Episode 14: The One Who Went First with Molly Dodge

Small Batch Sound: Hey everyone and welcome back to Confessions of a Slow Cooker. I'm Ashlyn Blue, and I'm delighted to have my guest today finally be on the podcast. I like everyone, obviously, who comes on the podcast. Don't get me wrong, but this woman was literally my guide when it came to IVF. Molly Dodge was the one I called when we finally came around to the hard truth that we were gonna have to go the IVF, IVF, excuse me, route to become parents. She was so honest with her journey in real time. Posting about the ups and the downs on her Instagram account. And I religiously followed all of those. ⁓ I called her and she shared with me the clinic she used, the doctor she used, the play-by-play of everything she went through, and it was a lot, and she'll tell you about it. And then she checked on me during my personal process, gave me context to what was happening in real time on my end. It was just everything that I needed. ⁓ And before I let Molly share her journey, I want to also mention that Molly and her husband Barkley are the owners of the only one star Michelin ⁓ restaurant Bosque in Aspen. Barkley is a chef and the food well, my husband's a foodie and it's his favorite. So if you're ever and I like it too. Sorry. if you're ever in Aspen, Colorado, you must check it out. And Bosque is spelled B-O-S-Q. Okay. Molly, I have talked enough. Where would you like to start? I guess I'll start at the beginning. ⁓ you know, my journey to motherhood was long. and you know, I come from generations of very fertile women. My mom is one of eight. Whoa. My dad is one of four. All of my aunts have many children. My grandmother's sisters, one has nine. One has eight, one has four, one has six. I just I never thought that becoming a mother would be difficult at all. I never really thought about it. Yeah. and when the time came to start talking about it, I was thirty four, I believe. My husband and I got married. And ⁓ you know, we went to go see doctors, just our you know, normal OBs and they were like, You're young, you're healthy, you know, let's give it a let's give it a go. So we started the process of trying naturally. And, you know, it's funny when you think about sex ed in grade school and, you know, all that they tell you. But I mean, I learned about ovulation in my thirties. Right. I had no idea what my body was doing in between my period and You know, I just I didn't know what it was there for. I didn't even know the word. And so I'm kind of learning as I'm trying to get pregnant about these very important things that your body is going through. And, you know, so I started downloading the apps and tracking my temperature every single morning, which who knows what that's supposed to mean. ⁓ you know, so I just I kept going to the doctor every six months and she's like, Let's keep trying, you know, and that went on for two years. And my husband is 13 years older than me. So, you know, they say it doesn't matter his age, but I'm like, I don't want him to be right, you know. Whatever. So I just we kept trying and trying and trying. And month after month it was, you know, I wasn't even a day late. I was so regular on my period. And so we kept trying and then it didn't, you know. It was not working. And so we tried it, we tried the Clomid, we tried positions. We tried anything and everything that people were saying were like, we're gonna try it this year. Month after month, it was just a big disappointment and it was crushing me. It was crushing me. And I didn't even think of an IVF route because again, I came from a family full of women that were you know, having zero issues. Nobody in my family had issues. None of my aunts, anybody. And people around me weren't having issues. You know, I have friends that were getting pregnant from looking at each other. So literally. Which is kind of what they sorta teach in sex ed. Totally. Right? Totally. That's like the extent. It's like don't exactly do this. Exactly. So ⁓ yeah, I was out one night with some girlfriends and a girl had stopped by the table and I didn't know her very well. But we were kind of talking about me getting pregnant and she looked at me in the eyes and she said, call CCRM. I'm like, what is that? And she's like, it's a fertility clinic in Denver. It's the top one in the nation and it's in your backyard. Just make an appointment. I'm like, I don't need IBF. Like, you're crazy. You know, I don't need it. And then I remember going home and just her message to me was just, it's not gonna hurt. Make an appointment, have a conversation. Who knows? You know. And for those of you who don't know what C CRM stands for, it's yeah ⁓ Colorado Center for Reproductive Medicine, which is a mouthful. Yeah. And they have campuses all over the country, but they are considered one of the top in the nation. ⁓ and people come from all over the world. So it was nice that it was just three hours away. ⁓ but I I called them Pretty much the next day and set up an appointment, which was of course a few months out. And ⁓ we ended up going down and having a consultation. We met with a brilliant doctor who has helped me and many of my friends get pregnant, including me. And ⁓ I just I kind of got lucky with her. You know, they put you with whoever and I just she was amazing and she herself had been through IVF multiple times. ⁓ She was a female, and I'm all about that. So it just it was a perfect match. And we just started talking, and her first test that she really wanted to do for me was an HSG test, which is where they take blue dye and they shoot it up your uterus and they see if your fallopian tubes are open. Was yours painful? If mine was actually okay, but I was so painful horror stories. horror stories of it. ⁓ God. And I actually told her, I was like, ⁓ I've already done that test. You know, another one of my friends had mentioned it months before. And what I had heard about it was the likelihood of you getting pregnant right after this test is very high because it kind of it can flush out your fallopian tubes. Right. So I was so excited to do this test and then try again the next month. And of course that didn't take. No. Yeah. So that didn't work. But I had the result from it. And I said to her, ⁓ yeah, my doctor in in Aspen said all is well. ⁓ she said one side looks a little bit blocked, but all you need is one side. So ⁓ Dr. Lauren Earhart did not like that answer. She's like, I want to look at it myself. So I sent over the results and she said, Your tubes are blocked. They're completely blocked. You should not be trying to get pregnant because the chances of an ectopic pregnancy are very high. And that was a shock to me. And how how could she how did she do you know how she knew that? Like, I mean, obviously she's trained and no has education, but like totally. In the images, she could clearly see that they were not draining, I guess is the word to say. ⁓ but I guess my doctor here Missed that. Didn't see that part. We'll just say missed that. Yeah. Yeah. ⁓ so ⁓ from that point on, she I'll never forget, she called me because I had already left the clinic and gone back and I was at work and she called me and she said, you know, your tubes are completely blocked and we're gonna have to go IBF route. She said, You will not get pregnant on your own, which was the biggest hit to the heart. Like Yeah. I didn't really know what that