ my gosh, everything went went well for the first time and I'm okay for the first time. Like l leave that behind. We'll we'll deal with that later. And then you never do. ⁓ yeah. It's so easy to do that. And that's a part of my story. I mean, the start of my story, to be honest, might tick some of your listeners off. No, I know it won't. It won't. It might, it might it maybe it will. I don't know. But it but it won't because ⁓ it may be in a in a silo if they only hear that, and then they were like, all right, forget you. But just trust me, she has her own stuff to deal with. No, you you'll hear all my stuff. ⁓ but yeah, it so As far as my journey to motherhood, it was very much a thought and then it happened. I mean, literally David and I decided over dinner and a glass of wine, yeah, let's just start trying. Well, boom, I got pregnant. Like that month. I mean, or the month after. I remember you being like I remember you talking to me about right, about ⁓ 'cause I wasn't close to this at the time. Obviously we'd we'd talked about like you and I, we Talked about like both having families and all that stuff. And I was under the assumption that I I would I would be married to that person the whole time. And of course that was not the case. ⁓ but I remember you saying, Yeah, I think we're gonna start trying. And then like a month later, you're like, Well, it worked. ⁓ I was like, What? That's okay. And so not ticking me off at all, but I was like, Okay, that sounds great. Like I Yeah. Not that I thought this is like the prescription for how it does work, but ⁓ you were it was happening in real time for you. Yeah, and the few friends that I had that were either pregnant or trying, it was taking at least a few months. So I did not expect I didn't know my ovulation schedule. I didn't know anything. So I was not expecting to be pregnant. the first Well and then also I remember the another thing that that popped up that was like a com potentially a complication for you is the fact that David was gone all the time and there is a window for ovulation and all those things because he works works for ⁓ Southwest Southwest Airlines. I've never been able to say that. ⁓ law. ⁓ and so it was like, you know, that could potentially be an issue later down the line if if if it didn't line up with his work schedule. And it wasn't exactly an issue at all. That was not a factor. so I and I had a pretty great pregnancy. I mean, I definitely was nauseous. I had food and smell aversions. Like I remember any marinated meat, I could not like I couldn't smell it. I couldn't you know like I remember having issues. But ⁓ other than the fact that my my birth I was in labor for 48 hours because I had a top tear. So amniotic fluid was trickling down and like slowly coming out to where I thought because I I'm like a huge water drinker, so TMI, but my pee is usually like clear or very light yellow. So I'm like, Am I peeing myself? Because I hear that happens. Like you have less control of your bladder when you're very pregnant. So what is happening? ⁓ but then I went and got checked and they were like, ⁓ no, this is amniotic fluid, you're staying and we're putting you on pitocin so we can get things moving. Yeah. Well, things did not keep moving. And What week were you at this one? ⁓ I was past my due date. ⁓ okay. Yeah, he was well, I actually probably went in on my due date because he was due January 26th, 2016, and I had him January 29th. ⁓ okay. So I I okay, so I went in the day after. So I went in ⁓ January twenty seventh. And then there was a full 48 hours. And at that point they were like, look. Even though it's a top tear, like and and they broke my water. They like, he's been exposed for a really long time. So it's best for him that we get him out. So we did a C section. And I was terrified to have a C section. I did not want a C section. I mean, they knew like now I think having a birth plan is kind of laughable. But ⁓ at the time, you know, being a first time mom, you're like, no, I want to go by my plan. And they're like, ⁓ safety's most important. Let's just get him out. So at that point I was like, All right, get him out. It's fine. Yeah. Yeah. ⁓ so I had no plan. But I think that maybe comes with being almost 40 at that point and being like, I think Yeah. Like I'm just thankful that we have a healthy baby. Like let's have a healthy mama and a healthy baby. I think that should be everybody's birth plan. Like, not trying to squash your dreams. But healthy baby, healthy mama is what your birth plan should be and whatever means to get there. Exactly. Cool. And I will say they've gotten really good at the the this C C ⁓ I was gonna say C C R ⁓ That was where I went for my stuff. No, the C section scar. ⁓ Yes. It I actually kinda like now it's just like a little bit of a a war, you know. ⁓ you know, I went through like a badge of child. Yeah. Exactly. No, it's it and it's A major, major surgery. It is. And then they expect you to do all the things as soon as you're done, which is I I know at least in my hospital, there's a lot more help for moms than when I was in there for both my boys. Like I think that they actually were having accidents happen where moms were like so tired or like they were recovering from C-sections and having trouble getting up. So there was like a lot of almost. That they realized, okay, we need to take these kids to the nursery and let mom sleep so that and and recover. And that wasn't happening when I had my sons. It was like once you had your kids, it was like that was it. You're mom and now and yeah, we don't take them and help you and Well and what's in I don't even know what a 'cause neither of neither of us in the medical field that's just real. But I don't know what a like a a horizontal move, you know, an apples to apple. would be but guaranteed they would not bring your kid in afterward and be like, let me put this kid on top of you while you ⁓ and and by the way, can you pull down your breast and pull it out rather? And ⁓ let's just practice this and every three hours. See what happens. No no recovery. Do not sleep. Yeah. No. Wow. That when you put it in that perspective, it is kind of It's a lot. It's a lot to be a first time mom. I had I really did have a beautiful experience with Andrew, my oldest who is now ten. And and yeah, and when he was eighteen months old, we decided, hey, maybe it's time to try for another and Emmett did take three months, but again, yeah, I know. Didn't have any issues getting pregnant with him and Had a beautiful baby boy, but with him, I got major postpartum depression. it got really serious to the point where we moved into our house 10 days before I had him. So when I had him, things were still in boxes, things were still everywhere. And we do have a gun. And I remember seeing the gun in our kitchen above like we have we have cabinetry that doesn't hit the ceiling. So there's like a shelf above my cabinet. And I think because we just didn't have an exact spot for it and for safety. Yeah, that makes sense is it up high. Yeah. Up top, kinda out of sight, out of mind. And I remember David taking Andrew, because Andrew was two and a half at the time, out to ⁓ ice cream or something. And it was just me and Emmett. And I remember looking at the gun and staring at it and going, one little thing and I wouldn't feel like this anymore. Lindsay, I didn't have this. ⁓ my heart's and I remember calling David immediately and I was like, you gotta come home. Which I'm just so glad. I put Emmett down. Yeah. And I called my husband. And I just remember being really grateful that I had enough sense at the time. Cause you feel totally out of control. But I had enough sense to say, I need to call my husband. He needs to come here, ASAP. And he came and I told him and he was very freaked out, but he immediately called my OB. Yeah. Yeah. ⁓ and we got seen right away. I mean, they don't mess around with that. And I got on antidepressants and, you know, we ⁓ I wasn't able to nurse him and I was able to nurse Andrew, which is a whole other conversation because The amount of pressure on moms to breastfeed. Yeah. It's I'm I'm very much ⁓ whatever gets your baby fed is good. And there should be no shame for moms if they do or don't breastfeed. and so I had a lot of shame in it being really hard to nurse him. I tried for seven weeks and it just didn't work. So we ended up giving him formula because even pumping I wasn't getting a lot. And I don't know, I still don't know why, but ⁓ Yeah. So it was just it was a very interesting postpartum experience and navigating. It's interesting because you already had another one that was sounds like a hundred percent in the other direction. So different. In terms of postpartum and the breastfeeding. So like you are not a first time mom, but you kind of are at that point. Like totally different experience. Every child is a new Maddie, ⁓ my sister, for those who don't know Maddie. ⁓ she has four children and she had the s she had different experiences with well, she had mass dietis every single time, but she had different experiences every single time. And it was like, Yeah, you've been here, but when we were talking, even when we both had ⁓ newborns at the same time, finally, you would think she was a first time mom the way she was talking. And it was because this is a new person. This is a different person. And while she had done it, she had not done it with this kid. And so I I think that's something to really to drill down on ⁓ and and bring out and I'm so glad you brought it up because it's not like muscle memory in a lot of ways, I would assume. Of course I'm only a first time ever mom, but some things in your life you can pick back up and it's the same thing. You can sing like you can sing like you did, maybe you work on that muscle a little bit, but like you can you can find it. But this is not I I I think I think motherhood Some people are better mothers and more natural mothers. Sure. But going through a pregnancy, going through a birth, that is just not like a talent. That's some an experience for your body. And I think the ex expectation that your body's going to cooperate on the front end to get pregnant during the pregnancy, ⁓ during the birth and like with postpartum depression co cooperate the same time. It's not a machine. Marcus mentioned that a lot. It is not a machine. Don't expect it to act like one. So no, you can't just tweak something and it's like an immediate fix, you know? And especially after you have your child and then this is a different human being than the first one that you had. And that's the most beautiful, unique thing about having kids. They're each so different, but their care and their needs And the expectations are all so different. And I had so many expectations on myself that then was making my child miserable and then was making me miserable. And then with your hormones like doing this all throughout pregnancy and then post, it just created a recipe for postpartum depression and like a lot of other stuff that is very serious and needs to be addressed. Like if you are having any suicidal thoughts. Or i even touching on it. I mean, you need to immediately call and get help. Even if you're skirting it, even if you are just so low, but you're like, I don't want to harm myself, so I'm not gonna do anything. No, like talk to your doctor because it can get there and it can get there real fast. I was not feeling until I fit my eyes physically saw the gun. I did not have those thoughts. It turned like that. So I think it's so important that you advocate for yourself immediately or just tell somebody else. Even if you're unable to pick up the phone and make the physical calls that need to be made, tell your partner, tell your sister, tell your mom, tell your best friend, tell whoever. Help have them help you get help. Mm-hmm. And make maybe make maybe make that plan prior to going in for birth. You know, ⁓ so I would, you know. You do your baby shower typically a couple months before. Yeah ⁓ because you don't know when the birth is actually gonna happen, you know, once you get closer. Maybe take that same time frame and they be like, Hey, we need a safe word. I need something I can I don't need to be able to to ⁓ I don't have to explain myself. I don't know what's gonna go down. ⁓ w watermelon means things are not going well and I need you to help me seek help because I I probably and sounds like you had the wherewithal to to say something to David and and put it into words. But I imagine a lot of people don't know how to describe it because you w feel like you're drowning in postpartum anyway. And so if there's that, you've got a baby I've got the chills right now. If you've got a baby, you've got those things and then that po that pops into your head, holy crap, that is way too much to deal with in that one moment. And not to mention, ⁓ you're sleep deprived. ⁓ so like you need something ahead of time. As part of I think we should advocate part part Fart. Part of your part of We're talking about something so serious and I say fart. Okay, we gotta laugh about this stuff too. You know, part of the serious, but part of your birth plan is having somebody in your life, and it can be anybody, but and somebody to be able to give a safe word that says it all. So that you don't have to come up with all of the words to describe how you're feeling because you need help in that moment. You don't need to be like worrying about is this logical? I mean, as somebody who has panic attacks, ⁓ they've they've they've subsided recently for a couple of different reasons. ⁓ but I lived even just in the past few months w under like this, it was it was like like a cloud. That was following me around like a like a freaking cartoon and it would threaten to just pour at any moment. And I couldn't figure out why why I couldn't like outrun it a little bit and give myself like some some sunshine and but and I spent and always did, you know, even before this, trying to argue with myself, like, why is this hap like that's not what you're needing to be doing when it's happening for any sort of ⁓ event in terms of your mental health, you need People to understand that you have this, ⁓ and this is not about birth or or postpartum stuff right now. This is just in general. You need to tell the people who you trust that you deal with X, Y, or Z. Hey, I have a tendency towards anxiety. I have it I tend to when I'm in this situation, that's when it usually crops up. I just need you to know so