meant to like I didn't have that be taken away, like totally route. Totally. The only route is going to be this. And we also suggest you getting your fallopian tubes removed. Gosh. I remember you telling me that and I was like it was I was like, wait, you I I didn't even I again I'm not I didn't even know what a uterus looked like. I didn't understand what does that mean my fallopian tubes are removed. Like I none of everything nothing made sense because nothing has ever been Disgust, you know. So anyway. Hence this podcast. Hence this podcast, thank you. Completely. so anyway, I ended up that was January 1st. I remember my appointment was January first of twenty eighteen. so then the next month I scheduled a surgery with my doctor here to remove one of my fallopian tubes, maybe the other. ⁓ So, ⁓ the reason behind all of this is I have stage four endometriosis. ⁓ right. Yes. Which I can back up for that too. I my whole period life, I've had very consistent periods. They were not a big deal, you know, they came every 28 days. But when I was very little, I was probably fifteen, I wanna say. I was stuck on the couch for days with abdominal pain. And it was kind of a right around the time when I was starting my period for the first time. I had already started it, but I remember having this one week where I was on my parents' couch in the room like dying of pain and nobody knew what to do for me. And And you have no sisters. Correct. I have no sisters. I have no sisters. I have a very open mother who was a nurse. Yeah. You know, my dad's a doctor. My dad's a doctor. He's a He is so cute too. He's so cute. But this was not like their realm. So and I don't know why, but the doctors didn't really have a reason for why I was having this abdominal pain. And I they never really did a extensive research. I never had an x-ray. I didn't do ultrasounds. Nothing was really done about it. But You know, time goes by and eventually I had another episode where I had extremely painful pre period time. Mm-hmm. And I go into a doctor and they decide that it's a cyst that had burst. Okay. So this is when I'm in my teens. Mm-hmm. I go through my twenties and I sometimes have painful periods, but not not terrible. In my 30s, I start having severe pain with every single period. ⁓ god. And in my head, I'm thinking, ⁓ I'm just having these cysts that are bursting. No big deal. Nobody made a big deal about it in my teens. I'm not gonna make a big deal out of it. It's just painful. I'm gonna take some Advil. I'm not gonna drink alcohol. I'm gonna be careful with my sugar intake. All this the things that you think are manual. I'm doing the things that I have researched on my own. And turns out I have a girlfriend who I was working with at the time and she's like, ⁓ my endometriosis. And I'm like, What is that? She starts explaining to me. Yeah. She explains it to me and I'm like, a light bulb goes off. And I'm like, I think I have that. How do I find out? And she's like, Well, the only way to find out is through surgery. So I just diagnose myself and I start telling people I have endometriosis. And at the time, no one's talking about it. This was not that long ago. And you know, I start Treating myself with the things that they say online, you know, each month. But anyway, turns out one of the huge side effects of endometriosis is infertility. And again, I, you know, once my fallopian tube story comes to head, I'm like, okay, it's this endometriosis. And it had it was all over my fallopian tubes. I have it on my appendix. I have it on my bladder. I have it on my ovaries. I have it all over my abdomen. I don't think I realize it could be elsewhere. It could be elsewhere. ⁓ And so, you know, I would have these crazy pains and you know, thinking that it was my my appendix or whatever, and it's you know, which is everywhere. So ⁓ yeah. So that was my story with endometriosis. So I I still have double whammy. Yeah, I think I'll I'll probably always have it. And, you know, they can do these surgeries where they go and they scrape it out, but it comes back. And pregnancy has helped actually with it. My periods are a lot less painful, a lot less painful. ⁓ so anyway, back to back to philopiah, the philosophy being that was why. So they were kind of damaged. ⁓ So then I had the surgery to remove those and then we went ahead and did a retrieval. So like now we're into March, I would say. We had the retrieval. ⁓ that's a pretty quick turnaround. I'm It was quick, yeah. My surgery for the flobian tubes, it was actually a lot worse than I thought. ⁓ just the recovery was very painful. ⁓ but And then let's start with shots. Let's start, you know. Now let's put some hormones back in there. So we ended up doing a retrieval and which was, you know, you hear horror stories again about the drugs and they could ruin a marriage and you're gonna be crazy. You know, you hear all these horrible things and I just was trying to really block that out and just say, I'm gonna do everything in my power to keep this as positive as possible. And if I get affected by them, you know, my husband's on board, he knows it's not him if I'm screaming at him one day and So anyway, so we did the retrieval and I actually had a very successful retrieval. I was 36 at the time and they got 28 eggs, which I remember hearing your number two. That was like my goal. And I was like, ⁓ and that's smart to have that be my goal. No, I mean it was it was very high. And one of my right before the surgery when Dr. Lauren was getting ready to, you know, go in, she said, Your one ovary. Is behind your uterus. So I don't think I'm gonna be able to get the eggs from that. And I remember looking her in the eye and saying, You are gonna do everything in your power to get those beautiful eggs that I just grew. You know. And can I can I say one thing about Dr. Earhart? Yes. You something that really ⁓ you told me in advance, and I think this is a compliment. So if she ever hears this, I don't think that if she will be ⁓ disagreeing with it. One of the things you told me is she is not fluffy. ⁓ that's not the word you use, but she does not coddle. She is not gonna make you feel better about something if it's not true. And you presented it in a way that was like, this is who I think he should see, obviously. So I was like, okay. And you are so right. She was just She's to the point. When we found out that there was nothing in Marcus's, I called you on the way home from this, I think. I was devastated. Yeah. ⁓ she I mean, I knew. If she said it this way, this is the this is what's going on. And like we're gonna have to handle it and deal with it. ⁓ and that was the most helpful advice, I think, because you know, I feel like we we kind of always want someone to have a good bedside manner. Totally. ⁓ and that's fine. But there is something to be said about like really, really hardcore honesty. When you're in this place, because the last thing you want to wonder when you're already drugged up and sticking yourself every day and is wondering how accurate is this? Like how much should I like put my ⁓ my hope into this? Or is she make trying to make me feel at all better? That was completely off the table because you had mentioned her style. And that was so comforting. Even when I got bad news, it was still comforting. Totally. ⁓ so thank you for saying that. And ⁓ yeah. Words of the wise, it's not the worst thing ever to have that on