that if I do walk out of the room or if I do shut down, that's what's going on. Because what you don't need is someone asking, What's wrong? What can I do? Can I sit next to you? Can I hug you? Get out of my face. can I what and or just trying to help you logically move out of it because that's just not what you need in those moments. And same thing here. I did not ⁓ experience postpartum depression. I experienced postpartum holy shit. But I did not experience the but I kind of expected to because of my anxiety and because of my ⁓ I don't have a tendency towards depression. I did during and post my divorce for obvious reasons. But I actually think it was more anxiety that was just keeping me down. Like like I was saying, that that cloud feeling to where I was constantly ready for something else to go wrong. And so I just wasn't really able to step into the proverbial light. I'm sure there was some and I was treated for it. And I my my personal one was I was staying at my mom and dad's house because I was I was having a harder time post divorce. And by the way, I was thinking about You had your first child right when I was going through my divorce, which is why I don't know a lot of these things. ⁓ in terms of your I know, we were both going through certain things and it was hard. I think about you don't know how often I think about that, and I probably should not air this on your podcast, but it's a real world podcast. But there's so many times where I think like I was not there for Ashlyn the way she needed me to be because I was kind of drowning in motherhood and it was hard, you know. And I I remember being like, ⁓ I just wanna be because ⁓ again, things that you don't think you're gonna say on a podcast, but then you do. In twenty fourteen, I went through a super hard season in my marriage and I literally called you every damn day. I remember this, yeah. Balled my eyes out to and from work. not knowing what to do for like three months straight, and you were there for me every single time I called. And then I was not the same for you. So I'm sorry about that. But were you trying not to be that person for me? No. Okay. But I love you and I wish that I could have reciprocated the same way. But it is it is okay. It is okay. I think that What you said is such an important smart plan to have before you have your child, because you just don't know. You don't know what your brain and body are going to do when your hormones are trying to regulate again postpartum. And it's different for everybody. It's different for different pregnancies. so yeah, so that's kind of what I experienced and by By Septem so I had Emmett in June and by September things were a lot better. Great. And I had kind of gotten over the fact that I wasn't nursing him and he was thriving. He was doing so much better. So that really helps the mama's heart. I love them. They are they are the best boys. They're now ten and Emmett will be eight on Friday. So I have an almost eight year old and a ten year old, which is It's so wild. ⁓ I you sent me a video of Archer and I was just like, ⁓ I just remember that. I remember that time so well. Right now, everybody, Archer is saying banana. And he can say a lot of words, but like that's the one that he just chooses to like regress on. And he loves bananas. So he says it every day, like four or five times a day. One other thing that popped in my brain was that While I couldn't make it, you lived I lived in Nashville at the time. You lived in Pennsylvania, which you still live there, but you had a shower and because I couldn't travel for it, 'cause things were starting to fall apart in my personal life, ⁓ I did send you, if I recall, a ⁓ something that was on your I didn't think of this. This was on your registry, but it was a onesie that said Muggle. Yes. ⁓ my gosh. I saw my Harry Potter fan. I have so many pictures of of Andrew in that onesie, and I kept it then for Emmett, of course. Of course. Because we're huge Harry Potter fans and we Yes. You're a wizard, Emmett. It was my favorite onesie for sure for my boys. I love it so much. But another another thing about that though, you you weren't able to come to my shower, but you Because of our relationship, you were like brutally honest about why. And I was like one hundred percent understand you were. I remember telling you about like you're not good. Yes. I cannot and at the time I was just rude I was like, I just want you well work on your marriage. You know what I mean? And obviously it didn't go that way, but you know, now we're very grateful. It did not at the time. But I will s I will say I would stand by my decision either way, not knowing where it was headed. you know versus just up and leaving. ⁓ during it was a it was a really fraught time. And I don't talk about my my first marriage or my divorce. I talk about the aftermath here. But this is this was my side of things. And this was my decision. It was not even a it was not even a co decision that we made for me not to go. I just knew if I'm gonna see this through, she's gonna be fine because she knows I love her and she knows I I love her child. Before he gets here. But also, by the way, side note, I was new to Harry Potter at the time. So I literally I read all the books in two months worth of time in 2015. In the at the end of 2015. And then I watched all the movies. So this was like all coming out, and I was like on the train. I really loved Harry Potter now. And then you had and I was like, Margot. Muggle And it was exciting for me. So anyway, that was the beginning of my Harry Potter journey and it has been a a s a through line for me. And one of the things was that you loved it so much that you and Farmer loved it. Yeah. You guys are OGs. I was late to the party at 30. But but Farmer and you are like such my people that I was like, okay, if I want to like 'cause I was having a hard time in the marriage and I wanted to go somewhere else, that was safe, you know. for me to go and Hogwarts sounded like a good place to go. Perfect. and I picked up I was like, all right, if I'm gonna do this, I'm gonna read them all. And I I went for it ⁓ before I watched any of the movies. And the reason I even picked them up was because I was like, well, I love them and they love this so much. Why not give it a shot? So thank you. Thank you. ⁓ my gosh. For showing the Harry Potter colors so often. Because I I will say you're welcome because Harry Potter is a huge part of our life. Almost every time it rains, definitely every time there's a thunderstorm, and just about every night going to bed. I mean, I'm I'm not proud to say as a mom we sometimes we fall asleep to movies, but my boys and I will watch a Harry Potter movie at at least a few times a week. I mean it just my child has not watched them with me yet. ⁓ but I can say that forty ⁓ proudly I do almost every night still. And ⁓ also Every sing every single night, every single night during my divorce, I turned on one movie because and I knew I wasn't gonna watch it. I knew I I just needed the background noise. It saved me when I was sleeping alone, ⁓ you know, after sleeping next to somebody for years, ⁓ it was the best thing that that I had. And I think it's probably even better that I discovered it right before this because it was a quick comfort, like I just discovered you. ⁓ franchise and and books or whatever and beyond the books, while I love, love, love books, having the the voices, having Professor McGonacle talking ⁓ in the background. It just yeah, it it it was a comfort ⁓ for me and it's still to this day and I can't wait to introduce it to ⁓ to Archer. I can't wait for you to hate it. I them I hate that or not. Yeah, then we'll have real questions about him. And his origin. Moving along, you have two beautiful children and they are doing well. So yeah. ⁓ the following year we got the worst news that my ⁓ mother-in-law she had a ruptured brain aneurysm and she passed away very suddenly. And that sort of prompted my husband and I To because it was very emotional. He's an only child. So it was very heavy for him. His mom was his first love, his world. ⁓ before our family, she passed, and you know, Emmett was seven months old. Andrew was three. And ⁓ it was really, really hard. And we kind of made the hard decision. We prayed a lot about it and kind of made the decision that we were probably done. having kids because she got to hold both grandbabies and that was such a beautiful thing. And and you know, with with David, what he does for a living too, two kids was pretty good for me to handle with, you know, parenting alone a lot. I have one and a husband who isn't flying around all the time and it is hard. It's a lot. Being a mom is just it's a lot at times. So in May Of twenty nineteen. Yes. May of twenty nineteen, my husband had a vasectomy. And in May of twenty nineteen. ⁓ yeah. That's right. Fourth, right? ⁓ May, yeah. May the fourth be with you. Yes. Yes. May the fourth be with you on 2019. You got married. Yes. sometime in May, David had a vasectomy. And then in October of 2019, I found out I was pregnant. Did he go checked for this vasectomy? So he did not go back to get his sperm tested. What I will tell you is after I had a positive pregnancy test, he sure did. And his count was still, I think it was five. I don't know much about the count numbers. Tell me. Well, there can be millions. in a normal sperm count. Five. He had five. And I got pregnant. So I am what you call a fertile myrtle. Not anymore. But I I was a fertile myrtle. I don't know, I don't I don't know how it happened. ⁓ obviously we went from being like, What the hell? Yeah. To then laughing, we're like, Well, obviously, like you hear the saying, you make plans, God laughs. Yeah. Yeah. Ha ha. That's just what we thought. So he did have a sperm count. So technically the vasectomy was not Completely right. There were still a couple ekers out. Yes. Yes. So he would have to have it done again. but we were like, okay, I guess we're having another baby. And it felt and then we got really excited because we were like, this is a miracle. You know, like this is like I can't I remember praying and talking to God and being like, You must have such a beautiful story for this child. Because this child was not supposed to be here, you know? And ⁓ and then we were thinking so much of his mom and like, ⁓ my gosh, like she's got a you know, a grandbaby post, like losing her. It just felt very beautiful, you know. And ⁓ I went and had my first check, my first ultrasound. Everything looked really, really good. I forget how far along I was then, but then When I went to have my next ultrasound, I it I was almost twelve weeks. So I was just about to get out of the first trimester and there was no heartbeat. And I remember Christmas cards with the announcements. We did. Yes. Because I just number one, the Christmas cards, by the time people got the Christmas cards, I was gonna be in my second trimester. And that's typically when you tell people. Right. So I thought, and I just thought for sure, I'm like, this is a miracle, baby. Nothing is going to go wrong. Like this is going to be fine. And I was absolutely shocked. David didn't come with me to the appointment. In fact, he was flying because I'm like, you need to come. Like this, there's not nothing's going to be wrong. I had had two wonderful pregnancies. I had never had a miscarriage before. I'd never had any issues before. I'd never had any issues getting pregnant. So I just didn't expect it. And then why would you, if you've never, if you've never experienced it and it's never been in your like orbit, then it makes sense that it wouldn't cross your mind. And so I can't imagine how devastating it is. I was so used to getting bad news that I was like, you know, crawling in there. Very quietly, not wanting to disturb anything. ⁓ you know, like please, please, please, please, please. Whereas I don't know what's harder though. Really. It's both hard. Right. Like I I I don't know which one I would prefer at this point. Thinking like, I'm good, I'm good, I'm good. Everything's, you know, the li everything's pulled out from under you, or you don't have a moment of peace. I think they both sound really, really bad. Yeah. No, they are. But I I think too there's something to be said though for Having I don't want to say ignorant hope because that sounds bad, but ignorance really can be a little bit blissful. Yeah. Ignorant has a negative connotation and that's not the connotation we're you're talking about. Maybe more a little naive. Yes. When you have naive hope, I think that you're more relaxed. You're less you know what I mean? Like stressed about everything. Where when you are expecting Sounds amazing. Yeah. When you're expecting the possibility of this has been hard this entire time, I don't foresee me going in like I need to prepare myself for bad news. I don't think anybody wants to be there. No. You know, like that would be really, really difficult. I would say it's just a kind of a more of an exhaustion, you know, that you're just like one hundred percent. You can't talk yourself out of it. So it's that's a moot point. If you're there, you're there. So if you're listening and you're like I can't I would love to be ignorant or naive. I'd love to be ignorant in a negative connotation if it would take away how the I feel right now. It's just not possible with when you've had bad news because you're you're you unringing the bell is just not a thing, you know. And so that's i y we walk into our different journeys with different things. And so it's easy for us to talk about in hindsight on both sides of the fence. Yeah. But it is what it is. It is. So yeah, so I got that devastating news and I had to have so when you are a little less farther along, I think if you are less than 10 weeks or less than eight weeks, I forget, you can have a D and C. I had to have a D and E, a dilation and evacuation because my baby was far enough along that it was it's more like giving birth. Yeah. And so I had to go through that and we did a like a joint burial, all of those things. And I just remember, I mean, it was obviously a very somber Christmas because it was our first Christmas without David's mom. I had sent out all of these Christmas cards. People were texting me congratulations, calling me congratulations, and I had to tell everybody. Thank you, but we just found out we lost the baby. And so it just was over and over again. Awful. Over and over again. So it was awful. Now, two months