your side. Right, right. And her bedside manner is is amazing. Yes. It's just she will she's to the point. Mm-hmm. She's not gonna get your hopes up for something, you know, and then break the news later. Yeah. No, she's she's incredible. She's so incredible. Yeah. So continue. Yeah, no. So I looked at her in the eyes and I was like, The anesthesia was hitting, and I'm like, get every get those. Like, no matter what you have to do, get those eggs. So going into it, I was a little bit like, shit, you know, I know they counted this many on this side and this many on this side. And, you know. Yeah. Let's hope for the best. So anyway, I, you know, it's like a very quick process. So half an hour later, I wake up and she's like, We got And so it was amazing, but they did have to go like through my uterus to get you know, it was crazy. So anyway, I woke up. She's really, really good at her job. She's amazing. She's amazing. So she ⁓ we had twenty eight, which then they, you know, days later they fertilize or they don't. Then I think it went down to like eighteen and then twelve and then ten. And that's when you start getting nervous. Totally. Totally. And you know, I started out with seventeen. Yeah, I was like, No, which is also an amazing number. An amazing number. So ⁓ we ended up sending off ten to get tested, you know, the genetics testings. And they came back and we had eight healthy embryos. Yeah. And ⁓ I remember she called me at work and she's like, I know you don't want to know, you know, the sex of them, but she's like You have seven girls in one boy. So it's like we're seven girls. So and I was the opposite. Yeah. Yeah. You were all boys. All four boys. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So, ⁓ so that was an amazing outcome. We were we were very happy with that. ⁓ can I just say also her girls, which she'll tell you about, are just the most gorgeous things. Which is not surprising if you're watching, like that's not surprising at all. But no, thank you. I digress. They're very sweet, they're very awesome. ⁓ So ⁓ yeah, so then it was time to go on another drug called lupron, which was to calm my endometriosis completely before they did the transfer because they felt like if we can just get this at bay, then I we think we'll have a more successful I was translupron too, not for that reason, but I'm sure it has more than one It does use. It's just it's basically inflammation. It helps with inflammation. And it ⁓ however It strips your body of estrogen and you go into menace menopause basically. You're having night sweats, even during the day, you're having hot flashes. ⁓ you're very dry. It was a weird and I was on it, I think, for two months. So it was a weird shot to be on. But anyway, that now takes us to ⁓ like Junish. Yeah, we start to prep up for the transfer. I went into it a little cocky. I have to say, I definitely was like, We've got this, you know, we've got all these embryos. We're gonna, you know, we're this this is happening. ⁓ so day of the transfer, I was laying on the table and the embryologist came in and said, Your first embryo did not make the thaw. Which I remember I went back into my notes actually later on. It's like a one percent chance of that happening. So it just didn't make it. And that was like our strongest embryo. So now I'm like, wait a minute, that was our Best that was our best shot. Yeah. Best shot. So they just thankfully I had other embryos. They went to the next one. They put that in. And you get this lovely nine day wait. You know, where you're you're supposed to just live your life and you know, all that good stuff. And And never mind if people don't know you're going through this. Totally. Like totally. You were really honest. Very and upfront, but a lot of people I don't know about this one because I didn't know you that well yet. I just actually hadn't moved to Aspen at this point in June. ⁓ yeah. I moved in September, but I was visiting and ⁓ but that nine days felt brutal. 40. It's brutal. It felt like I mean, and you don't really want talk about it. No. Like I'm afraid. And every little thing, you're like, my boobs hurt. Or like you have a little spotting. And then you're it's just such a mind game that entire time. And you're just You're like, but also relax and don't do anything crazy. Totally, totally, totally. Eat well, sleep. Yeah. So after the nine days, you know, I'm I wake up and I remember just being so like anxious. And I've got this and this is it. You know, here we go. They're gonna call us. You have to go get a blood test. I got the blood test. I came home. ⁓ and I was just kind of sitting around waiting for doctor or nurse Amy. Mm-hmm. My or Taylor, I guess, was at the time, ⁓ to call me and tell me the exciting news. You know, so I was sitting around, Barkley's Well, I'm gonna go to work, you know, call me when you find out. Can't wait, you know. And I'll never forget. No, because I didn't know when they were gonna call. Yeah, yeah. So he like had run, he had run to the restaurant and he was coming back. I don't know. But anyway, my phone rings and I'm so excited again, my heart's pounding. And the second Taylor said, Molly. I just I I fell to my knees. I fell on my knees and just was sobbing. I was sobbing. I just felt so defeated and but I've been doing everything right. I I I I'm sure I did the medicine right. And you know, everything's going through your head and you start the whole, what did I do wrong game? You know, and it just it was very I felt very, very defeated. Felt very defeated. You know, it it was like the feeling of when they first told me that I couldn't do this on my own. It was that feeling again. Well, and that compounds it. Totally. Like this is my only avenue. And yes, you have more embryos, but still knowing there's no What if my body can't carry totally? Or the endo is just taking over and, you know, killing the embryos, whatever. I just remember calling Barclay and just screaming like, It didn't work, it didn't work, it's not gonna work and I mean, he got home in one point two seconds and you know, we just we just I mean, we were so sad. We were so sad. And you know, all my girlfriends rallied, they came over that night, they cooked dinner, they brought flowers, champagne, you know, and just were like holding me up. And I'll never forget those ten girlfriends of mine just showing up. And it was so huge. It was so huge. And they let me cry and they cried with me. And all of them, you know, most of them had kids. You know, so it was very hard for them to really understand what was going on. ⁓ so that was that was that transparency. But they still showed up. They showed up totally. They were incredible. The whole time they were just very supportive and all that. ⁓ and I remember some of their advice was, you know. Why don't you take a break and just give your body some time? And then others were like, just keep going, you're in it, you know. And everybody's, you know, opinions were in my head. And the next day I remember waking up and being like, let's go. LFG. Like you can cuss on that. I'm not taking it. Yeah. I'm not taking a break. I'm not like I am in it. I I woke up like 180 from the night before and was just like, we got to keep going. Like, let's go. The lupron was still in my system, which was another huge thing. ⁓ Dr. Lauren was like, you know, we might have to do another round of that. I'm like, mm-mm-mm-mm. Like, yeah. If