later. I felt a lump in my breast at my son's fourth birthday party. So this was the very end of January of twenty twenty, right before the pandemic. I felt a lump and I knew that breast milk production started at conception. So in my mind, I thought I started producing milk. I don't want this to become mass dice. Mastitis or some sort of infection. I don't know what to do because I delivered a baby and maybe milk production started. That's honestly what I thought because it felt like the cl felt like a clogged milk duct. I had had a clogged milk duct before. I'd had mastitis before. I didn't want that. So I made an appointment with my OB and I was seen very quickly, like within a couple of days. Nice. She felt it and was like, mm. I'm not overly concerned, but I want you to have a mammogram and an ultrasound. I just want to see what this looks like. And luckily they were able to get me in two days later. I mean, this was quick, quick, quick. I went in with by myself because I did not ex I didn't expect to hear anything. I expected to hear you do have a call to talk about it. Yeah. Yeah. You'll have maybe take this just in case. Do these massages, like I don't know. That's what I expected to hear. Got my mammogram, got my ultrasound. The radiologist comes into the room and immediately I know she's gonna tell me something I don't want to hear. And she said, You actually have two masses in your breast that are highly suspicious for cancer. And I was like, Come again. What? And that was the news I got two days later. The same side. It was my left breast. Okay. ⁓ my right had absolutely nothing in it. ⁓ everything was f was fine. I was able to get a biopsy two days later and it confirmed that I had invasive ductal carcinoma, which is breast cancer in my left breast. They didn't see anything in my lymph nodes, so they thought that it was stage one, like an early stage and confined to my breast, but regardless, it was breast cancer. And So I went from grieving the loss of my baby to what the hell? How do I have cancer at 34 years old? Right. And my world absolutely went upside down. So when I said earlier in the podcast, some of your episodes have been very healing for me, it's because when you go from only having two months to grieve your child to You have breast cancer and you're a young mom and how did this happen? And it I mean, you you just go into a different mode of survival. Like, well, I have to get through this. I need to be here for my kids. Like I've like, what is happening? ⁓ And you didn't even know that COVID was around the corner at this point. No, no, I didn't. So that was a whole other factor. obviously, when you get diagnosed with any form of cancer, there's a ton of doctors' visits. There's scans, there's blood tests, there's surgeries, there's talk of chemo, there's ⁓ a plan in place, you get genetic testing, you get all kinds of stuff. So I was in that whirlwind. I had my double mastectomy on March 10th of 2020. The world shut down March 14th. Yeah. So I got my surgery right before everything happened. Had my surgery been scheduled for after that, I might not have been able to get it. Would they not have called it a mur. Would they have called it elective? It wouldn't have been elective. Well, okay. So let me just say this. I would have been able to get my surgery, but they wouldn't have been able to do anything for possible reconstruction. Okay. Okay. So I would have just been flat and like they would have taken out my breasts and that's it. Or they would have opted to do a lumpectomy. So that I could keep my breasts or like it just would have had to have been other options. Right. And ⁓ I'm just so glad I was able to do it the way that we did. I mean, by the grace of God, that worked out. ⁓ I'm not laughing at what you're saying. If you see my face on this, I or hear me like laughing. But to hear you say by the grace of God, it's like I just had a miscarriage, I just got a cancer diagnosis. ⁓ I know. By the grace of God, I got to have the surgery. Like the no. Yeah. I mean, yes, by the grace of God. But it's just like a lot leading up to it that's not like, well, thank goodness everything was great. It was not great. No. I it sounds so backwards. I think now that I am six months, I mean sorry, six months, six years apart from that, and my journey has been very interesting. Yes. I think. that I have seen God move in my life more than I ever have in my entire life because of cancer and losing a child that just my faith is so much stronger than it's ever been. And so I can say that. Like I can look back on that now and say, you know what, that was a God wink. Like that was something where God was really looking out for me because this part of my story is helping other people. Right. And if it helps even one person, it's worth it. If it if it helps people see the hand of God in their life, then it's worth it. And I mean, my faith is stronger. My boy's faith is so strong because of what they've seen me go through. My husband didn't fully surrender to God until all of this. So there's been so much beauty in it that it's hard for me to not be like, God, I'm okay with it because of what you've shown me. And again, the reason I like laughed. Is it it's it's just like in succession of you selling all these things bad, bad, bad, bad, bad. ⁓ no, yeah. You know, thankful for It sounds backwards. But I ⁓ I actually do understand. I am so thankful my life blew up at 30 one. Yeah. I am so thankful that I had fertility struggles because it has brought Marcus and I closer together as opposed to the opposite, which all these things can do. Uh-huh. I am so thankful for every down that I have experienced because it has made the up that much more up. More upper. You're so grateful see the life that you have. And and like you said, if it if this podcast helps somebody, not just this episode, but all the other episodes, depending on what somebody has dealt with, or maybe maybe be go get checked out or maybe whatever. That is the point. Because if if you've ever heard a million times, in our experience as human beings, be who you needed when you were younger. And sometimes that's not being a better person. That's just being more open about things and being in someone's ear at a time than when they need to hear it. And that could just be something like you saying, I'm sure this is just the milk duct doing its thing because I just had, I mean, I would do that. I would start to go backwards and be like, all right, how is this working? How is this working? And draw that conclusion, of course, my anxiety might pop in as well. But you know how to quash anxiety? Go get checked. Yes. That is how you get a check. The the fear or whatever. I'm have I'm I'm doing my colonoscopy. I've had to move it like four thousand times. But I have a sneaking suspicion that if there's gonna be anything going wrong with my body, it's gonna be in my gut area because that's where all my anxiety, that's where all the stuff with my parent my dad and my gra my ⁓ my maternal no, paternal grand ⁓ mother has had issues. And so instead of waiting until I'm forty five, until everything's fully easily covered and there's no issue, I'm just like, you know what? I don't need that in my life with a two year old