it's if there's like an ounce of it in there, let's keep going. So at that point, I remember being like, okay, you are going to take these next few weeks before I started the next round and take care of yourself. Like, you're gonna go get massages, you're gonna do facials, you're gonna do yoga, you're gonna do all the things that you need to do. For me and no one else. And the next day also they say, Okay, stop all your drugs. So you're all hyped up on all these drugs. And the next day I had the biggest crash of my life. I was screaming. I was like, I felt so weird in my own body. ⁓ actually, I remember doing this. I was so mad parents. Yes. And Barkley called me and he was telling me something about the restaurant that had gone wrong. And I remember saying, I don't Give a sh you know, I was like never call me again with your issues. Like I was next level. But that was like that was it only lasted a day and then like things started to get back on board. But I wish they would have warned me about that because you know, you're taking so many drugs and so many hormones and then to just cold turkey. Cold turkey, yeah. Cut out it was it was crazy. Well hopefully this will serve as a warning for someone else. Yes. So if any I always tell people Just like cocoon. Totally. Quarantine yourself, you know, lock yourself in a room, buy yourself. Yeah, pad in room. Totally. So yeah. So that next day after that drop, I woke up and I was just like, All right, we're doing this. And I remember calling true nature and asking for a massage, which is in Haley's, yeah, the most It's my little sanctuary to this day. My kids are connected there. Like it's where we go and we need to just ground ourselves. ⁓ so I called them and I was like, I need a massage for tomorrow. ⁓ they're like, Great, you know, they set me up and I remember hanging up the phone and looking up to the sky and saying, I don't know why I did this, but I said out loud, put somebody in my life that needs to be in my life right now. It was weird. So I show up at the at True Nature the next day and they bring me to my room. I hadn't met my mistress yet. ⁓ but she walks in and she looks at me and she's like, I know you're here for a massage, but do you care if I read you? And I was like, what does that mean? Yeah. and she was like, Can I she's like, feel free to say no, but I see some things going on and this is I'm an energy healer. And, you know, I don't know the words she said, but I was like, Yeah, go for it. So she started Just kind of scanning my body and telling me what she saw. And when she got to my ab I mean, she was like, You're not eating enough protein. You don't drink enough water. You're not you're sitting incorrectly, your posture. She was kind of going on and on. And then she got to my abdomen and she's like, There's something going on here, huh? And I I just burst into tears. Yeah. And I told her what was going on. And she's like, There's a lot, there's a lot of energy being held right there that doesn't need to be there. And She's like, Would you mind if I did something other than a massage today? And I'm like, sign me up. Yeah. I'm like all about all of this stuff. So she ended up doing three different sessions where she was just working on my abdomen and getting rid of, you know, built-up anger and sadness and stuff from a million years ago. And ⁓ Doing this whole process that was to prepare my abdomen to welcome an embryo and a baby. ⁓ so that's what we did. For the next two weeks before my next transfer, we just worked on my abdomen and by the last session I was floating. I I couldn't walk for 20 minutes after the session, I was floating and I just felt like we had just prepared my womb. Yeah. Properly. For a baby. Yeah. So I I credit Lori big time for getting pregnant. So, you know, time goes on and I end up doing another transfer. And this time I asked Dr. Lord if I could put in two embryos. And she's like, Well, they don't really do anymore. They don't. And I now I'm thirty seven or thirty eight. And she said, Because the first transfer didn't take, I won't fight you. Because the first time I was like more into Yeah. I was like, Can we put in two? And she said, I really don't I suggest us not doing that. You know, you're healthy otherwise. I don't I don't want to risk this. ⁓ so we put in one, it didn't take. So the second time we put in two. Waited the nine days, and I woke up sick. I woke up sick on the ninth day. I was like, I couldn't get out of bed. I was so anxious. I think my body was just taking over and just my Anxiety was horrible that day. Yeah. And I was like, I can't wait for another phone call. So I actually went to the bathroom, pulled out a pregnancy test, and took it on my own. And it said pregnant. I was screaming. Barkley was still sleeping. I had to do it on my own. And I was like, I remember just like shaking and pacing. And we had a puppy at the time. And he was like, What is going on? I mean, it was just this cr I had never seen pregnant. I had never in the three years now that we had been trying, I had never seen it. And it was like, holy shit. My body at this moment is pregnant. And I went in and I woke up Barclay and you know, he was like in a daze for waking up. And I was like, it worked, it worked. And he was like, What? And so it was just the most exciting thing in the world to feel. To feel that. It was incredible. And, you know, then I went and did the blood and and now it was nurse Amy who called me and I was like, I already know. Cause they suggest you not Yeah. I followed the rules and I did not. I took like a I did the first time though. I did the first time and I was like, you know, they say not to because it could be a false negative or a false positive. So they really suggest the blood. ⁓ but I just couldn't handle somebody else telling me that I wasn't pregnant. So I was like, I need to take this into my own hands. I'm a control freak. ⁓ so yeah, that happened and it was amazing. And but then there's still so much uncertainty from there. You have to go in every other day and the numbers have to triple. They have to double, you know. All these things have to happen. And then you have to get through the first trimester. You know, so there's a lot a lot going on. It's the end of one journey, but the beginning of another. Absolutely. And It's worth celebrating for sure. But yeah, especially if you're like a well, after you've gone through all of this, it's like I don't want to move too much. I don't want to get cocky, like you said earlier. And think my body's got this in the bag. Totally. Totally. There have been and I've spoken to some people recently, and this is not to scare anybody, it's just more of like a a reality check that they did get pregnant and it did not take. After a couple days. It did it went the other way. It was a miscarriage, which I don't feel like is all that common, but maybe it is. And I just or the chemical pregnancies happen. There's so many different variables. I know how our stories end, but like I r r distinctly remember feeling very cautiously hopeful at this point. I was just so proud that my body could do it. That was like my main thing. Because I was like, great. If it happened once, it can happen again. Of course, we were out of embryos, but I was willing to go back through this whole thing if that were the case. But yeah, it's it's fertility is already hard. It's so much harder when you have had so many n like bad things happen along the way because it's it's stuck in like the back of your head that whole time. ⁓ I don't know if yeah if it like dissipated for you, but it really didn't for me. No, no, doesn't it doesn't look back on things that I did differently the second time, you know, I at this time, which I know they've changed the protocol and I really, really wish they didn't, but at the time they suggested like forty-eight hours of no movement after the transfer. And the first time I remember them telling me that, and I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah, you know. I have to get back to my life and but I'll take it seriously somewhat. So I remember laying down and trying to stay flat, but then I was like, I gotta vacuum. So I was up vacuuming and I was up like I can't just sit still. I'm not the person to sit still. Yeah. And so I remember doing that. And then when it didn't take, I was like, Is it because I vacuumed? You know, I was like, is it because I didn't listen to the forty eight hour rule? And, you know, so the second time. I don't think I got that forty eight hour rule. You didn't think that's because they changed it. They changed it between my two kids. And I remember the second time my mom flew out because my Barclay had to get back to work, but my mom flew out and literally I laid flat for two full days. She was like, You're getting up to pee and that's it, you know. And so I laid there and she did everything for me. And it's my biggest piece of advice for people going through this is it's not so much about the 48 hour, it's just like giving your body the time and giving yourself that time to do whatever you need to do without moving. You know. Just almost like going You want it to stick. Almost go yeah, you want it to stick. And almost go into like a forty eight hour like meditative state where you're just you know, I use that time and at this point now I'm meditating every single day. I'm doing chakra clean cleanses every day. I'm like doing all the things, the hooky dookie things that I've heard from Lori, you know, she's like, You need to get into meditating. So I did. And for nine months straight, I went to I built this little altar thing right here. Mm-hmm. And I would just I would go there every single day and I would light candles and I would talk to my baby to be and the spirit, you know, I would just envision myself holding a baby. And I think it really I think my brain did a lot of this too. I think my state of being, you know, helped me get these big Well, and regardless of if you like believe whatever, like regardless everybody outside of any spirituality, like if you put your energy towards something, that's where your energy goes. Like that is just duh. So however, ⁓ for me, I wrote to He was a little blue at the time. Yeah. I wrote to h ⁓ I didn't well actually eventually I knew it was only gonna be a boy, but yeah ⁓ I wrote to and I still write to him in the same journal. And ⁓ it's ⁓ it it's so funny. I it evolved from the day before my first work up ⁓ before I knew the trouble that lay ahead. More trouble. And then now, but that was h that's how my brain centers. I can yeah, I can talk and whatever, but like I th I think the the takeaway here is figure out y the way for you to get, like you said earlier, grounded and something that's not like your mind's going other places. Some way for your brain to like channel what you're thinking, how can you envision it? What would you say to it? ⁓ and if that's writing, if that's speak talking it out loud, if that's meditating, like it it if nothing else it'll make you less nutty at this time. Totally. No is key. Totally putting your energy towards that. For sure. For sure. Absolutely. I continued the meditating. I continued talking to the baby. And you know, my pregnancy with her went it was pretty awesome, you know, I didn't feel terrible. Second pregnancy, different story, but you know, I just I I loved being pregnant. I just any server walk watching you walk around and I was thinking about this actually this morning. ⁓ I remember you walking by the way, the fact that you're not wearing a hat is crazy. I know. I almost put it on because it's my security blanket. Yeah. And you look so cute in their hats and ⁓ you had you like a sweet little sundress, your bump was going, it was bumping. And you were walking up near the re St. Regis and this is creepy. But I just saw you and I was like, I want to be her because ⁓ I want I I I knew you went through IBF, you know how we we hadn't talked about it yet. ⁓ and It was it was just like you looked carefree. I remember thinking that. Yeah. And I could tell you liked being pregnant. It was like a source of pride. Yes. And since I didn't know all the things that you had gone through, I didn't have all the context. But I just remember seeing you and being like, Okay, I need to do that one day, maybe, hopefully. I don't know. Yes, you are. No, it was I mean, I had a great I had a good pregnancy. I really did. And I I felt good and you know, at the end, of course, I was miserable. Yeah. But I just I was trying to really embrace embrace it all. And it was exactly what I knew I always wanted. And yeah. So I just I went through it just so happy, you know, and feeling good. And then the delivery came and, you know, that was another story. But Yeah, it just, I mean, the feeling of Seeing your dream literally before you laying on your belly, there's there's nothing like it. And I feel so, so blessed to have gone through it and to experience motherhood. I just it's what I feel like I was meant to do. You know, even every day when I wanna wring their heads and pound my head against the wall. I'm like, this is what I wanted. Remember. Yeah, remember why. But I just, you know, I love I love being a mom. And so the second time, ⁓ it took a long time to want to go there again though. Go through them. Go through that again. My kids are three and a half years apart and ⁓ you know, I just finally was like and I breastfed for a very long time with Lennon and she literally stopped breastfeeding. the day I was starting meds for Mia. Wow. Yeah. And it wasn't like it was just a comfort thing for her and me. But, you know, I wasn't ready to give up that part of Lennon and my relationship. Bond, yeah. Bond yet. So it took a while. ⁓ but yeah, with Mia, you know, I remember calling Dr. Hart and being like, I'm ready. I'm ready. Let's do this. And she's like, okay, let's talk about the drugs. And I'm like, I don't want the drugs. I don't need the drugs. She's like, ⁓ and I was like, I really I think I can mentally do this without the drive. I remember you posting about this part, me being like, Yeah. Okay. I know. She was like, really? And I was like, can we just go off my natural cycle? I know when I'm ovulating. I know, you know, can we just try it? And she's like, sure. Because you have multiple embryos left, I'm okay with this. Normally I wouldn't be. ⁓ and because my endo felt like it had calmed down too. ⁓ So we did. We did another transfer with I think I did like one shot and I think it was like the trigger shot or I don't even remember. ⁓ but and then again I went back into my meditative like you didn't do any progesterone? I don't think so. I mean I did progesterone. You have to do progesterone. I was gonna say I feel like that's like the yeah like the helpful sticky substance substance. I d