especially, ⁓ with a husband I love. I would like to just go get this done. And that might mean that there's more ⁓ hoops to deal with and r you know logistical issues but the peace of mind is worth it and if you were worried about it or if you're even thinking about it and it's waking you up at night or you know i ⁓ on your mind all day that's how you can get rid of that feeling and so one hundred percent your story or any of these stories on here can do that it is so worth our experiences and I don't wish cancer upon anyone don't let don't hear me say that. I don't wish divorce I don't wish f fertility struggles. But if you got them, use ⁓ Make ⁓ work for you. Yes. And then help somebody else out. Because it will. You don't know how many people have gone and gotten things checked out because of my story. And thank the Lord, nobody else has had cancer, but there have been cysts that they now know is benign in their body. Yeah. And they might not have to do anything about it. Some people have had To have things surgically removed because there's been issues. But they have that peace of mind that, okay, what I felt in my breast or what I felt wherever it's a benign cyst. I now have that peace of mind. That is worth so much more than gold. Like it just is. And so I'm so glad that you're getting a colonoscopy, that you're doing the hard things because you will have that peace of mind and possibly answers, even if it's If there is something there, the sooner you figure it out, the sooner you're find you find it, then you have more time on your side to deal with it. Or you know, if you find something and it's earlier in a state stage, then you like science can work in your favor, you know. Absolutely. Time is on your side in every sense of the the word. And so just putting it off and thinking, if I just don't To me, that it that is asking for double trouble later if there is something. So Yeah. Like you can't lose to find out now, you know. Exactly. Get yourself checked for sure. Be on top of your health. And if you are forty or forty five, then go get all the normal checks that you should. Like just go do them. Don't delay them. Just go get it done. Get your mammogram. I will never I I've had one mammogram and I will never have to get another one again as I don't have press tissue anymore. So yay me. I don't have to get, you know, them slammed into a pancake anymore. But ⁓ if you're forty, go just go get it done. Just go get your mammogram. Just go do it. It's not that good. Or or if you're not forty yet and you have history. Yes. You know get it checked out sooner too. Yeah, if there's a family history, especially, or if you feel something, I remember get feeling like what I thought was a lump. it was not. ⁓ because I get did get it checked. when I was pregnant, I had like and I just have dense breasts. It's just it's breast the tissue or whatever. And same thing when I got the mammogram, they said, let's check you out for one thing. We think it's density, but we'll check it. So I went back a second time. ⁓ but I was pregnant with with Archer and I was just, you know, like I I put probably put my hand on my on my chest, like doing something being my dramatic self. And I was like, whoa, whoa, what's that? What's that? And of course, my first thought, because I think everything's a problem, is especially during this time, I'm like finally pregnant and we're I'm moving right along. But I was like, don't no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Yeah. Do not do not be something else right now. Yeah. ⁓ and so instead of just going home, 'cause I knew I wasn't gonna be sleeping, ⁓ which is something I need, you know, like for the health of my baby and the health of myself. So I thought, okay, I'm just gonna go ahead and call. And I I went up to the the OB and ⁓ as soon as they let me in and she just checked it and she said, no, it really is just dense tissue. But that's what I needed. And so instead of I think women tend to think, ⁓ I'm hysterical. People think I'm hormone. And we are, we we can be hysterical, especially when you have a lot of hormone fluctuation. ⁓ you know, every time of the, you know, every time of the month is can be a hormonal fluctuation. So you can have this all the time. You don't need some big event to explain why you're feeling a little, you know, teetery. But if you feel it, I just I would just encourage all women to take like not your diagnosis as like a cautionary tale, you probably have cancer, because that's not what what I think you are wanting people just to panic. But instead of erring on the side of it's probably nothing, maybe that's just what you want somebody to tell you later, like in the in the office. ⁓ You good. You overreacted is the best the best thing I heard. The best news when yeah. Let it be that. Don't let it be that. Nine times out of ten, that's what you're gonna hear. And hey, then you get to sleep a little better that night. Or then you get to then you already now know what it feels like when it probably is nothing. But I would rather err on the side of I don't know, but I'm gonna get it checked out so that I know. And I I'd rather someone laugh at me for overreacting in this. One hundred percent. Who cares? Just get it checked. Just get it checked. We're conditioned to think, no, be small. Not conditioned by Sisa, but it's just like a thing. ⁓ she's it's probably nothing. Yeah, it probably is. But I like to know. Thanks. Yeah. Yeah. Especially when you get older. Or even when you're like you were thirty four. Mm-hmm. Thirty. I never would have thought. And I got genetic testing. It it was all environmental. Okay. So you had some environmental stuff from the past too, I feel like with ⁓ no, maybe it wasn't b that. It was it was ⁓ candida. That was from like years of medication ⁓ you think? Yes, years of medication. From years of birth control and and different things. I think my body was just ⁓ a little messed up. And so and that could have been a contributing factor. We don't know, and there's no way of really checking that. And The thing, honestly, at the end of the day, like it can happen to anybody and it's nobody's fault. Right. You know what I mean? Like that was one of the things that I had to reconcile because being a mom of young kids, I'm like, what did I do that caused me to get cancer at thirty four when it's not anything genetic? Like it because when it is genetically driven, you truly could not have done anything. To I mean, there's always a chance you don't get cancer even when you have the gene, but that is something for sure you can you can at least rest assured that you did nothing wrong. Right. Where when it's environmental, you're like, What did I do? Like I've I rel I take care of myself relatively well. Yes, I've had gut issues, and yes, I've had different feminine issues and and things like that that I have mitigated, but I I just I don't know what else I could have done. And when you're a young mom, you beat yourself up and then you realize like and my oncologist, she's been so helpful with this too. She said, It's not your fault. Mm-hmm. And I've had to hear that a lot. But I think I finally believe it. Like, it's not my fault. It it happened and, you know, I'm doing the best that I can. I think