I definitely had to do for the twelve weeks after and all that. I had to do all that. But ⁓ yeah. So wow. That was And you ⁓ got Mia. You had a complication though. Yeah, did go to Denver. So I had I had placenta previa with her, which they found out pretty early on. They're like, Hopefully you're with your growing your uterus or your ⁓ placenta will move, but it never did. So I ended up having to have a C section in Denver where I was internally bleeding. I was open for a long time. Mia had to be in the NICU just for a little bit 'cause she had fluid in her lungs, it was a crazy delivery. But I got to experience a C section too. So I got to have both. So I can relate to most people on on both sides of the delivery conversation. ⁓ but yeah. And that's Mia came into the world. And she's spicy. She's spicy. She is our wild child. And she's amazing. And she's my twin. Yeah. So that tracks. Yeah. yeah. But ⁓ Yeah, it's bet it was an amazing outcome for all of the craziness that went on. And yeah. I don't know. So this podcast came from me having my own experience. I don't know what it would have looked like had I not talked to you when I did like like I like trace things back and it's just like this I'm sure I could have talked to someone else. I'm sure I could have Googled. ⁓ but I feel like you distilled everything down for me in such a way that I was like and Marcus trusted you too. So when I said, Hey, I just got the phone with Molly, da da da he was like like he didn't want to go down that route because he thought like everyone else thinks, you're just being a little too not eager, he wanted to be a parent too, but like he thought like give it some more time. You're not that old yet, blah blah blah. And so But he was willing to to go down that route once we tried two IUIs ⁓ and whatnot. But I just I don't wonder like, let's go back and have another adventure in another direction. But yeah, I just wonder like w w would I have just 'cause I I did like the whole ABCs of IBF like series and in the first part of it it was like the reason I'm doing this is cause I even Googled my clinic, C C R ⁓ and I'm still confused by it, not because they did anything wrong, but because it is clinical and also it doesn't really humanize the process because how can you? You can't tell somebody what they're gonna what issues they're gonna run into and then what they'll do next or whatever. They just have to do the bare minimum of this is kinda how this goes. And I just don't I probably would have been a l like overwhelmed enough to put it on the back burner. If I hadn't had someone humanize it for me, which is what you did. And so I just am so thankful for you. ⁓ in all ways, you've been you've been great to ⁓ my family ⁓ in in s in a plethora of ways outside of the fertility realm. But personally, you were just so much for me. ⁓ so I kind of thank you. Yeah, no, thank you for saying that. I just, you know, I can't imagine. going through this process alone. And I know so many women that do that for their own reasons. And that is that is their journey. Totally respect that. I just I needed an outlet, you know, and so I started talking about it heavily on my social media. And so nothing was a secret. Nothing was a secret. When it didn't take it wasn't a secret when it, you know, Everything, my surgery, my fallopian tubes. I just I needed I needed that outlet, you know. And I also got so much support and people coming to me saying, I'm going through that too. And I'm like, You are like, why is nobody talking about this? Right. This was only eight years ago. And IVF was never talked about. It's so funny because now when IVF is on the Today Show or on whatever, people like reach out to me. ⁓ did you see this? It's like I don't know if I was the first person talking about it in my circle or what, but it was not talked about. And I thank God I had another girl ⁓ in the valley who was also going to Dr. Earhart and she had the exact same thing as me. And so she reached out to me and she's like, Let's do this together. And without her, I don't know if I could have done it. So because of that, I just was like, I wanna be I wanna be there for anyone who is going through this in any way that I can be. Yeah. Call me when you're crying. Call me if you need help with the shots. Like I I want to be that person for people because I it's you needed that person. And so, you know, I have so many people that have contacted me. Can I put you in contact with this girlfriend? You know, she's very cheap. I put you in contact with my friend. Right. Yeah. She's indoors as well. Yeah. So I just feel like the more we talk about it and normalize it and you know, the better. We're all better off talking about it and sharing our situations. And I'm very sensitive when I talk to other people, which is why I was a little bit nervous going on here because every situation is so different. And I don't wanna say anything that's gonna offend anybody or I I don't want I'm like very sensitive to this subject. So But your experience is your experience and And everybody has their own And I feel like a lot of people don't talk about stuff because they're afraid of offending when What are they? I feel like the opposite is true. When you tell your story, it actually opens up yeah like ⁓ a I don't know Red Rover is what popped into my head. Yeah. Like, come over. I you got like I would love for you to talk about mine. And all the people I've had on so thus far and all the ones that are coming out soon because they've already been taped. What I can say about everybody is that it's just a little bit different than somebody else I know. But if you can find yourself in anybody's story, you feel less alone in that one little instance. So say somebody has endo. Well, okay, they don't have maybe all the rest of the stuff that you're talking about. Right. But now they've heard a little bit about something they've gone through and maybe they have a tip or just know that they're And that's another thing. Like one the amount of girls that I've not diagnosed with but brought this to their attention is mind blowing. I'm like, why are our doctors not discussing this almost? first. Like maybe you have endometriosis. ⁓ do you have pain with your or you don't? Okay, you don't have endo. Like right. That's what doctors are some are saying to these women. And I have I can name four or five right now that I've said maybe of endo and they researched it and they do. They've had the surgery to see if they do. And but why am I the one bringing that up to them? Why am I like diagnosed, you know Yeah. It's just crazy to me that you know that we're just we're in twenty twenty six now and endometriosis is just now being talked about. It's crazy because it affects so so many women. And same with PCOS. Yes ⁓ I think I had my sister on here. She didn't find out she had PCOS until she was starting to try at twenty seven and she'd had it the whole time. But they put her on birth control because it her periods were irregular. And they were like, we just need you to be regular. Cause she was having her period every two weeks and then not for a long time. And so that masked it. So then they don't even know. And I also had a another my my ⁓ longtime best friend, Jennifer, on. And she ⁓ she has a ⁓ in in Texas has a health women's healthcare company, and her big advocacy ⁓ at Betty's is to say, ⁓ We should not be waiting until we go