that my boys are Number one, they have such a strong faith because of this cancer journey. ⁓ they are incredible human beings. And I think that partly has to do with the fact that their mom has cancer and they are walking a childhood that, although it's still great, it's very different from their friends. And they have had to see me with no hair. They've had to see me with really low energy and not being able to play with them or really do much at all. They've had to see my mom and their dad and friends and family come and help us because of my cancer journey. And and I'm still in it. Like I I would love to be able to say, like, I was stage one. It never came back. Like I I had just had to go through that in 2020. ⁓ and now I've been fine ever since, but that is not the case. It did come back and I have had cancer on and off for six years. ⁓ so that is a journey that we continue to walk. But I have the most amazing kids who are so compassionate and so kind and the most beautiful human beings because of what I'm walking. And there is so much of a gift in this journey. Like, yes, it's hard. Yes, it's difficult, but there have been a lot of gifts as well. And so that's what I hang on to. Like you said, everybody's story is kind of wild. Yeah. Is anyone ticked off about how she started her her fertility? No. They weren't anyway, but now they really aren't. How are you today? I'm good. I feel better than I have in years. ⁓ I am on a new cancer treatment that is so gentle. It is so phenomenal. I feel great. I have more energy than I've had in a long time. I think my body is the healthiest that it's ever been. And ⁓ I do still have some residual cancer in my body, but it's minuscule. Like I am almost in so every six weeks they check cancer markers in my blood, and every three months I have a scan. So there is still some detectable cancer that shows up in my scan and they're And where is it now? Mostly like little nodules in my lungs. Okay. ⁓ and then so in my blood. So anything, and I know this is gonna be really hard for people to understand if you're not in the cancer world. I want to know about it, so I'm sure someone else does. Yeah. So cancer, the one cancer marker is called a CEA cancer marker. And anything below a three is normal, meaning like you could get a blood test and you're you could be 2.5 and that would be a normal range of like. Detectable carcinogens in your body, which it sounds scary, but we live in a world where there are carcinogens. ⁓ so I am at a 3.8. So I'm almost in normal range. So there's very little cancer in my body. And what the cancer treatment that I'm on right now isn't a chemotherapy. So it doesn't, it's not as harsh on your body, which is fantastic, but it also doesn't work as quickly. Okay. As a chemo would. So if I had gone back on chemo, I probably wouldn't have any cancer in my body right now. But because we're kind of doing a little bit of a slower path, it's working, which is fantastic, but it's a little slower moving. But they checked two other cancer markers. There's a I think it's a C A fifteen and a C A twenty seven, something like that. I I should know this off the top of my head, but I don't. Anyway, they are both below normal. So ⁓ All of these markers show like really, really, really good signs. Okay. But good is below normal is good. Yes. Okay. Yes. Below normal means like or below, you know. Yes. I'm I'm getting a number that let's say you were to get the same blood test, you could have those same numbers. Okay and that would not mean that you have a cancerous tumor in your body. Right, right, right. It could just mean it could even mean inflammation. It could mean, you know, it's yeah. It it's a whole that's a whole other conversation. But yeah. But that's something to know. Yes. Yeah. In April. I think we were originally gonna maybe try to to have to do this in April. And I literally had doctor's appointments almost every day in April because ⁓ I At that time I had inflammation in my lungs because of the treatment, which can happen. It's actually common, unfortunately, with this treatment. So, ⁓ but they had to do what's called a bronchoscopy to make sure that it truly was inflammation and not cancer, because again, like this could be very frustrating. But on a scan, inflammation and cancer can look the same. They can both light up. ⁓ Yeah. Right. And you don't wanna be like to go back to what you're saying, you don't wanna be like, I'm sure it's nothing. Yes. Yes. So especially with my history. Right. ⁓ but luckily it was inflammation. So I just was on a series of prednisone, which it's not prednisone, but but I am finally starting to not have like prednisone face. Yeah. Like ⁓ but I did for and it's still a little puffy, but I I was like, ⁓ my gosh, I hate this. ⁓ fun fact, I was on a lot of prednisone during my first album ⁓ photo shoot. So I have a little bit of a prednisone face, ⁓ like just on the cheeks, yeah, the lower part in my first album cover. And I didn't know that. I dislike it so much. Isn't it the worst? Well, and it was like it was an effort to to get rid of I was on a lot of antibiotics and a lot of prednisone so that I could get rid of all the sinus stuff, which I ended up having to have surgery anyway. It didn't work. That's right. You did. Mm. ⁓ my gosh. I didn't realize that. Yeah. So you know. Prednisone. Sounded really good because I was so prednisomed out that I didn't have any inflammation in my my you know, my throat and I sounded phenomenally clear. But yeah. Looked a little moony. Moon facey. ⁓ it happens. Jeez. Okay. So I don't really think you could add anything else at this point to someone's like, what would I do in these situations? Because you've been saying it, you've been peppering it through the conversation the whole time. Is there anything though that you wish you would have known, that you wish you would have done differently now with all of this? And it's not in totally in your rearview mirror. It you know, the experience is you know, obviously our butt. Is there anything you wish you could tell somebody in the same situation that you're in now with any of the stuff you've talked about, ⁓ that you would do differently? And it's okay if that's a no. ⁓ my gosh. I mean, I think we all learn as we go in life. And I've really wrestled with that and I've have come to have a peace about that because, you know, I mean, I feel like everything I would want to say is Treat your body well because you just never know. Like you have one life. You have this one life. So when you are a young mom, if you have to ask for help to go exercise, do it because sweating and detoxing is really good for your body. Don't skimp on making nutritious meals for yourself just because. you don't have time. Like you are putting your kids first. Like it is important to to, you know, that is important to put your kids in an important spot. But taking care of you. That same nutritious meal you just made for them and eat some of it. Yes. Taking care of you is going to make you the best mom for your children. Sleep. Don't skimp on sleep. I skimped on sleep. For so many reasons. I skimped on sleep because I didn't love the whole sleep when the baby sleeps. And that doesn't happen anymore once you have a toddler and