to college to go see a gy gynaecologist. This should not be under the purview of a pediatrician. The minute you have a period, you need to be going or of age to have a period, 'cause she didn't start hers until she was in her twenties. ⁓ but the minute I know. ⁓ the minute that you should be having a you know, like you're going through puberty, you should be going to learn about your body because how many things could be like s I don't want to saved, but like at least understood and treated accordingly. The sooner you go. So I'm a huge advocate for that. I don't have daughters, so I can't really you know, I'm not gonna take Archer to the gynecologist, but No, totally. But I think it's so important because what's under the hood is under the hood. And if you get treated with something like birth control to you know, to make it look good on the outside, that may be masking a problem that is going to crop up later when you are trying to finally start a family. Totally. I feel like there was something else I was gonna say. I know that I was gonna say too much. I talked over myself. So I was gonna say something. ⁓ but yeah, I just ⁓ the more it's talked about, the better. The better. And if you know, we can help other people going through this process, it's just it makes going through it yourself just I mean, I don't think of it as a negative at all. Yeah. Like the the amount of beautiful, amazing, strong women that I've met through going through this process is priceless. I would spend another ninety grand just because of the the the you know, the community that I have now of and I see these little babies walking around that, you know, their moms were talking to me three years ago and they had one embryo and one chance and I, you know Yeah, I was there with them through all the things and to see the babies now and to watch them grow up, it's like there is nothing cooler than that. There's nothing cooler than that. To see these little IBF babies running around and ⁓ all of us mamas have this one thing in common that is just it's it's huge. And I am so thankful for the community that we have built, you know, through this. So I wouldn't I don't regret it. This whole thing has made me a better mom. Totally. Totally. I really do. I agree. I'm not I don't wish it upon anybody. No. ⁓ no. But I do think that it has made me just I mean, maybe being older too. I don't know. Yeah. ⁓ but I'm very present as a mom and a lot of stuff because of so many things, like, yes, I have therapy and yes, Marcus and I like talk about it things all the time. So it's not to say that like I'm just I'm my anxiety is cured because I went through IBF. No. Yeah. But I do feel like my perspective is So much more. aware. I'm aware of what's going on, what deserves my attention, what does not deserve my attention. And I'm just enjoying it. You know, watching like you were a concept child and now he's a a child well, he is chatty happy. ⁓ my God. ⁓ yeah. So too. Yeah. He's like, I have so much to say. They are like they like it's funny 'cause my kids like we watch I filmed everything too. I filmed Like, so if anybody needs videos of how to do shots or you know, I've got ⁓ all. But, you know, my kids are so aware of how they got here, which is really cool. So cool. It's so cool. And like, you know, when they say where do babies come from, I'm like, Well, you're different than a lot. Yeah. You were frozen. You were literally frozen at one point. And, you know, Lennon, my now seven year old, was three at the time, but she wanted to be a part of it all. She wanted to help me with the shot and she wanted to, you know, help me take my meds and and she came to the doctor's appointments with me and, you know, she watched her little sister come to be, which was so cool. It was so cool. And I love that about you for like putting them into it because I talked to someone else and granted she's in the s in the deep south. So she was like, what do I tell? And one of her kids is is and one of her kids isn't. And she said, like, how do I tell? I was like Tell her. Mommy wanted you. Yeah. And mommy wanted you so badly. This is what you know mommy and daddy went through to get you. Yeah. It I I love I love the idea that Archer is an IVF baby because I think like, yeah, it speaks to how inten how intentional this was. And that's that's not to discredit someone who can naturally get pregnant. ⁓ I would love if he wasn't. Like, okay, cool. Of course. But But that's that's our journey. And I I will tell him, you know, I I I guess you can say this to Mia, because you had a C section. But I had a C section too. And ⁓ after almost the other one, but then his head was too big, after thirty six hours. I feel like I got both, sort of. ⁓ at least the experience. ⁓ but with With him, I you know, like I brought you into this world, I can take you out. Like you came out of like no, I like actually I just y this pulled you out and then ⁓ you know, your dad and I made you no, actually that was a lab. Like I can't use any of those tro tropes that people do. Yeah. Yeah. No, it's okay. It's amazing. It's so incredible. Okay, so before I let you go. Yeah. ⁓ and if you don't have anything, it's totally fine, but There's a segment I have called hot potato. And it is it is it's a mixture of whatever I mean it it can be s a cautionary tale, ⁓ something someone said, unsolicited advice, like you know, like the whole just relax thing, it'll work for you. Love that. Stop trying and it'll happen. Right. ⁓ you know, all these magic things. But do you have anything that and it's not meant to To to call someone specifically out. It's not meant to embarrass anyone. It's meant to shed light because I think ⁓ most of the things that we hear, we stomach and we let sit and maybe fester at a time you don't need anything else on your mind. ⁓ but also a lot of people don't realize how like ⁓ totally how they come across and what burden Is being actually put on, not lifted. Right. From your so-called advice. So you have anything? Well, nothing that comes to mind really, but I just remember, you know, I was working at I was managing a salon in town where everyone, you know, knew my business. I had been working there for twelve years, you know, so everybody was a part of my wedding and my dating life before that. And You know, then it just came the time when I was supposed to be having babies. And so everybody that walked through the door is like, you know, especially older ladies are like, Yeah, where's our baby? You know, and I'm like, I'm working on it. But no, I just you know, I mean, people have said some really silly off color things, but I can't think of anything really at the moment. It's okay. But yeah, but I think, you know, as far as advice that I would give, you know, I just think Positivity is so it was such a big part of my personal journey. And going into the process, kind of ignoring the negative things that people said about it. And, you know, just taking it inward and just really trying to stay as positive as possible. And it actually brought Barclay and myself closer to each other. And I mean, he knows more about IBF than A lot of men and you know, he'll start talking to like an older dad and they'll be like, I be off and he's like, ⁓ yeah, us too. Like it's really sweet to hear him. I'm having Marcus on the podcast to talk about his side of things 'cause I think that is something so key and so overlooked. ⁓ not if you're going through it, you know, you have your stuff, but like I w Marcus has d done the same where we'll meet people and we will we will volunteer. How hard it was to get him because a lot times we'll get like the whole are you gonna have another. And I'm like, well, actually, no. And this is why. And last embryo and ⁓ whatever. And so that introduces the whole concept of IBF. And then I'm I don't know, it's like probably 30% of the time someone's like, ⁓ we're going through that too. And so Marcus will like jump in, whereas he was n not as into this whole thing at the beginning, like I said. ⁓ and definitely like I really wanted him to get tested well before all this to see if there was anything on his end that we could get fixed or all you know, adjusted. ⁓ but now he's an advocate for it. And so I was like, I want you to come on to talk about this stuff too, because I think a lot of women could use a guy talking about it to say, Yeah, you know, listen to this and ⁓ and it not be I feel like the women get a bad rap for that. Mm-hmm. You know, when we just kind of assume that it's our bodies. Like we walk through life as it's probably my fault. Absolutely. You know? Absolutely. And absolutely maybe it is. Maybe it's not. And you don't know until you know. And it's like the same thing as getting a mammogram. Like you knowledge is the whole game. I'm getting a ⁓ I'm forty, but I'm and so it's early, but I'm getting Do it. ⁓ a colonosby. Yeah, me too. This n this month because I have gut issues, always have, and I'm like, I don't I'm well Also, I'm forty with a two year old. I need to be taking extra care and not knowing is no reason to go about life. So But God forbid the insurance company cover that. ⁓ they're not. I'm going through that right now. It's like both of my parents have had lol ups. You're too young and I'm like, Well, I'm really not and the statistics are showing, you know, otherwise. My grandma had colon cancer and they're saying it has to be a direct ⁓ mother father. It has to be a s mother, father or sister or brother. And I'm like yeah. All right. She's like, Do you still want to do it? And I was like, Yeah, I have a two-year-old. Even more so. Exactly. So yeah, that's happening. ⁓ Yeah. Yeah. But I think I think, yeah, the male the male perspective is is gonna be great. And it's it's so important to have their support. You know, a lot of these girls that I these women that I talk to, you know, I'm like, Do you have the support of your husband? And many of them do. But recently I was, you know, in a conversation with somebody who didn't have that and that is heartbreaking to me because it is you need that. You need that. You need that versus going to totally. You're gonna be going through it physically on your own to a degree. Marcus had to get his sp manually extracted. But he called it ⁓ his ballsing eyes picked, yeah. ⁓ but But most of this the physical stuff is gonna be on the the girl and that is it. But ⁓ that means you need to someone to lean on. ⁓ especially when you tell them never to talk to you again. Yeah, exactly. It's not me saying this. ⁓ Well, Molly, you have been wonderful. This is so great and I'm so glad you ⁓ agreed to do it. I think Thank you for doing what you're doing. I mean, truly. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I just I I love it. My dad's like, You need to write a book and I'm like, but you know, what I what do I have to say? Is it important enough? You know, and I think you have the courage to do this and I really applaud you. It's really cool. I think I mean it feels right 'cause Alex Alex Letty and I were gonna write a book and do all these things and then like at the beginning of the year it was like, wait a minute, this should be a living, breathing conversation so that people can come back on if they're like in the middle of something and they want to talk about it later. And that's a lot of ⁓ first edition, second edition. Yeah, yeah. This just felt right. And it's been amazing how many people have reached out and been like, I'm not ready to talk yet, but I want to. Awesome. You know? And ⁓ just pulling it out from the cobwebs. ⁓ because we most of most of us have something to talk about. Absolutely. Whether we think it's valid or not. And and I like to say to anyone who's listening who's like, Yeah, my story wasn't that bad or I don't think I have enough to say You do. You do. It's weird. Because you kind of feel this I mean, I have had this feeling of of guilt too. Like my story's not, you know, as bad as someone else's. As bad as somebody else's. And it's, you know, it's it's a weird feeling. You know, talking about it with some people who have had horrible, horrible situations and will not be able to be a mother. And that just it's like, I just want to hold you. You know, and yeah. So that even though I have a great outcome, it's you know Yeah. It was a lot of I mean and we all have we all have stuff but comp I think I said it on a podcast a couple weeks ago, but or I didn't say it, it was it was my guest, Courtney. Yeah. But she said like comparing your grief, you know, she had six miscarriages, eight pregnancies. ⁓ you know, two six of them did not take. And she was like, I don't want anyone to think because they then go through this, that like their pain isn't validated somehow. ⁓ this is just my journey. And so that's the other thing. It's like coming on this kind of show, talking about it is meant to bring them out, not make people feel like they have to keep theirs small. Whether that's coming on the show or just talking about it to somebody or feeling able to talk to about ⁓ talk. about it to somebody. I think that that's that's the point. ⁓ so I appreciate your willingness, ⁓ and everyone who's been on the show and who wants to come on the show. ⁓ it's not a this is not the kind of show that I say like like, subscribe, whatever. Like it's it's ⁓ it's meant to be more of an index. ⁓ you might not listen to every single episode because you maybe you don't have anything to but maybe you want to h hear more about IBF and someone who's gone through it. So this is the episode you're gonna choose or ⁓ miscarriages are the ones that you're gonna choose. And so ⁓ I just appreciate your willingness so much. And ⁓ it's good to see you too. I haven't seen you in a while. No, I know. You too. We need to come back up to ask soon a little bit more. I know the boss when it opens I'm also down in basalt all the time. Well come on. I will I will thank you so much to everyone who was listening as well. And ⁓ if you know somebody who's going through something similar, even an iota of what Molly talked about today, please share it. this the best part about this podcast is that it can be listened to or watched in private. So you don't have to be ready to talk about your stuff ⁓ right away. You can hear other people talk about theirs first. ⁓ and that said, if you have any questions, For Molly or or myself, ⁓ please reach out to us. I'll put all of our information in the show notes. She said it here, so I'm not just volunteering her. No, Willie, Molly. She will talk to you. She will talk to you. And I can attest. She will talk to you. We'll talk to you. ⁓ and so all that is in the show notes. ⁓ we will be we will be we will be back next week. Excuse me, I can't talk. ⁓ and we'll talk about something else with another person. And until then. I hope you take care.