anymore. So it just was really hard. But there were times I was definitely the type of person where once I finally got the kids to bed, I wanted me time or time with my husband. So I would stay up until like one in the morning for Emmett's next feeding because I just wanted time to myself. I like cherished it. when I should have been sleeping, because your body heals and recuperates when you sleep. So don't think that it can't happen to you. I'm not trying to scare anybody, but don't think that if you if you spend years not really taking care of yourself, that that's not gonna take a toll on your body and ⁓ well once the kids are older like I'll get back in shape or I'll get back. It's not about looking a certain way. It's about taking care of you so that you can be the best version of you for your family and for yourself. Like that's okay. Like that's not selfish. Well, and I think what you said, like you wanted some time for yourself, maybe a couple times a month to have those like, you know, to to be like, ⁓ I wanted some time for myself. I wanted some time with my husband. That's fine. Yeah. But I think just like at everything else, it's so annoying to hear everything in moderation, but like what you're saying It could it if it's an everyday thing, if it's an every night thing, whatever it is, it's going to add up. Yeah. And it really is. So every other every you know, you don't have to have a schedule for it. So I'm not gonna put a number on it. But every now and then is fine for anything. ⁓ I take it back, not everything. ⁓ but so don't I I would say the the pendulum swing is like don't I have to go to sleep. Because I have to go to sleep. Like that's not a life either. You know, we I want to live, but I also want to live ⁓ a full life. So I usually erred on the on the side of like depriving myself of everything because I wanted to be good and I ⁓ you know, in in the eyes of God. And I w so I on the other side of that, I was like, I I've I've I've struggled emotionally thinking I shouldn't, I should ⁓ I should be more fun, I should be more whatever. And Where I've come at, I've never done anything crazy. So don't worry about me. I know you haven't. ⁓ yeah, who you're talking to. But like in in my between my two ears, you know, that's where I have the most struggle of like, should I, should I not, am I being too much of a prude or too much of a this person or can I be more fun and and whatever? And where I've landed is that ⁓ either side kind of blows. If you take care of what's inside, and like I think this is what you're getting at is If you do the sleep, if you take eat the good nutritious meals, if you rest, if you ⁓ give yourself space, if you do I've been asking some people lately, what are you doing for fun? that's important. Yeah, ca I know I never would have said that before, but I am I'm doing it for myself. And the answer I'm getting is not much. You know, and I'm like, okay, I know it seems like the last on your list right now, but Try to schedule it in because during just like sleep, the benefits are like they're kind of trippy how great they are and how much of a reset you can have mentally. Not in the production mode all the time. Not in like, like you said, when sleep when the baby sleeps. No, I got stuff to do. That was me. ⁓ and I probably could have slept if I'd given it a minute. But if I didn't have that, like if I wasn't so exhausted, I'd be like, nope, I'm good. I'll do it later. And that stuff adds up. And so yeah, we are in our time of our lives now. And you were at forty, I mean at at thirty-four, finding out that your body's not a machine. Yeah. Yeah. But just like you said, there's there is joy in doing things that that are fun and and bring you happiness and that is very healing too. So that's such a good point. ⁓ yeah, I would add that to it. Like find joy. Because and don't beat yourself up if you have made bad decisions up until this point. Correct. Correct. You can make a change at any time. And it doesn't have to be perfect. Because like like you just said, if you try to be too stringent and there's no wiggle room, number one, there's no joy. And two, you feel shame and stress if you don't stick to that. And we're imperfect human beings. We're not going to. So it's just making healthier choices as often. often as you can to give yourself the best chance. Like that's it, because we can't control it. We have this one life. You don't know what's gonna happen. And that's okay. We shouldn't live that way. Like live as if you might get hit by a car tomorrow or you might live to a hundred and two. Yeah. Yeah. Both could happen. Both could happen. Hopefully one of those happens and not the other. Anyway. Lindsay, do you have anything else you want to add? You've been so great. ⁓ my goodness. I don't think so. I'm just so grateful that we got to chat and we got to talk about all of this and then we got to finally sit down. And I'm thankful that you wanted my story to be a part of your show and ⁓ duh. Yeah. I hope that there is someone out there listening who this helps for sure. Yeah. Yeah. And if And I love you. And if this yes, I love you. ⁓ if you can't tell, we really were meant to be friends. I said at the top that someone some people were like, You guys aren't friends and I didn't know her well enough to tell them like, you know, F off. But But I I I can and I know I'm not gonna say that now, that's rude, but I'm so thankful that we found each other when we did because you find those you find those friends and if this is ⁓ not a testament to You don't have to hang out every day. You don't have to see each other every day. You need a foundation for sure. Yeah. You gotta start somewhere and build from there. But ⁓ I'm so thankful for you in my life. I'm so thankful for your honesty, your willingness to be with me during the hardest parts when you were available. And I think that's also really important to talk about. And I'm so glad you you brought up what you did because it it didn't change our friendship. You know, not being able to be there for each other in every single iteration of whatever that is. And so I, you know, it you don't need shame as a friend either, you know, as as ⁓ what did you do, what did you not do? This is not a competition. We are here. No, you're right. We are here and and I I appreciate you bringing it up because ⁓ if it's going on internally, you need to say something about it so that if nothing else, someone can dispel it. You know, and get it out of your your system. I do feel better saying it. Okay. Good. Good, good, good. I'm gonna put Lindsay's information in the show notes because I always volunteer everyone who comes on the show to be a part ⁓ of everyone else's journeys. Sorry. Yes. I'm an open book. Anybody can message me if you've if you have any questions or if you have any fears or a similar journey and you just need someone to come alongside you, like you can message me for sure. Please do, please do. She really will like take her up on it. ⁓ and as everybody knows, you can always put ⁓ find find me in a lot of different places. All that's in the show notes as well. We'll be back next week ⁓ to talk to someone else about their unique slash same zes journey. ⁓ and until then, I hope everyone takes care.